Such A Beautiful Wreck; A Little Too Broken

It's 9 in the motherfucking morning. Shitty mood. It's raining. Nothing to do and nowhere to go until tonight.

I would stay in bed, but I know that would make everything worse and I would probably end up crying.

I want to keep myself busy today but I have no energy. I'm lying here listening to sad songs and my thoughts are eating me alive.

God fucking dammnit. I want to sleep alllll day today. I should not feel this way, 2 days before Christmas.

I guess I did this to myself. I have no self-control, no self-respect, no will power, nothing. I'll never learn. Ever.

To be totally honest, I feel like screaming. Really loud. Like an earth shattering scream.

Part of me is beginning to hate myself again. And part of me is still holding on to loving myself.

Part of me feels stupid, worthless, and a waste of time and space. It's done being nice.

And the other part of me knows that it just has to get better. There's still hope. The world still needs to be seen.

I want so badly for all of this to be gone by next semester. I want to be less broken. I know this will sound cocky as hell, but if I keep dressing like I didn't just roll out of bed for school, I'm pretty sure I'm going to get asked out next semester.

Sure, my looks will get you. My brokenness and my flaws and my past sure as fucking hell won't keep you. I could just be fake, get the boyfriend, and use him for free stuff. Kidding. I'm not that mean.

I almost want to be an absolute bitch to everyone next semester to just keep everyone away. Because I feel like I just need time to myself. But I don't want time to myself. I hate being by myself. I hate not being busy because that's when my thoughts get to me.

I feel like I have no more fight left in me.

This isn't really me. I know who I am and this isn't it.

The real me is a huge jokester. My mind is always in the gutter. I'm a flirt. I laugh at almost everything. I'm sarcastic. I'm mentally strong. I'm playful. I'm annoying as fuck and I love every minute of it. I think everything's hilarious. I'm not bothered by the little things. I love annoying the hell out of Woody and KC.

I've been in this phase for too long, since July. Too fucking long.

I can't wait for next semester. I'll be so goddamn busy with school that I won't have time to think, or feel, or hurt.