Tell The World That I'm Coming Home

The ache hurts more, as each day passes. I don't know how I'll cope with this feeling for the next 4 years. I'm suffocating as it is. What's 4 more years going to feel like? There's a fine line between feeling numb and feeling a burning pain in your heart. Some days, I don't know what's worse.

Every day, I visit L.A. on Google Earth. I know I shouldn't, because it just makes me feel worse. It makes me hate Massachusetts and Metro Boston even more. Like a strong dislike of my home city.

Is it possible to miss a place you've never been to? I asked my co-worker that question and she answered, "If you dream about it." And I really do. And it aches and hurts and burns and I want the colors of the L.A. sunset to wash away the pain.

Ah, this truly sucks. I've tried a lot of things to get this whole L.A. thing out of mind. I've tried music, drawing, The Sims, and some television shows. But nothing has seemed to work.

The one thing left I want to try is writing. I could back into writing. I have a few stories. So, I'll try and work on one of them to get my mind off of L.A.

On a lighter note, next weekend is supposed to be a blast. Saturday, me, my cousin, my bro's girlfriend, and my sister's fiance's best woman are getting fitted for our bridesmaid dresses. And then on Sunday, we're having a combination birthday party for Kevin, Tim, and Billy. Really stoked.


One upside of the moment. For now.

Careless Souls, We Have Become.

I Can't do anything right. I can't keep up with him. I'll never rise up to meet his unrealistic and exponentially high expectations.

And this drives me crazy, because even though i'm not exactly an angel, my siblings aren't perfect. I mean, my brother has all this baby mama drama, and he still can "do no wrong', quoted from my sister. She and I are fed up with it. I dont know how much of this neglect I can take. It wears me down, even on my best days.

My mother says my dad is going to kick me out because I dont contribute money to the house every month. It makes me want to scream. I want to cry because I never ask for money, and if I do, it's $5 for the train to/from work.

What Sucks:

I do know that there are people who care about me, like friends, a few relatives, and some friend/co-workers. But what sucks is that, I dont see them often enough. Some of them are too far away, or too busy to catch up on things. What I'm trying to say is, I literally have no shoulder to cry on. I think every girl deserves one of those. Just one.

Just once, I'd like someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay.

I'm going to go chain smoke, because that's what I do when I'm "like this."

Palm Trees, Please.

I'm so focused on moving foward in my life right now. I need my license, to go to college, to enroll in ASL classes, to take a Microsoft class, and to get a better job.

As I get each of those tasks completed, I'll see it as another step closer to sunny California. Those palm trees are calling my name!