I don't know how to be strong anymore. I'm trying to hold myself together for my friends but I just can't do it anymore. I feel like I've been torn to pieces. I don't know how to deal with this. I can't do this anymore.

There's a tightness in my chest that won't go away. It just aches and throbs. I feel like I can't breathe and no one has noticed yet.

I sit here and no one sees that I'm breaking down on the inside. My insecurities and fears are eating me alive and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

When I think of my friends who are good students or who are making a living, I feel like such a failure. I mean, they're in good schools with certain goals. They go to class like they're supposed to. They go to sleep like they're supposed to.

I can't even manage to attend all of my classes. I'm just physically and emotional drained this semester and I just can't do it. At this point, I don't want to finish school. I'll be so old when I graduate and it will be so fucking embarrassing. I can't take it.

I've failed as a sister, aunt, and daughter. And now, I'm failing as a student and a contributing member of society.

I think my friends are great. They're going to make a difference out of college, I just know it. And they might downplay if I ever tell them this, but I think it's true. I know it's unhealthy to compare myself to them and I know they won't like it if I tell them that I do it.

I wish I could shake these feelings but I can't. Not today.

I'm falling apart again. I've lost myself in my pain. I don't know who I am anymore and it just sucks. I feel numbness and pain at the same time.

I truly hate myself and I hate feeling this way. I really wanted to kill myself last night. I found nothing worth living for. My CA friends would be fine without me. They'd get over me being gone.

I just hate who I am. I hate everything about myself. I want to die and come back as someone else. I want to trade lives with someone else. I'm not strong enough for this life. I can't overcome this. I'm out of energy. I'm just tired. Please let me give up.

I just want to sleep every day. I don't want to wake up. I just want peace. I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of everything. Waking up is so hard to do these days. Nothing interests me anymore. Writing, playing my keyboard, drawing- none of that matters much to me anymore. It saddens me. I miss the rush I get when I write. Now, I look at my writing and I just hate all of it. The words on the screen will never be good enough for me anymore.

I hate everything. I hate how this weakness is taking over me. I hate how I feel so discouraged. I hate how alone I feel when I know I have friends here for me. I hate how I cannot trust anything, not even my own heart.

I just need to get out of here. I need a breath of fresh air. I need to surround myself with new people. I need a new place to live and just be.

I hope I say this right.

I really like my face. I like to think I'm pretty. But I hatehatehate my body. I'm fat and I want to change it so bad. Tomorrow after lunch, I'm taking a long walk. Physically, I feel like shit. I'm just gross.

So basically, I want my body to look as good as my face. I hope that doesn't sound conceited.

Things are not turning out as I had hoped they would. But I'm still getting to CA. I'll find a way. I'm taking two courses for Summer Session I. I hope to do web design and photography gigs by the fall and save up enough money to get to CA after Christmas.

Hopefully Summer Session II had Photography II and some computer science courses. I plan on getting my Computer Science Certificate instead of an Associates Degree. I fucking need Cali.

It looks like I'm paying for college by myself. I'm fine with that. When I become successful, I won't have to thank anyone but myself.

I'm trying so hard. I'm so focused. I'm all organized now, so why do I feel so overwhelmed still?

I'm juggling everything.

-school
-finding a job
-getting into Chapman
-dieting

It's so much. Hopefully dieting won't be so hard. I'm so stressed that I can barely eat. All I do is organize all day. Charts have taken over my life. Chapman has taken over my life. I don't even have a life anymore.

I'm turning into this paranoid girl. It's unhealthy but I want this so bad. No one understands how badly I want this.

I will fucking scream if I do not get accepted.

I can't decide whether I'm going to miss this place or not.

I'm meeting up with some internet friends this summer to get high n shit. i'm looking forward to that. I just hope I don't get too attached to them. One of them is super sweet. And hot. and asdfghjkl;

Once I get home from the RMV tomorrow, I'm studying all day for my sociology midterm exam. I might die. I really need an A.

God I love tinychats.

Smiling through the bullshit. haha

Today was shit.

I Miss How It Used to Be

No family drama. I fucking hate this. I feel like everyone is ganging up on me. It's unfair. My sister and I aren't close anymore. This is just fucking ridiculous.

Please let this be PMS.

I'm starting this crazy as shit diet. I'll be eating nothing tasty. No candy, no snacks, no nothing.

Just veggies, water, and fiber foods like whole grain bread and oatmeal.

It's for California.

By the way, I'm freaking out. Like, I have to do this alone, but I kind of don't want to.

I'm writing a short writing piece on how I think it will go. The good-byes, the driving, the hotels, arriving in LA, meeting Pat, and meeting Mona.

