It's Winter. Dante's gone and a piece of me went with him. Everything's fading. My memories of him are fading. I don't know what he looks like anymore. I can't remember the sound of his voice.

Overall, I've fallen to pieces. It's like, someone else took over my mind. I'm so reckless and careless. Ironically, on my journey to find myself, I've actually lost myself along the way.

I don't know who I am. I don't know who my family is anymore. They're strangers to me. They don't talk to me and I don't know how to handle it. I love my family, but I know they don't feel the same way. It's a sad story, I think.

Funny how things turned out. Dante was my last hope, and he still is. And he's gone. I feel empty.

I'm dating and talking to all of these guys, and I'm just losing more of myself. I've lost control. I'm off the rails, as they say. It's not as glamorous as it sounds- dating, I mean. It's not great.

I'd give anything to have Dante back and for my family to love me. That's all. I'm just lost and I'm trying so hard and part of me just wants to give up. I'll never amount to anything, according to my family.

I just want to prove everyone wrong. And it's so hard these days.

The past few months have been a rollercoaster ride. And even that is an understatement.

In April, I wanted to kill myself. In May, I met Dante.

To say that he is the reason I stayed home would be wrong. I don't know how to word this.

When we got to Somerville, I just kinda woke up. You know? If I moved to CA, I wouldn't have nights like that ever again. I wouldn't be able to drive somewhere at 2am with my best friend to meet some guy.

But it's almost September. So much has changed since then. And so much has changed since last September, when I was depressed as fuck.

I'm more confrontational. I stand up for myself. I like that.

But my trust, it's so bad. Like, so bad that I can't have a normal friendship or relationship. I question everything.

Sometimes, I just want to be like "Fuck relationships, everything, and everyone". And then other times, I just want to talk to someone and let them into the tiniest corners and nooks of my messed up little mind.

I don't want to sound like a whiny teenager but I just dont feel like anyone understands me.

I don't fucking know anymore.

I don't know how to be strong anymore. I'm trying to hold myself together for my friends but I just can't do it anymore. I feel like I've been torn to pieces. I don't know how to deal with this. I can't do this anymore.

There's a tightness in my chest that won't go away. It just aches and throbs. I feel like I can't breathe and no one has noticed yet.

I sit here and no one sees that I'm breaking down on the inside. My insecurities and fears are eating me alive and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

When I think of my friends who are good students or who are making a living, I feel like such a failure. I mean, they're in good schools with certain goals. They go to class like they're supposed to. They go to sleep like they're supposed to.

I can't even manage to attend all of my classes. I'm just physically and emotional drained this semester and I just can't do it. At this point, I don't want to finish school. I'll be so old when I graduate and it will be so fucking embarrassing. I can't take it.

I've failed as a sister, aunt, and daughter. And now, I'm failing as a student and a contributing member of society.

I think my friends are great. They're going to make a difference out of college, I just know it. And they might downplay if I ever tell them this, but I think it's true. I know it's unhealthy to compare myself to them and I know they won't like it if I tell them that I do it.

I wish I could shake these feelings but I can't. Not today.

I'm falling apart again. I've lost myself in my pain. I don't know who I am anymore and it just sucks. I feel numbness and pain at the same time.

I truly hate myself and I hate feeling this way. I really wanted to kill myself last night. I found nothing worth living for. My CA friends would be fine without me. They'd get over me being gone.

I just hate who I am. I hate everything about myself. I want to die and come back as someone else. I want to trade lives with someone else. I'm not strong enough for this life. I can't overcome this. I'm out of energy. I'm just tired. Please let me give up.

I just want to sleep every day. I don't want to wake up. I just want peace. I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of everything. Waking up is so hard to do these days. Nothing interests me anymore. Writing, playing my keyboard, drawing- none of that matters much to me anymore. It saddens me. I miss the rush I get when I write. Now, I look at my writing and I just hate all of it. The words on the screen will never be good enough for me anymore.

