Today was just weird. Like, I couldn't think straight. Probably because I got 2 hours of sleep. I fell asleep around 8:45. I got woken up at 10-something. At 1pm, I went back to bed and woke up at 4:15.

I REALLY like where I am with DM and Woody. Friends. It's great. Things are just really really good.

I hope to talk to my sister this weekend. I haven't talked to her in ages. Well, the last time I talked to her, she yelled at me so.... yeah.

I'm tired. I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. Good night.

One Last Rant Before Bed

My life is SO good right now. Like, I can't explain it.

Woody is such a great friend. Like, a really good friend. He's like crack to me. Sorta. Kinda. Really. He's my dose of happiness. Although sometimes, I'll text him and he'll reply and be an ass. But that's only sometimes. Or when I'm just being stupid. But he's there. Here. For me. And he's never leaving. I mean, he wants to get his Master's a Michigan State, but that won't matter because I'll be in California anyways.

And DM. He's good. I think. I really just want him to be happy. Seriously. I want us to be good. I want us to be like me and Woody. For example, I joke with Woody about how I used to like him so much and I got friendzoned. Like, I want me and DM to get to that point where we can joke about this. You know? I don't want to throw away our friendship because of this.

DM is a good guy. He is. He's nice and funny and patient and he's a good friend. I hope he sticks around.

And it's funny because DM knew KC wasn't a good friend and I didn't see it until the shit that went down the other night. And then when I told Woody what was going on, he got pissed. So, do I really have bad judgement of people? Ugh. Well, hey, I wasn't wrong about DM and Woody. hahaha



Anyways, I have to get up at 10am tomorrow. Class at 11:20am. I won't get home until like 6:20pm. Sadsadsad. I hate Tuesdays and Thursdays. Boo.

So Effing Bored.

Okay. Not bored. I'm avoiding my sociology paper. It's easy. I just really don't want to do it. This Tumblr shit is like a drug. I hate it because it's addicting and I love it because it's just awesome.

I'm in love with Skrillex. I could either run for miles or have rough sex while listening to his music. OMG. Like really. Not lying.

I Skyped with Woody tonight. and then Jacob joined and I was so annoyed. Woody left for like 5 minutes and Jacob was like "can I have a tour of your house?" and I wanted to be like "fuck no, go away." But I was like "um no." and he was TRYING to be cute and like begged me. Excuse me, but you CAN'T be cute when you're a giant 6'3" black guy. SORRY.

God I sound like a bitch but REALLY? I AM NOT INTERESTED.

Just writing about him pisses me off. Okay. Done writing about that guy. Ick.

Jacob's annoying the fuck outta me. I really can't stand him. He wants to like "get to know me". I really don't wanna give him the time of day. Is that mean? Yeah I guess it is. But he's REALLY not my type. Like GTFO.

Stop trying to flirt with me. I don't want anything to do with youuuu. Leave me aloneee. He's ugly as fuck. He has completely different interests as me. I just don't like his personality at all.

Talking to him literally puts me in a bad mood. I don't like you!!!!!!!!

ALSO, I'm fucking LEAVING in less than two years!!!! So, don't get all attached to me and shit. Fuck this shit.

It seems like I wanted a boyfriend and now I'm trying to avoid that path. I do NOT want a boyfriend. AT ALL. I'm fine all by myself. I need to sort shit out.

How do I feel? I feel like I'm at peace. I have one really good friend. I'm leaving soon. 

Whenever I feel any bit of sadness, I remind myself that I'll be gone soon. I'll be completely happy some day soon. 

I depend on Woody, not for my happiness, but for a decent amount of sanity. He keeps me grounded. 

KC is gone. I'm done with that girl. I haven't been this happy and relieved in my entire life. She weighed me down. 

School is a lot of work. But I know that each test, quiz, and exam is just one step closer to where I need to be. 

Everything is seriously falling into place. 

I talked to Woody last night. I swear, every time I talk to him, I always feel better. He means so much to me. I told him everything that KC has done and said to me. When I finished talking, he was silent and then was like "Do you want me to say something to her?" And I was like "NO!" I hate that. I hate when guys go all macho and try to "take care" of situations like that. It's a turn-off for me. I hate that "hero" complex.

But Woody promised he wouldn't say anything. He really doesn't like her. Haha.

