For Woody, For KC, and for MK

I started another blog. I won't write on this anymore. This part of my life is over. A new year, a new blog.

This year sure has been interesting. A lot of laughter, tears, adventures, car rides, guys, energy drinks, alcohol, lost sleep, etc etc. I won't forget any of it. Everything this year has happened for a reason. I know it. I hate to admit it though.

My favorite memory of 2011? Meeting Woody. It was like seeing him for the millionth time. It was better than my sister's wedding and starting school.

My least favorite memory of 2011? All of July and August. Those two months were pure hell.

But seeing Woody literally completed my year. It was the best thing ever. He's my secret keeper. He knows me better than I know myself most of the time.

He also practices "tough love" with me. Which I'm not always a fan of. He tries to tell me something. I ignore him. I learn my lesson the hard way. And instead of comforting me, he goes "Told you so. Now you know better. Listen to me next time, will ya?" And I say yes and the cycle repeats.

He hates when I repeat the same mistake twice because the second time around, it's not considered a mistake. It's just my stupidity I guess. So, I can't really blame him or KC for being frustrated with me sometimes.

At one point this morning I said "Oh, don't go all 'big brother/dad' on me." And he just laughed. "Big brother/dad, huh?" "Haha yeah."

We stood where the water kissed the shoreline. When we had our little "heart to heart", we didn't even have to look at each other. We just stared out into the water and talked. Every once in a while, if I had to say something really important, we'd turn to face each other.

Oh my God, I just love him. Love him in a very brother/sister kind of way. Not in the romantic kind of way.
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In August, I thought no one cared. I just hated everything and everyone.

I've learned anything in the past 2 months, it's that people care about me. KC and Woody care. My sister cares. In fact, they're protective. Because they know how I am and how I can get. They get frustrated with me sometimes, but that doesn't make them love me any less.

They accept my flaws and all. That's why I love them. They accept my playful nature, my loud laughter, my sarcasm, my crazy ideas, my random thoughts, my obnoxious text messages, everything.

They love me and I love them twice as much. If I could hug them all right now at once, I would.

Woody, KC, MK: I love you. And you are all amazing. And I wouldn't be here lying in my "Happy Fort" writing this. This was a whirlwind of a year for damn sure.

XOXOXOX,

Molly Sarah

"Don't Strut! Just Focus On School!"

So, I went to the mall to get LM's Christmas present at American Eagle. I ended up also buying myself a pair of jeans. And at Wet Seal, I bought an adorable sweater. And at Marshall's I got a cute sweater dress that would go perfect with leggings or jeans.

I'm heading back to the mall tonight with KC to return the jeans because I accidentally got the wrong fit, Hipster Flare instead of the Artist jeans. So, back to the mall! And AE was so packed today. I hope it dies down a bit by the time I get back there.

Me: Mom, am I vain?
Mom: Yup. 


I also want to try on clothes since I'm not in a rush this time. I love clothes way too much :)

"Stop Walking Like That. You Look Like a Hooker."

I was very much looking forward to today. But at the restaurant, I almost lost it in front of everyone. I could feel my eyes fill up with tears but I did my best to blink them back. So after that, I just kept quiet.

After pulling myself together, I went into this indescribable snob mode and talked about myself for a good 15 minutes.

After lunch, I almost threw a tantrum in the middle of the mall like a 5 year old. I wanted to scream.

Then at home, I got into yet another argument with my dad and brother. I just can't catch a break. i went up to my room and completely lost it. I just started crying and I ended up with a monstrous headache. Thank God for waterproof mascara, right?

So, instead of being at the gym as I had planned, I'm home, in the worst mood and all I want to do is sleep.

On New Year's, I'm hiding my cell phone because I know I would end up drunk texting someone and I'd regret it in the morning.

After New Year's, I have about 3 weeks left of my break. So, I'm hanging out with Woody, Stephen, KC, DV, and FJ. All separately of course. I think I'd die if they all met each other.
---
After the shittiest day this week, something is finally cheering me up. I'm finally learning how to play my all time favorite song in the entire universe. And it's fairly easy. Once I learn the notes, I can pick up the correct tempo and my week will officially be made :)

I also cannot WAIT to go back to school. Looks like i'll have to compromise my Burberry bag for a North Face jacket. Since I really want the North Face more than the bag even though I actually need the bag for school. I really need to sort out my priorities. Haha

Today before I went out, I did a test run to see how long it would take me to get ready for school if I actually "pulled myself together" and it took me TWO HOURS. As I was blow drying and straightening my hair, I thought "Is this really worth it???" HELL YES IT IS. Straightened hair, lip balm, foundation, eyeliner, curled eyelashes, and waterproof mascara = BAM.