I hate everything. I hate how this weakness is taking over me. I hate how I feel so discouraged. I hate how alone I feel when I know I have friends here for me. I hate how I cannot trust anything, not even my own heart.

I just need to get out of here. I need a breath of fresh air. I need to surround myself with new people. I need a new place to live and just be.

I hope I say this right.

I really like my face. I like to think I'm pretty. But I hatehatehate my body. I'm fat and I want to change it so bad. Tomorrow after lunch, I'm taking a long walk. Physically, I feel like shit. I'm just gross.

So basically, I want my body to look as good as my face. I hope that doesn't sound conceited.

Things are not turning out as I had hoped they would. But I'm still getting to CA. I'll find a way. I'm taking two courses for Summer Session I. I hope to do web design and photography gigs by the fall and save up enough money to get to CA after Christmas.

Hopefully Summer Session II had Photography II and some computer science courses. I plan on getting my Computer Science Certificate instead of an Associates Degree. I fucking need Cali.

It looks like I'm paying for college by myself. I'm fine with that. When I become successful, I won't have to thank anyone but myself.

I'm trying so hard. I'm so focused. I'm all organized now, so why do I feel so overwhelmed still?

I'm juggling everything.

-school
-finding a job
-getting into Chapman
-dieting

It's so much. Hopefully dieting won't be so hard. I'm so stressed that I can barely eat. All I do is organize all day. Charts have taken over my life. Chapman has taken over my life. I don't even have a life anymore.

I'm turning into this paranoid girl. It's unhealthy but I want this so bad. No one understands how badly I want this.

I will fucking scream if I do not get accepted.

I can't decide whether I'm going to miss this place or not.

I'm meeting up with some internet friends this summer to get high n shit. i'm looking forward to that. I just hope I don't get too attached to them. One of them is super sweet. And hot. and asdfghjkl;

Once I get home from the RMV tomorrow, I'm studying all day for my sociology midterm exam. I might die. I really need an A.

God I love tinychats.

Smiling through the bullshit. haha

Today was shit.

I Miss How It Used to Be

No family drama. I fucking hate this. I feel like everyone is ganging up on me. It's unfair. My sister and I aren't close anymore. This is just fucking ridiculous.

Please let this be PMS.

I'm starting this crazy as shit diet. I'll be eating nothing tasty. No candy, no snacks, no nothing.

Just veggies, water, and fiber foods like whole grain bread and oatmeal.

It's for California.

By the way, I'm freaking out. Like, I have to do this alone, but I kind of don't want to.

I'm writing a short writing piece on how I think it will go. The good-byes, the driving, the hotels, arriving in LA, meeting Pat, and meeting Mona.

Fuck, I'm nervous.

I know the air quality is absolute shit in Los Angeles. I don't think I could ever spend a summer there. I'd come home to Massachusetts. I'll never miss a vacation to New Hampshire with my family for as long as I live.

I'm still nervous as fuck. Oh my Goddd.

I'm actually really anxious right now and having a mini panic attack here.

I'm making lists: what to pack, things I'll miss, and things to do before I leave.

asdfghjkl;

My dad's paying for a fully furnished apartment in los angeles. He's also buying me a fucking car. What the fuck is happening right now?

So Many Things Happening

Kind of overwhelmed but in a good way.

I've got a new hookup for weed. Hells yesss.

I'm graduating next year. I'm going to California next summer for my internship. I'm going to die of happiness.

I'm driving to fucking California. I finally get to live my dream. Hell fucking yeahhh.

I'm in a weird mood right now.

I need to get away. Next summer cannot come any sooner. I need fresh air. I need new faces. I need so much right now and none of it is here.

I'm surprised that no one is trying to make me stay. It's like, they understand. They just know. They know I need to find peace. It's a good feeling, to know that deep down, people sort of understand what I need to do and why I need to do it.

During my first session today, all I did was laugh out of nervousness. I told her my goals. We didn't have much time to talk.

But even she knew. She had a gut feeling that I was unhappy.

And guess what. I'm spending Valentine's Day in a session with her. How fucking lovely. I'm just so messed up and broken. I want to skip it but I know I can't.