He, Jake, and Mia were supposed to come over my house for the Super Bowl. But it turns out that my parents WILL be home that night.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm pissed about it. This is why I never believe my mother. She's so fucking senile and forgetful. I'm never listening to her again.
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I decided I'm leaving sooner than I had originally planned. I talked to Woody about it. I'm going to get my Bachelor's Degree in California. I'll work there for a few years. And then I'll move to England.
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I was honest with Woody about Jake. I don't even want to like Jake that way because I'm leaving soon anyways. Why get attached? He's just not my type either. So, I left it at that.
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Everything is falling into place. 

I know I'm being pushed into a relationship with him. But to be honest, I'm not ready for one. Yes, I'd like to have a boyfriend, but I'm not ready. I'm not mentally or emotionally ready.

I was on the phone with him, Woody, and their friend. We talked about Valentine's Day. Awkward. I want one, like who doesn't? But like I said, NOT READY.

There are a lot of things that I need to figure out. This semester in school is a lot of work. The workload is a lot.

I still have to figure out this whole cutting and depression thing. Last night was almost unbearable. Not only did I want to cut, I literally wanted to slice into my arms a million times. But I held back. I did it.

Last night, I was yelled at and shit. I was bitched at through texting. I talked to my mom and Amanda about it. DM didn't answer my text to him. I survived the night.

Last night, I wanted to bleed in a million fucking places. But I didn't. The anxiety was killing me.

Three more years until I'm gone. To Hollywood. The City of Dreams. I can't wait.

There's nothing for me here. Sure, I'll visit from time to time, but this part of my life is just over.

It's time for a new chapter. Time for new scenery, new people, a new view.

My mom and I talked about me majoring in film again. She wasn't thrilled. But I promised her that I know what I'm getting myself into. It's competitive. It's hard work. But I can do it.

I won't miss Quincy at all. I'll miss Boston though. I'll miss my sister and Woody. That's about it.

LM and I are just in different phases of our lives. We're not on the same page. Different interests, priorities, and friends. Maybe a few years down the line, we'll be on the same wave length. Until then, I'm just distancing myself from her. She can do her thing, and I'll do mine. It's nothing personal.

In college, as I see more people following their dreams, I decided to pursue mine, AGAIN.

It's funny how the two places I want to live are complete opposites: Los Angeles and England's West Country. City life versus farm life. City versus a village. Graffiti versus fields full of sheep and cows.

Funny how things are turning out.

That feeling is back again. It aches. But it's a great kind of ache. The kind of ache that will pay off in the end.

I'm working my ass off in school right now. Because I need to get my BA from Suffolk. I need a scholarship. I need to get to California.

Did I just say that? YES I DID! I still aim for England in the long run. But Hollywood is just... unf. Literally. I can finally visit Mona too.

I talked to her last night. I swear she's amazing. She cares so much about how I'm doing and if I'm happy. She's like another mom to me. She's opening her own salon right now and I'm SO happy for her.

So, I think the game plan is:

- Associates Degree
- Bachelors Degree at Suffolk
- C-A-L-I-F-O-R-N-I-A

So, Hollywood is literally only two steps and 3 years away.

I'm so happy.

I told my sister what happened last night. She was pissed at me. She was disappointed. I'm a horrible friend.

Woody is my world. If anything ever happened to him last night, if he was hurt or killed, I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt.

I love Woody in a non-romantic way. He's my motherfucking best friend. His intentions are always pure. His heart is sincere and honest. He's the perfect friend. and any girl to have him will be SO lucky. He's a great guy.

I feel so fucking guilty about last night. FUCK.

I have a strong strong feeling this is not going to end well.

The "Pat" situation can go either way. It can be really great or it can suck and be heartbreaking.

The "KC and Woody" situation is NOT going to end well. I have to choose. One or the other. Balancing is going to be hard as fuck.

My mom said I could have them over separately. So, i'm going to try and balance the two of them.

Now the trouble is telling Woody that KC doesnt like him.

KC doesn't like Woody. And I have no fucking clue what to do. She made him take the bus home. I felt so bad. Woody's like my best friend and brother in one. I felt SO bad.

This will never work. I guess I'll have to balance them out?? God, this sucks.

Tomorrow is the first day of the new semester! I never thought this day would come!!!! I'm SO excited to just be at school and escape from my family. At school, I can just be by myself and walk around during classes.

I also can't wait to just look cute. That sounds so cocky, I know. But hey, I need something to boost my little ego.

I have to start getting ready 2 hours early tomorrow. That's the only downside.

Welp, gotta go!

For two years, my goal was to go to school for computer science to make my dad happy. I let go of my film dream.