Okay, I'm done sounding like a stuck-up princess. Back to learning my favorite song :)

I Love Noteflight

I'm so excited for today! My nephew's over and he only knows about 5 words: Dada, Mama, Nana, and OH SHIT. hahahaha.

Normally, when I go out, it doesn't take me long to get ready. But today's a good day and I'm going to pull myself together today.

Which means, it will take me a whole 2 hours to get ready. Blow dry my hair, straighten it, make-up. All that jazz. Put on my best clothes. Update my ipod. And I'll be invincible today :)

Adios.

"Hello Seattle" by Owl City

1:02am. I'm unbelievably excited for later today. Do I stay away and learn how to play "Hello Seattle" and "Three Cheers for Five Yeara" or do I sleep? I think I'll stay up. That's what I've been doing lately. I stay awake until I can't keep my eyes open.

I'm still in that phase where I can't fall asleep with too many thoughts in my head. I have to be exhausted or else I'll just let things get to me. And there's no sadness allowed in my fort. None at all. It's a fucking happy fort.

I've learned a few things over the past week. One of them is that I'm fucking weird as hell.

So, to sum me up, I love to laugh. I have a huge imagination. I dream a lot. I love adventures. I'm playful. I love to cheer people up. I'm always looking for new music to listen to. I'm too excited for my 21st birthday.

So, about tomorrow. Food and shopping! And more shopping! And riding in a car! I love car rides. I don't know why. Whatever :)

Well, I'm going to learn how to play "Hello Seattle" first. I've loved that song since forever :)

I Need To Get Rid of These Pictures

Writing Keeps Me Sane

I'm determined to make this a good day because last night a small taste of hell and I don't know why.

I slept in my fort last night. It wasn't so bad until I woke up to a sore back and stiff legs. -_-

2012, bring it on. I'm determined to make it the best year of my life. I'm going to do everything right. I'm going to break free of the walls I've built around myself.

I'm going to learn so much from my friends and family. I'm going to be open. More calm. Less judgmental. More confrontational without turning into a bitch. I'm not going to be a pushover anymore.

I'm going to have fun. I'm going to perfectly balance a social life, school, and music. 2012 is going to be perfect. I know January is going to be amazing. I know that I'm going to start Spring semester with a BANG.

I'm going to look unapproachable because I honestly don't want to be approached. Don't talk to me or nod at me or whistle. I'm going to go to school and maybe talk to classmates, but that's about it.
---
I know I say this every once in a while but I can't believe I haven't smoked already because all of the stress I've been going through lately.
---
I'm spending as much time outside as possible before it starts to rain today. Maybe test run the new songs I'm trying to learn. And hopefully WRITE!

I Don't Know What I'm Doing Here But I Know This Isn't Home

I'm sleeping in my fort tonight. I feel like I'm 5 and I sadly find it hilarious. Oh well.

I've been trying to learn new songs to play. I really want to play some of my favorite songs but it's so hard to find sheet music, tabs, or tutorials for them. I would die if I learned how to play "Three Cheers for Five Years" or "Miserable At Best". I'm currently obsessed with Mayday Parade and E for Explosion.

I'm also in love with my fort, my keyboard, my American Vintage hoodie, Tumblr, my pink bunny slippers, and my future Burberry bag which will be mine in a few weeks :)

This is my last week of Netflix and a free trial of OnlinePianist Premium. So, I'd like to be a lazy bum for the next few days and watch Netflix and learn as many songs as possible :)

Things have been a lot simpler for me these days. I can't describe it. It's like everything is sinking in and I'm finally okay with everything happening in my life. Life is not great but it's good. I've got good friends, a strong family, and good music. That's all I need right now.

The Things I Love:

Piano
Guitar
Writing
Music
Family
Friends
Tumblr
My badass fort
School
Fashion :)

"Three Cheers for Five Years" by Mayday Parade

I woke up today at 3pm. I suck. I was so mad that I missed an entire day. No matter how late I go to sleep tonight, I'm waking up at 9am tomorrow. Promise.
---
I'm getting a Northface on Wednesday!!! I'm so happy! I'll finally have a jacket to match my favorite hat :)
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I'm currently texting my mom from my fort. I'm begging her to let me invite my favorite family members over for my 21st in March. My mom's side of the family is my absolute favorite but there's a TON of people. So, I hope she says yes :) I would just have my favorite family and a few close friends over. And then that night, I would go out drinking with my friends. Can't wait!
---
Wednesday's so busy. I kind of wish my "busyness" was spread throughout the week instead of one day. But at least I'll get my gym membership, lunch with my cousin, and a North Face jacket :)
---
I'm current'y obsessed my BAMF fort. It's where I have my laptop, iHome, and keyboard. So, I do everything in here from writing to online shopping to school work. Love this :)