In a few weeks, I'll have health insurance. I'm going to get real professional help. I need to stop cutting.

I talked to my life coach today for the first time. It was weird but I think I like talking to her.

My next appointment is next tuesday.

Woody, Jake, and Mia are coming over on Saturday.

I think that after everything that happened last year, I deserve some sort of escape.

I deserve to see the Pacific Ocean. I deserve to see palm trees outside my bedroom window. I deserve peace and solace.

I suffered enough. I think we all know that. I think even my family knows this now.

I don't want sympathy. I'm actually working towards California. I'm keeping my grades up for that internship. I'm making a huge effort in school to transfer to Cal State. So, although I deserve it, I'm also working hard for it.

As much as I need a fresh start and distance away from my family, I'm going to miss Boston so much. I'll miss Woody and my siblings the most. I heard that there's no Dunkin Donuts out in CA. This will be an issue.

I hope everyone understands why I have to leave. I just need to find myself, and I think I'll be able to do this in Los Angeles.

One Fucking Mess

I still cut. I'm now bulimic.

What the fuck is happening to me? Has my perception of perfection really fucked me up this bad? I cut on Thursday. I threw up my dinner last night.

And I'm still here trying to make sense of it all. I don't know what's happening.

This place is destroying me. I love it and I hate it at the same time. Every time I leave my neighborhood and see the Boston skyline on the way out, I feel sick to my stomach. I don't know why I get that feeling.

So, whenever I drive out of the neighborhood, I can't look at the skyline anymore.

Maybe it's a sign. Maybe, this part of my life is over. Maybe, the sickness is like a nudge, a gentle push, saying "It's time to go. Time to get out of this place."

People have told me stories of how they just left home and never went back. And I thought to myself "How can anyone do that? Just never go back?" Now, I completely understand. 

I think it's time to leave. I think that maybe after everything was said and done, I deserve this. Maybe, this is life's way of telling me that I've been given a second chance, a fresh start.

In my honest opinion, I deserve this.

I can feel myself falling apart one moment at a time. But it's weird because I feel good...? Does that even make sense?

Maybe I'm just restless. I know what's going to happen next summer but I'm just waiting for it now.

I cut again. The day before yesterday. I made 2 cuts. I was stressed. I was overwhelmed. I know I shouldn't have any excuses. I thought I could stop. But I guess I can't. I can't even tell anyone anymore.

I'm on back on my super unhealthy diet. I don't even know why or when I stopped. Last time I dieted like this, I lost like 10 pounds in 2 weeks. So, I'm back on it. Yay me?

School is fucking killing me. I'm literally exhausted all week. On school days, I go to sleep before 9pm. Then on Wednesdays and Fridays, I catch up on sleep and stay in bed til 3-ish. I'm absolutely drained.

In the fall, my classes are an hour away at the other campus. I swear, I'm going to die. But in the end, it's going to be worth it. It just has to be.

I really want the HBO internship. I will be on cloud 9 if I get it. I'll be in sunny California next summer if I play my cards right. I need a 3.5 GPA. I will literally die trying to keep my grades up.

I don't know. I just don't know what's going on anymore. I'm losing my sense of self. I fucking hate today.

Today was just weird. Like, I couldn't think straight. Probably because I got 2 hours of sleep. I fell asleep around 8:45. I got woken up at 10-something. At 1pm, I went back to bed and woke up at 4:15.

I REALLY like where I am with DM and Woody. Friends. It's great. Things are just really really good.

I hope to talk to my sister this weekend. I haven't talked to her in ages. Well, the last time I talked to her, she yelled at me so.... yeah.

I'm tired. I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. Good night.

One Last Rant Before Bed

My life is SO good right now. Like, I can't explain it.

Woody is such a great friend. Like, a really good friend. He's like crack to me. Sorta. Kinda. Really. He's my dose of happiness. Although sometimes, I'll text him and he'll reply and be an ass. But that's only sometimes. Or when I'm just being stupid. But he's there. Here. For me. And he's never leaving. I mean, he wants to get his Master's a Michigan State, but that won't matter because I'll be in California anyways.