I think I'm going to pursue it. My parents won't be happy. But it's MY dream. It's what I want to do. I'm not too interested in Los Angeles anymore. But there's no other way. My heart is still set on England. I always wanted to move to the countryside. Maybe, I could go to England and work at Leavesden Studios. And I could just visit the West Country for vacations.

Yes, maybe that's what i'll do. I'll get my experience in L.A. for 2-3 years and then move to England.

I'm sick of this place.

She Fell To The Bottom Of Her Life.

I realized something recently.

I'm finally focusing on me. Just me.

My friends are my friends, and nothing will change that. I like seeing them grow up as the days pass. I like that they're happy.

And to be completely honest, I wish them all the best. Dan, Woody, Kayla, all of them.

Once I get my BA at Suffolk, I'm leaving. Hopefully to England. If not England, probably Los Angeles.

But this place is not my home. I hate Quincy but I'll always love Boston.

I need a new place to just be. I need a fresh start. From the bottom of my heart, I think I deserve it.

I'm sick of seeing the same old faces every day. I'm tired of the four seasons, especially the snow.

I'll miss my friends, but it's not enough to keep me here.

I've come to realize that when I diet, I turn into a bitch. Can't hate me for wanting good food.

But anyways, school starts in a few days. There's a killer sale at American Eagle. So, this means, no dinner for me. Just a meal shake. YUM.

I know this will pay off by the summer time. Reality is that I have no time for the gym. I hope to have a job soon and with school, I won't have any free time.

So, I'll only be able to walk/job around my neighborhood. No fancy gym equipment. With that and shitty diet shakes, I'll be happy in the end.

Adios.

I am almost completely and 100% destroyed. And maybe that's a good thing I guess. Because then, I can just rebuild myself.

Last year was pure hell. It felt like hell, hurt like hell, and everything just sucked. Nothing good came out of it.

A couple of nights ago, Woody gave me this long lecture. About everything. I wanted to punch him through the phone. I really did. In that moment, I wasn't mad at all. I mean, how could I get mad at Woody?

Woody: Honestly, I don't care if you're mad at me. If you're mad at me, at least I'll know that I got to you and that I got you to think.

After the lecture, we talked about other things and it just went out of my mind.

But the next morning, I remembered every word he said and I was pissed. I still am pissed.

1. I hate that he doesn't care if I'm mad at him.
2. He pointed out the obvious.
3. He told me what I did NOT want to hear.

As well as he knows me, there will always be a few things that he will never understand.

So, basically, I am mad at him. Infuriated. Hopefully, it wears off soon.

First weekend of February, I'm having him, Jacob, and KC over to hang out and drink.

I'm drained. Bye.

I can't help that I flirt a lot. Coping mechanism I think.

I know it's not healthy, but I stay up so late so that when my head hits my pillow, I pass out instantly. I just can't stand lying in the dark with thoughts racing through my head. So, this is what I do to avoid that.

I learned that I'm also an absolute bitch. Woody tried and failed to fix me up with his best friend. But I acted uninterested and like a stuck up bitch. He's just not my type and I'm not ready for another guy in general. As much as I would love to have someone in time for V-Day and my birthday, I'm not that desperate.

Oh and now the kid has my number. Greatttt. If he texts me something dirty, I will personally go to Woody's house and kick his skinny ass for trying to hook us up. Goddamn.

I hope to go out with KC before I go back to school on Thursday. Which I am SO excited for.

I'm almost to my breaking point of exhaustion. Almost.

Classes resume on the 19th. The countdown is on. I can't wait to get out of this house. It's only for 6 hours a day for two days a week, but at least it's something.

I'm just tired of thinking and hoping and wishing and worrying. I just want to focus on school.

I want to graduate so I can go to England and get the fuck away from here.

I am slower than molasses at moving forward. But I think I'm doing it. I'm going so slow that I can't even tell. Every day is absolute shit. But deep down, and I mean very deep down, I know it has to get better.

School starts next week. I'll be busy again with no time to think or cry or exaggerate. School will hopefully be my life until May 4th. And then it will be summer, I'll be taking a class or two, and I'll get back to my social life. Again, no time to think.

With school and music, I'm hoping that this year will be kinder to me. I hope that this summer, I can just take time to figure shit out.

In fact, I actually look forward to this summer. Full of debauchery and fun. Hopefully, I'll be by the pool during the day and out with friends at night. Let the bunnies out of their hutches. Hopefully find a job.

I'm still hopeful.