"Christmas In Hollywood" by Hollywood Undead

Another Christmas has passed. I feel like it never happened. I am grateful for my family but it wasn't the same. It was like it wasn't real. I felt so bad. And on top of everything, at KC's house, she was showing off all of her presents. It was juvenile jealousy, I know. But I still felt like shit. Sorry.

She kept asking me what I got for Christmas and I changed the subject. Hopefully, next Christmas will be better. Overall, dinner with KH's parents was nice. It was a decent day. I could've gone without the presents because what I got was embarrassing.
---
Before next semester starts, I'm buying new clothes and maybe a Burberry or Louis Vuitton bag. A big bag to hold my school books because well... a backpack automatically ruins an outfit :) I sound like such a girl. I also want a new phone cover.

I just want to start off my semester on a good note. Cute clothes and a designer bag. I also plan on buying myself a Northface to go with my FAVORITE hat. I have a favorite hat that I usually wear in the winter. I can't wait to wear it to school :)
---
Now that Christmas is over, I finally have free time. So, there's a good chance I'll be hanging out with Woody at some point. And I'll probably chill with Stephen too.
---
I'm getting my gym membership on Wednesday. My brother is training me every day at 5am and KC wants me to go with her during the evening every day. I just might die but at least I'll look good :)

I plan on buying my new clothes a week before classes because i don't want to order them now and have them be too big by the time school starts back up again.
---
Me and mum are meeting my aunt and cousin for lunch and the restaurant is connected to the mall. Hopefully I can resist the urge to shop :)
---
It's 6:36am. I still haven't slept yet. Later today, if the weather is good, i hope to spend it outside.

IT'S CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!

I have 7 days to accept everything that has happened to me this year. 7 days to accept the people who have come in and out of my life. I have to accept what has changed in my life. I have to accept the hell I've been put through.

Accept the pain and the pleasure of being human. The truth and the lies and the pure, raw honesty in everyone. The flaws and imperfections of the people we admire. The addictions and shared pain among friends.

Secrets, quietly resting in our hearts. Ready or not ready to be revealed.

To be completely honest, I'm afraid. I want a confrontation. But I'm not good at it. I yell and cry and I lose control and I just lose myself in the moment.

But I am afraid. I'm afraid because things are happening. School is happening. Life is happening. A social life is happening. What is it called? It's called growing up. Wow.

I feel like 2011 was the year of pain and 2012 will be the year of reward. Rewards for being strong and surviving 2011.

I'm ready and strong enough to move on with new people and changes. I'm afraid of change but I'm ready nonetheless. I'm ready for new people and a new scene.

I'm Obsessed With E for Explosion

Today is better because last night ended so well. I went out with KC around 10. We talked at the beach for two hours. Then, my friend Stephen was all cute and said sweet dreams. I don't like him like that but it was still adorable.

And then after that, I texted my mom about it because she met Stephen before. I'm the most random and awkward person ever.

Me: Hey, mom. Remember Stephen?
Mom: Yes...
Me: Do you think he's nice? I think he's nice. He's a nice guy.
Mom: What r u talkin about? r u drinking? i'll come after u!!

So, last night, I was accused to drunk texting. So I asked KC if we could stop by my house for 2 minutes to prove my sobriety to my mother. Fucking hilarious.

Mom: What do you two do at the beach anyways?
KC: [silence]
Me: Bitch about guys. Listen to music. Walk.
Mom: You walk? At night? The two of you?
Me: YES. Because there's street lights and cars and people....
Mom: ...Oh. Okay. Well have fun.

My mom's so weird sometimes.
---
So, I'm sitting in the fort I built. I have my laptop, iHome, and keyboard set up in here. I also have white Christmas lights for lighting. It's so cute. This just made my day.

Secrets That Eat You Alive.

I can't calm down tonight. I don't know why. No amount of cigarettes, writing, music, or energy is going to calm me the fuck down.

I haven't done it in over a week. I'm not going to give in already. I can beat this. I know I can. I just need to focus. No matter what I feel, I always need to stay focused or else I will fail terribly at this and it's back to square one for me.

I don't think I could ever tell another soul. KC was enough. I told her because she cared just enough, not too much and not too little. Just enough.

