Does this pain really belong to me? Am I really alone? Is this my life now? Really? But why? I'm try so so hard to be strong and put a smile on my face. I'm making an effort and yet, nothing is changing. I don't know where I went wrong.
Why do I have no friends left? I'm a nice person. I love animals. I love laughing. I love movies, music, and television. I love shopping. I love everything. I think I'm normal, so why does nobody want to be in my life?
Whatever. I don't need this. This is ridiculous.
Who wants to be a friend with this mess right here? Who wants to listen to a broken person? No one. I don't blame you.
No one cares. But you know what? They don't have to. No one is forcing them to care.
I was talking to a stranger recently. He asked me "Do you have someone that you can share everything with?" And it took me a moment to answer. But I finally said "No." I have no one to talk to. I have no one to tell something funny to. If I have no one to discuss random nonsense things with. No one to discuss the weather with. No one to make me laugh. I told this stranger that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. He asked "Why?" And I said "Do I have a choice?"
I always had in mind that I would be single and just travel the world. But I never imagined that I would be friendless. I always assumed that I would have friends at home that I could always call or visit whenever I came home. I didn't see this coming.
This just blew me out of the water. I am completely alone. I never thought it would feel this way. I always imagined that it would feel peacful. In fact, it is the exact opposite. I feel like my thoughts are becoming twisted and warped. Like, my inner demons have entered my head and I cannot escape them.
This is why I hate the nighttime. I hate all this quietness. Nighttime is when I tend to think about how sad everything is. I like the day time because it is loud. I hear birds chirping, the dog, and the sound of the tv. At night, I just cry. And it's not like I can fill my head with someone else's voice because I have no one to call.
I hate this feeling. I hate being sad. I hate that no one cares. I hate that this is my life now. i hate the thought of this being a permanent fate. I hate the thought of being alone when I'm old and wrinkly.
I'm sorry for the nothings I have done to deserve this. I am so fucking sorry for everything. I'm so sorry that I am worthless. I'm sorry that no one is proud of me. I'm sorry that I have done nothing yet to be proud of. I'm sorry if I'm doing everything wrong. I'm sorry if I'm existing wrong. I'm sorry for just being.
I feel so dead inside. I just want to feel alive. Just for one more day. I want to jump through a pile of crunchy autumn leaves. I want to stretch my arms our far to grab a perfect apple from an apple tree. I want to laugh uncontrollably. I want all of this just one more time.
I miss my happiness. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss my innocence. I miss my smile. I miss my laugh.
I miss me.
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