And DM. He's good. I think. I really just want him to be happy. Seriously. I want us to be good. I want us to be like me and Woody. For example, I joke with Woody about how I used to like him so much and I got friendzoned. Like, I want me and DM to get to that point where we can joke about this. You know? I don't want to throw away our friendship because of this.

DM is a good guy. He is. He's nice and funny and patient and he's a good friend. I hope he sticks around.

And it's funny because DM knew KC wasn't a good friend and I didn't see it until the shit that went down the other night. And then when I told Woody what was going on, he got pissed. So, do I really have bad judgement of people? Ugh. Well, hey, I wasn't wrong about DM and Woody. hahaha



Anyways, I have to get up at 10am tomorrow. Class at 11:20am. I won't get home until like 6:20pm. Sadsadsad. I hate Tuesdays and Thursdays. Boo.

So Effing Bored.

Okay. Not bored. I'm avoiding my sociology paper. It's easy. I just really don't want to do it. This Tumblr shit is like a drug. I hate it because it's addicting and I love it because it's just awesome.

I'm in love with Skrillex. I could either run for miles or have rough sex while listening to his music. OMG. Like really. Not lying.

I Skyped with Woody tonight. and then Jacob joined and I was so annoyed. Woody left for like 5 minutes and Jacob was like "can I have a tour of your house?" and I wanted to be like "fuck no, go away." But I was like "um no." and he was TRYING to be cute and like begged me. Excuse me, but you CAN'T be cute when you're a giant 6'3" black guy. SORRY.

God I sound like a bitch but REALLY? I AM NOT INTERESTED.

Just writing about him pisses me off. Okay. Done writing about that guy. Ick.

Jacob's annoying the fuck outta me. I really can't stand him. He wants to like "get to know me". I really don't wanna give him the time of day. Is that mean? Yeah I guess it is. But he's REALLY not my type. Like GTFO.

Stop trying to flirt with me. I don't want anything to do with youuuu. Leave me aloneee. He's ugly as fuck. He has completely different interests as me. I just don't like his personality at all.

Talking to him literally puts me in a bad mood. I don't like you!!!!!!!!

ALSO, I'm fucking LEAVING in less than two years!!!! So, don't get all attached to me and shit. Fuck this shit.

It seems like I wanted a boyfriend and now I'm trying to avoid that path. I do NOT want a boyfriend. AT ALL. I'm fine all by myself. I need to sort shit out.

How do I feel? I feel like I'm at peace. I have one really good friend. I'm leaving soon. 

Whenever I feel any bit of sadness, I remind myself that I'll be gone soon. I'll be completely happy some day soon. 

I depend on Woody, not for my happiness, but for a decent amount of sanity. He keeps me grounded. 

KC is gone. I'm done with that girl. I haven't been this happy and relieved in my entire life. She weighed me down. 

School is a lot of work. But I know that each test, quiz, and exam is just one step closer to where I need to be. 

Everything is seriously falling into place. 

I talked to Woody last night. I swear, every time I talk to him, I always feel better. He means so much to me. I told him everything that KC has done and said to me. When I finished talking, he was silent and then was like "Do you want me to say something to her?" And I was like "NO!" I hate that. I hate when guys go all macho and try to "take care" of situations like that. It's a turn-off for me. I hate that "hero" complex.

But Woody promised he wouldn't say anything. He really doesn't like her. Haha.

He, Jake, and Mia were supposed to come over my house for the Super Bowl. But it turns out that my parents WILL be home that night.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm pissed about it. This is why I never believe my mother. She's so fucking senile and forgetful. I'm never listening to her again.
------
I decided I'm leaving sooner than I had originally planned. I talked to Woody about it. I'm going to get my Bachelor's Degree in California. I'll work there for a few years. And then I'll move to England.
------
I was honest with Woody about Jake. I don't even want to like Jake that way because I'm leaving soon anyways. Why get attached? He's just not my type either. So, I left it at that.
------


Everything is falling into place. 