I Think I'm Floating.

I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream.

I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream.

I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream.

I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream.

Such A Beautiful Wreck; A Little Too Broken

It's 9 in the motherfucking morning. Shitty mood. It's raining. Nothing to do and nowhere to go until tonight.

I would stay in bed, but I know that would make everything worse and I would probably end up crying.

I want to keep myself busy today but I have no energy. I'm lying here listening to sad songs and my thoughts are eating me alive.

God fucking dammnit. I want to sleep alllll day today. I should not feel this way, 2 days before Christmas.

I guess I did this to myself. I have no self-control, no self-respect, no will power, nothing. I'll never learn. Ever.

To be totally honest, I feel like screaming. Really loud. Like an earth shattering scream.

Part of me is beginning to hate myself again. And part of me is still holding on to loving myself.

Part of me feels stupid, worthless, and a waste of time and space. It's done being nice.

And the other part of me knows that it just has to get better. There's still hope. The world still needs to be seen.

I want so badly for all of this to be gone by next semester. I want to be less broken. I know this will sound cocky as hell, but if I keep dressing like I didn't just roll out of bed for school, I'm pretty sure I'm going to get asked out next semester.

Sure, my looks will get you. My brokenness and my flaws and my past sure as fucking hell won't keep you. I could just be fake, get the boyfriend, and use him for free stuff. Kidding. I'm not that mean.

I almost want to be an absolute bitch to everyone next semester to just keep everyone away. Because I feel like I just need time to myself. But I don't want time to myself. I hate being by myself. I hate not being busy because that's when my thoughts get to me.

I feel like I have no more fight left in me.

This isn't really me. I know who I am and this isn't it.

The real me is a huge jokester. My mind is always in the gutter. I'm a flirt. I laugh at almost everything. I'm sarcastic. I'm mentally strong. I'm playful. I'm annoying as fuck and I love every minute of it. I think everything's hilarious. I'm not bothered by the little things. I love annoying the hell out of Woody and KC.

I've been in this phase for too long, since July. Too fucking long.

I can't wait for next semester. I'll be so goddamn busy with school that I won't have time to think, or feel, or hurt.

No Poetic Title.

This Year....

I learned how to forgive. I learned how to let go. I learned how to read music. I learned how to play the piano. I learned how to forget. I'm still learning how to drive. I learned that my pain does not own me. I learned to fuck fear. I learned to leave the past in the past. I learned to be cautious. I learned how to live. I learned how to act my age. I learned how to be honest. I learned that not everyone can be trusted. I learned that time is key.

I learned that everyone matters. I learned to not hold people's past against them. I learned not to judge people. I learned that there's always more to a pretty face.

In a way, I learned too much. I've been through too much in one fucking year. I didn't deserve it but I got what I got. The tears, the questions, the screaming, the secrets, everything.

I'm only 20. I feel like I'm 40. When I was in high school, I was really mature. I acted so much older. I got along better with adults.

Now, I'm finally acting my age. Doing stupid shit. Laughing my ass off. Sure, I still have my issues, like every other person in the world. But I'm young. This is my prime. I'm taking advantage of it.

Deuces.

Sweet You Rock and Sweet You Roll

Ah! I'm writing again!!!! It feels like my heart and soul are in flight. I've missed this feeling for so long. Oh my goodnessss. This feels amazing.

To escape to another world for a little bit every day is a little slice of heaven :) To escape into someone else's life for a little while and to live her life is an indescribable experience. It's what I love about writing. It's like I get to play God and decide's everyone's fate. Such a creepy and awesome feeling.

It's like. Hey, Aria Bowen, you're going to fall deeply in love with Oliver McCallister. And then when everything is falling into place, you're rehabilitated sister decides to move in with you and fall in love with Oliver's brother, Benjamin. And everyone will live happily ever after :)

I'm so giddy. This feeling is so powerful and it's taking over me like a full-force tropical storm in my soul.
---
I'm not fully okay yet. I'm getting there, I think. I mean, I'm in a much better place that I was in August. At least I'm not borderline suicidal anymore. That's a plus, right? Right.

But the way I've been coping with pain lately is not acceptable. I've stopped. I think. I hope.

In place of that, I've started playing piano. It's a good way to channel my pain and emotions in a healthy and non-harmful way.

Two Clouds

I'm determined to be productive today. Clean the rabbit cages, master "Written In the Stars", and WRITE!

I'm going to work on Two Clouds during break. About the girl who falls in love in England and is submersed in the simple world of the McCallister family. And the music I listen to it perfect for the story. So excited.

