It's Winter. Dante's gone and a piece of me went with him. Everything's fading. My memories of him are fading. I don't know what he looks like anymore. I can't remember the sound of his voice.

Overall, I've fallen to pieces. It's like, someone else took over my mind. I'm so reckless and careless. Ironically, on my journey to find myself, I've actually lost myself along the way.

I don't know who I am. I don't know who my family is anymore. They're strangers to me. They don't talk to me and I don't know how to handle it. I love my family, but I know they don't feel the same way. It's a sad story, I think.

Funny how things turned out. Dante was my last hope, and he still is. And he's gone. I feel empty.

I'm dating and talking to all of these guys, and I'm just losing more of myself. I've lost control. I'm off the rails, as they say. It's not as glamorous as it sounds- dating, I mean. It's not great.

I'd give anything to have Dante back and for my family to love me. That's all. I'm just lost and I'm trying so hard and part of me just wants to give up. I'll never amount to anything, according to my family.

I just want to prove everyone wrong. And it's so hard these days.

The past few months have been a rollercoaster ride. And even that is an understatement.

In April, I wanted to kill myself. In May, I met Dante.

To say that he is the reason I stayed home would be wrong. I don't know how to word this.

When we got to Somerville, I just kinda woke up. You know? If I moved to CA, I wouldn't have nights like that ever again. I wouldn't be able to drive somewhere at 2am with my best friend to meet some guy.

But it's almost September. So much has changed since then. And so much has changed since last September, when I was depressed as fuck.

I'm more confrontational. I stand up for myself. I like that.

But my trust, it's so bad. Like, so bad that I can't have a normal friendship or relationship. I question everything.

Sometimes, I just want to be like "Fuck relationships, everything, and everyone". And then other times, I just want to talk to someone and let them into the tiniest corners and nooks of my messed up little mind.

I don't want to sound like a whiny teenager but I just dont feel like anyone understands me.

I don't fucking know anymore.

I don't know how to be strong anymore. I'm trying to hold myself together for my friends but I just can't do it anymore. I feel like I've been torn to pieces. I don't know how to deal with this. I can't do this anymore.

There's a tightness in my chest that won't go away. It just aches and throbs. I feel like I can't breathe and no one has noticed yet.

I sit here and no one sees that I'm breaking down on the inside. My insecurities and fears are eating me alive and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

When I think of my friends who are good students or who are making a living, I feel like such a failure. I mean, they're in good schools with certain goals. They go to class like they're supposed to. They go to sleep like they're supposed to.

I can't even manage to attend all of my classes. I'm just physically and emotional drained this semester and I just can't do it. At this point, I don't want to finish school. I'll be so old when I graduate and it will be so fucking embarrassing. I can't take it.

I've failed as a sister, aunt, and daughter. And now, I'm failing as a student and a contributing member of society.

I think my friends are great. They're going to make a difference out of college, I just know it. And they might downplay if I ever tell them this, but I think it's true. I know it's unhealthy to compare myself to them and I know they won't like it if I tell them that I do it.

I wish I could shake these feelings but I can't. Not today.

I'm falling apart again. I've lost myself in my pain. I don't know who I am anymore and it just sucks. I feel numbness and pain at the same time.

I truly hate myself and I hate feeling this way. I really wanted to kill myself last night. I found nothing worth living for. My CA friends would be fine without me. They'd get over me being gone.

I just hate who I am. I hate everything about myself. I want to die and come back as someone else. I want to trade lives with someone else. I'm not strong enough for this life. I can't overcome this. I'm out of energy. I'm just tired. Please let me give up.

I just want to sleep every day. I don't want to wake up. I just want peace. I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of everything. Waking up is so hard to do these days. Nothing interests me anymore. Writing, playing my keyboard, drawing- none of that matters much to me anymore. It saddens me. I miss the rush I get when I write. Now, I look at my writing and I just hate all of it. The words on the screen will never be good enough for me anymore.

I hate everything. I hate how this weakness is taking over me. I hate how I feel so discouraged. I hate how alone I feel when I know I have friends here for me. I hate how I cannot trust anything, not even my own heart.

I just need to get out of here. I need a breath of fresh air. I need to surround myself with new people. I need a new place to live and just be.

I hope I say this right.

I really like my face. I like to think I'm pretty. But I hatehatehate my body. I'm fat and I want to change it so bad. Tomorrow after lunch, I'm taking a long walk. Physically, I feel like shit. I'm just gross.

So basically, I want my body to look as good as my face. I hope that doesn't sound conceited.