I Don't Know Where I Went Wrong

Is this really happening? Did I really cry myself to sleep last night? Is this some cruel, horrific nightmare?

Does this pain really belong to me? Am I really alone? Is this my life now? Really? But why? I'm try so so hard to be strong and put a smile on my face. I'm making an effort and yet, nothing is changing. I don't know where I went wrong.

Why do I have no friends left? I'm a nice person. I love animals. I love laughing. I love movies, music, and television. I love shopping. I love everything. I think I'm normal, so why does nobody want to be in my life?

Whatever. I don't need this. This is ridiculous.

Who wants to be a friend with this mess right here? Who wants to listen to a broken person? No one. I don't blame you.

No one cares. But you know what? They don't have to. No one is forcing them to care.

I was talking to a stranger recently. He asked me "Do you have someone that you can share everything with?" And it took me a moment to answer. But I finally said "No." I have no one to talk to. I have no one to tell something funny to. If I have no one to discuss random nonsense things with. No one to discuss the weather with. No one to make me laugh. I told this stranger that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. He asked "Why?" And I said "Do I have a choice?"

I always had in mind that I would be single and just travel the world. But I never imagined that I would be friendless. I always assumed that I would have friends at home that I could always call or visit whenever I came home. I didn't see this coming.

This just blew me out of the water. I am completely alone. I never thought it would feel this way. I always imagined that it would feel peacful. In fact, it is the exact opposite. I feel like my thoughts are becoming twisted and warped. Like, my inner demons have entered my head and I cannot escape them.

This is why I hate the nighttime. I hate all this quietness. Nighttime is when I tend to think about how sad everything is. I like the day time because it is loud. I hear birds chirping, the dog, and the sound of the tv. At night, I just cry. And it's not like I can fill my head with someone else's voice because I have no one to call.

I hate this feeling. I hate being sad. I hate that no one cares. I hate that this is my life now. i hate the thought of this being a permanent fate. I hate the thought of being alone when I'm old and wrinkly.

I'm sorry for the nothings I have done to deserve this. I am so fucking sorry for everything. I'm so sorry that I am worthless. I'm sorry that no one is proud of me. I'm sorry that I have done nothing yet to be proud of. I'm sorry if I'm doing everything wrong. I'm sorry if I'm existing wrong. I'm sorry for just being.

I feel so dead inside. I just want to feel alive. Just for one more day. I want to jump through a pile of crunchy autumn leaves. I want to stretch my arms our far to grab a perfect apple from an apple tree. I want to laugh uncontrollably. I want all of this just one more time.

I miss my happiness. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss my innocence. I miss my smile. I miss my laugh.

I miss me.

A Million Miles Away

I have a whole new group of songs that I added to my iTunes library. Some I love to dance to and some make me want to bawl my eyes out.

To name a few: "Send Me On My Way" by Rusted Root, "Super Bass" by Nicki Minaj, "Ashamed" by Jamestown Story, "Pretend" by LIGHTS. Those are my top faves at the moment.

My mood is temporarily good. I started the Slim Fast diet today. I hope it goes well.

I have/had a best friend. She and I used to be two peas in a pod. And now, everything's just gone. She's building a wall, one brick at a time, and it gets taller every day. She used to care. We made jokes and told stories.

Things are different now. Normally, I would care, like a good friend. But I am so damaged and I need to take of myself before I take care of her. I'm sorry, L. I'm sorry you can't open up to me. You know me. You know I never judge. You know I listen. Please stop being mean to me. Please stop belittling me. Please stop acting like you're better than me. Please stop acting like everything is a fucking competition between us. Stop trying to put on the tough act. I see right through it. I don't like this side of you.

I'm here trying to pick myself up off the ground and you're just pushing me down again. I'm trying to emotionally rehabilitate myself, alone, with no one to help me. So, I really don't deserve a hard time. I have no strength for it. I barely have any mental strength anymore. And what strength I have left is being used to get out of this shit hole by myself.

I have hope. No one is here for me. I have no one to go to. No shoulder to cry on. But I'm going to be okay. You know how I know this? Because it can't get any worse. Everyone's gone. I'm here and I'm still alive. I'm going to get through this. Alone if I have to.

I remember when I was maybe 14-16 years old. I was causing trouble around the house. Crying and slamming doors. I remember my sister and my teachers saying that it's going to tougher than this. Between 18 and 22 is when you struggle with identity and belonging in this world. And I thought No, you're wrong. This sucks. High school sucks. But boy, I was wrong.

This is so hard. Bills, responsibilities, independence- it all sucks. It's hard. I miss the simplicity. I miss memorizing my friends' school schedules and sneaking into the wrong lunch period just to sit with my friends. I miss scrambling last minute to finish my homework during my free periods.

Sometimes, I still catch myself thinking I'm having a sucky day. I'll call so-and-so. And then I remind myself that I have no one. It just clicks. During these occurrences, I sometimes cry. And sometimes I don't. It all depends on how badly I need to talk to someone and just vent. Actually, I cry when I have no one to call when something funny happens. So, then, I get all quiet, and I go somewhere alone to cry.

I'm slowly accepting this. I'm slowly becoming okay with it. Some day, when I move, it will be easy for me because I will have no one to say good-bye to. I'll have no one to miss.

I'm not sad about this. I'm still in a good mood.

I'm learning to love myself again. I'm learning to love the fact that I only have a dimple on one cheek. I'm learning to love when I laugh so hard that no sound comes out. I'm learning to love how I can't dance and when I try, I look retarded. I'm learning to love how I can't sleep when I have cold feet.

I'm going to quit smoking soon. After Christmas. It will be my New Year's resolution.

I'm going to start drawing portraits again. It's a good stress reliever.

I'm going to start walking the dog again. He's my favorite and Autumn is my favorite season.

I'm going to resume my writing. Just got an email from my British friend with more info.

My life is going to change one day at a time. I'm am alone. But I'll be alright. Life is going to be good. I can feel it.

Every homework assignment, every test, every quiz, every paper- they're all little steps towards my ticket out of this city, out of this state, and maybe this country. Who knows. Only time will tell.

Tomorrow is insanely busy. Declan's coming over. Wedding talk. Aunts and Uncles coming over. Maybe tomorrow's smile will be real :)