I also want to take Sam for a long walk. It's so nice out. Windy but nice.

I'm determined to have a good day. I guess I could take a break from music. I have so much to write and so much to clean. Oh, and this fucking goldfish is dying. Goddamn.

It's 10:30 am. If I don't get up now, I never will.

Hello, Winter Break!

Not everything is okay, but I do a damn good job at hiding it. I'm also coping and keeping myself busy with writing and learning new songs.

I haven't been in the best mood lately. I'm just tired, like mentally exhausted. I'm too young to feel this way. I try putting on my best act because 1. it's the holidays and 2. I dont feel like telling anyone what's wrong over and over again like a broken CD.

I've already mastered "Lighters" by Eminem and Bruno Mars and "Written In the Stars" by Tinie Tempah.

I'm supposed to hang out with KC before Christmas, so I guess that would be tomorrow or Friday night.

So far on this winter break, I've been sleeping and learning songs. I'm beginning to breathe music and writing at the same time. It's an awesome feeling. I haven't written in a while.

I've also been sleeping a lot. I guess I'm finally catching up on lost sleep from October haha. Before I "let loose" for break, I do want to do some serious sleeping :)

I cannot wait to get back to writing. I want to write as much as possible during break since I won't have any free time come January 19th.

I also plan on taking 3 courses during the summer. So, I won't have much free time then either. Hopefully, these summer courses will help me catch up on lost time.
---
I've come to a weird realization. Guys don't like my personality. Just my boobs and ass, and maybe my face. So, what if I did a mini experiment and dressed like I did this Tuesday?  I wonder how many goddamn motherfucking nods and whistles I would get. All semester, I wore jeans and a hoodie, because it's just school and I usually leave after class right away. No one ever gave me a second glance. All of a sudden, when I decide to dress like a girl [LOL], I get reactions.

In all honesty, I didn't think my top was that revealing and my jeans were that tight, but apparently, they were.

That is so sad. My face is up here, assholes. Why isn't my IQ more intriguing than my cup size?

Once I start my core classes, and take my Final Cut Pro course, I'm going to do a documentary on this. I'll do an actual experiment with an independent variable, dependent variable, and a control group.

Yes, it is technically a compliment and yes it was a bit of a confidence booster, but it is still repulsive. Do not whistle at me. Take your eyes off my tits, and keep on walking.

And unless you have some sort of musical artsy-type talent, there's no chance. Call me shallow, whatever. I cannot "click" with someone who does not understand the art of writing or music. Sorry.
---
I'm not in the mood for whistles. Maybe I'll stick with scrubbin' it next semester. Next fall is when I'll be able to do my core classes. And that's when I'll do my experiment.

Lots of Chusetts

Winter break has officially begun!

Hopefully, I can learn to play more songs. I've been copying down music allll night so far. Hopefully, I'll spend most of my days at the gym, with or without KC.

This means I can also hang out with friends any day of the week and sleep the next day until the afternoon :)

Winter break = fun, writing, music, and gym!!! So stoked!
--


So, today, I wore what I thought was a decent outfit. Low cut tank top, thin/flowy sweater, fitted jeans, and fur boots. I figured it was my last day at QC so I would dress nice.

Little did I know I'd get "the nod". You know the nod. The nod you get when a guy is either checking out your ass or your tits, or both. Well, I got the "tit nod". I honestly looked around to see if they were nodding at someone else. But they weren't. So, I was a bit turned off at that point. I had a great day until I got "the nod".

And on my way to the train station, I see more guys. I hadn't had the chance to put my jacket on, so I just carried it. As I passed them, I heard a whistle. I kept walking and then I heard "Dayumm girl! You like that?" So, I walked faster. Like really? Grow the fuck up. I realize that it is somewhat of a compliment and to let it go, but still. It bothered me.

There's still a level of insecurity that I have and I'm not used to the nods or whistles. I was nodded at occasionally in high school. So, it's been years since I've had that kind of reaction to my body image.

Sure, I like compliments, but only from the right people. I guess my outfit today attracted the wrong type. Maybe next semester, I'll wear the same jeans but sweaters and shirts with more coverage. Who knows.

I'm just glad I didn't wear my leggings and mini-skirt.

I told my sister what I'm wearing a hoodie and sweatpants allll next semester.
---
Tomorrow is Bru's graduation. I haven't seen her in ages. I miss her tons.
---
Well, after copying music onto paper, I'm going to head upstairs to practice and maybe fall asleep to some Netflix :)