I tried telling my sister. I asked if she could keep a secret. I asked if that "bond" we have is still there. I asked if she would love me no matter what. 


I couldn't do it. I fucking hate this. 

I fucking hate how Woody thinks I'm doing this for attention. I can't fucking help it. It feels so fucking good, you have no idea.

I can't stop it, But I'm going to try. I thought a lot about what Dan said. But right now, I'm going to try and quit this without any professional help. I need to stop this.

I have too many scars already. Too many bracelets are becoming suspicious. I fucking hate this.

I'm not sad all the time, you know. And that's what Woody thinks. He thinks I'm constantly sad. And I want to hang out with him to prove that I'm not always sad.

I have good days too. They just don't happen as often as they used to.

I think one of the main factors behind my cutting is that I'm hypersensitive to EVERYTHING. It's like, no one can be mean to me or I take it to a whole different level and that's when I cut. I mean, it's not anyone's fault but my own. It's my fault for blowing things out of proportion and exaggerating.

I'm just weak. I'm so sensitive and I need to change that.

Dan was right though. I do need to stop. One day, I could cut too deep or just the wrong way, and something could go wrong.

I don't want to die. Not yet.

I threw away the song I wrote for Woody. He obviously doesn't care. That's cool, I guess.

How am I? Still fucking dead.

I fucking hate living. That's pretty much it.

I eat, sleep, and breathe to survive. I maintain a social life to keep my parents from driving me insane.

Yeah, I'm existing but I sure as hell am not living. I can barely put a smile on my face.

When my sister has kids, it's over. When my parents die, it's over.

I can't tell my family. I truly can't and here's why. Because I can't worry them. I can't do this to them right now. This is just bad timing.

I don't know what I'm going to do next but it does not involve telling my family.

fuck. this can't be happening to me right now. what the fuck.

Texring Woody during the days I've been sick has cheered me up a bit.

Still have a cold. No more sore throat. Bit of a cough still. Hopefully 100% in three days, tops.

I don't know where my head is, or my heart for that matter.

I really really really hate living, but I'm gonna do it anyways.

Never Again

I am truly happy that my family and friends are happy. I'm happy for them. I love that my sister married her best friend. I'm happy that my brother's life revolves around his son. I'm happy that Dan and Woody have figured out their careers and are generally happy with life. I'm glad that Kayla is living life for herself and is just having fun like a normal 21 year old should.

I love all of them so much in so many different ways. But I just can't do this. I'm so sorry but I really can't. No amount of cigarettes, cuts, songs, drawings, laughter, energy drinks, phone calls, alcohol, hugs, or kisses on the forehead can make this better.

I am so fucking dead inside and ironically, it's still killing me. Please, I just need someone or something to make all of this motherfucking pain go awayyy.

I swear, I swear, this isn’t forever.

To be quite honest, I just don't want to live anymore.

Wake Up

Okay, I really can't do this. I really really can't. I'm having a panic attack here. What the fuck is going on??

HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN. Seriously, how did it get this far? How did it get THIS bad? Where was the pivotal turning point in my life that made me start this?

I remember my childhood like it was yesterday. Playing Hot Lava with Chris and Ryan. Super Soaker water guns. Salting slugs. Climbing big rocks. Digging for worms. Going home when the streetlights came on.

Never in a million fucking years did I see this coming. Talk about being fucking blindsided.

I don't know what to do. I mean, I do. But I'm fucking scared shitless. I can't do this. I cannot simply do this on my own. Fucking help me.

It's like, I'm not even here. Like I have no control over myself anymore. I'm scared.

One Baby Step At A Time

I know I started a new blog, but writing there didn't feel right. I don't know why. It's like I have writers' block when I write on the other blog.

Just when I thought I was getting better, I realize that I'm not even close. The finish line is nowhere in sight.

What will it take to get there? Friends, family, laughter, and lots of tears.

But I'm so fucking afraid. I'm afraid that people will constantly watch me. Ask me all these questions every day.  Treat me like a child. Whisper. Call family members to "fill them in".

I know my dad's office is like high school, especially since the company is owned by him and his siblings. There's whispering and gossip among everyone. I can just see it now. The company parties, weddings, holiday dinners, people talking about me.

I'm just so so so scared. I cannot explain how fucking scared I am. I feel so weak. I feel like a baby.

I'm grasping for air for Christ's sake. See, this is ridiculous. I have 3 people worrying about me. That's too many people. I shouldn't have told anyone. It was selfish of me to share my secret.

I fucking hate this. There's no easy way out of this one, is there?