Fuck, I'm nervous.

I know the air quality is absolute shit in Los Angeles. I don't think I could ever spend a summer there. I'd come home to Massachusetts. I'll never miss a vacation to New Hampshire with my family for as long as I live.

I'm still nervous as fuck. Oh my Goddd.

I'm actually really anxious right now and having a mini panic attack here.

I'm making lists: what to pack, things I'll miss, and things to do before I leave.

asdfghjkl;

My dad's paying for a fully furnished apartment in los angeles. He's also buying me a fucking car. What the fuck is happening right now?

So Many Things Happening

Kind of overwhelmed but in a good way.

I've got a new hookup for weed. Hells yesss.

I'm graduating next year. I'm going to California next summer for my internship. I'm going to die of happiness.

I'm driving to fucking California. I finally get to live my dream. Hell fucking yeahhh.

I'm in a weird mood right now.

I need to get away. Next summer cannot come any sooner. I need fresh air. I need new faces. I need so much right now and none of it is here.

I'm surprised that no one is trying to make me stay. It's like, they understand. They just know. They know I need to find peace. It's a good feeling, to know that deep down, people sort of understand what I need to do and why I need to do it.

During my first session today, all I did was laugh out of nervousness. I told her my goals. We didn't have much time to talk.

But even she knew. She had a gut feeling that I was unhappy.

And guess what. I'm spending Valentine's Day in a session with her. How fucking lovely. I'm just so messed up and broken. I want to skip it but I know I can't.

In a few weeks, I'll have health insurance. I'm going to get real professional help. I need to stop cutting.

I talked to my life coach today for the first time. It was weird but I think I like talking to her.

My next appointment is next tuesday.

Woody, Jake, and Mia are coming over on Saturday.

I think that after everything that happened last year, I deserve some sort of escape.

I deserve to see the Pacific Ocean. I deserve to see palm trees outside my bedroom window. I deserve peace and solace.

I suffered enough. I think we all know that. I think even my family knows this now.

I don't want sympathy. I'm actually working towards California. I'm keeping my grades up for that internship. I'm making a huge effort in school to transfer to Cal State. So, although I deserve it, I'm also working hard for it.

As much as I need a fresh start and distance away from my family, I'm going to miss Boston so much. I'll miss Woody and my siblings the most. I heard that there's no Dunkin Donuts out in CA. This will be an issue.

I hope everyone understands why I have to leave. I just need to find myself, and I think I'll be able to do this in Los Angeles.

One Fucking Mess

I still cut. I'm now bulimic.

What the fuck is happening to me? Has my perception of perfection really fucked me up this bad? I cut on Thursday. I threw up my dinner last night.

And I'm still here trying to make sense of it all. I don't know what's happening.

This place is destroying me. I love it and I hate it at the same time. Every time I leave my neighborhood and see the Boston skyline on the way out, I feel sick to my stomach. I don't know why I get that feeling.

So, whenever I drive out of the neighborhood, I can't look at the skyline anymore.

Maybe it's a sign. Maybe, this part of my life is over. Maybe, the sickness is like a nudge, a gentle push, saying "It's time to go. Time to get out of this place."

People have told me stories of how they just left home and never went back. And I thought to myself "How can anyone do that? Just never go back?" Now, I completely understand. 

I think it's time to leave. I think that maybe after everything was said and done, I deserve this. Maybe, this is life's way of telling me that I've been given a second chance, a fresh start.

In my honest opinion, I deserve this.

I can feel myself falling apart one moment at a time. But it's weird because I feel good...? Does that even make sense?

Maybe I'm just restless. I know what's going to happen next summer but I'm just waiting for it now.

I cut again. The day before yesterday. I made 2 cuts. I was stressed. I was overwhelmed. I know I shouldn't have any excuses. I thought I could stop. But I guess I can't. I can't even tell anyone anymore.

I'm on back on my super unhealthy diet. I don't even know why or when I stopped. Last time I dieted like this, I lost like 10 pounds in 2 weeks. So, I'm back on it. Yay me?

School is fucking killing me. I'm literally exhausted all week. On school days, I go to sleep before 9pm. Then on Wednesdays and Fridays, I catch up on sleep and stay in bed til 3-ish. I'm absolutely drained.

In the fall, my classes are an hour away at the other campus. I swear, I'm going to die. But in the end, it's going to be worth it. It just has to be.

I really want the HBO internship. I will be on cloud 9 if I get it. I'll be in sunny California next summer if I play my cards right. I need a 3.5 GPA. I will literally die trying to keep my grades up.

I don't know. I just don't know what's going on anymore. I'm losing my sense of self. I fucking hate today.