I know I'm being pushed into a relationship with him. But to be honest, I'm not ready for one. Yes, I'd like to have a boyfriend, but I'm not ready. I'm not mentally or emotionally ready.

I was on the phone with him, Woody, and their friend. We talked about Valentine's Day. Awkward. I want one, like who doesn't? But like I said, NOT READY.

There are a lot of things that I need to figure out. This semester in school is a lot of work. The workload is a lot.

I still have to figure out this whole cutting and depression thing. Last night was almost unbearable. Not only did I want to cut, I literally wanted to slice into my arms a million times. But I held back. I did it.

Last night, I was yelled at and shit. I was bitched at through texting. I talked to my mom and Amanda about it. DM didn't answer my text to him. I survived the night.

Last night, I wanted to bleed in a million fucking places. But I didn't. The anxiety was killing me.

Three more years until I'm gone. To Hollywood. The City of Dreams. I can't wait.

There's nothing for me here. Sure, I'll visit from time to time, but this part of my life is just over.

It's time for a new chapter. Time for new scenery, new people, a new view.

My mom and I talked about me majoring in film again. She wasn't thrilled. But I promised her that I know what I'm getting myself into. It's competitive. It's hard work. But I can do it.

I won't miss Quincy at all. I'll miss Boston though. I'll miss my sister and Woody. That's about it.

LM and I are just in different phases of our lives. We're not on the same page. Different interests, priorities, and friends. Maybe a few years down the line, we'll be on the same wave length. Until then, I'm just distancing myself from her. She can do her thing, and I'll do mine. It's nothing personal.

In college, as I see more people following their dreams, I decided to pursue mine, AGAIN.

It's funny how the two places I want to live are complete opposites: Los Angeles and England's West Country. City life versus farm life. City versus a village. Graffiti versus fields full of sheep and cows.

Funny how things are turning out.

That feeling is back again. It aches. But it's a great kind of ache. The kind of ache that will pay off in the end.

I'm working my ass off in school right now. Because I need to get my BA from Suffolk. I need a scholarship. I need to get to California.

Did I just say that? YES I DID! I still aim for England in the long run. But Hollywood is just... unf. Literally. I can finally visit Mona too.

I talked to her last night. I swear she's amazing. She cares so much about how I'm doing and if I'm happy. She's like another mom to me. She's opening her own salon right now and I'm SO happy for her.

So, I think the game plan is:

- Associates Degree
- Bachelors Degree at Suffolk
- C-A-L-I-F-O-R-N-I-A

So, Hollywood is literally only two steps and 3 years away.

I'm so happy.

I told my sister what happened last night. She was pissed at me. She was disappointed. I'm a horrible friend.

Woody is my world. If anything ever happened to him last night, if he was hurt or killed, I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt.

I love Woody in a non-romantic way. He's my motherfucking best friend. His intentions are always pure. His heart is sincere and honest. He's the perfect friend. and any girl to have him will be SO lucky. He's a great guy.

I feel so fucking guilty about last night. FUCK.

I have a strong strong feeling this is not going to end well.

The "Pat" situation can go either way. It can be really great or it can suck and be heartbreaking.

The "KC and Woody" situation is NOT going to end well. I have to choose. One or the other. Balancing is going to be hard as fuck.

My mom said I could have them over separately. So, i'm going to try and balance the two of them.

Now the trouble is telling Woody that KC doesnt like him.

KC doesn't like Woody. And I have no fucking clue what to do. She made him take the bus home. I felt so bad. Woody's like my best friend and brother in one. I felt SO bad.

This will never work. I guess I'll have to balance them out?? God, this sucks.

Tomorrow is the first day of the new semester! I never thought this day would come!!!! I'm SO excited to just be at school and escape from my family. At school, I can just be by myself and walk around during classes.

I also can't wait to just look cute. That sounds so cocky, I know. But hey, I need something to boost my little ego.

I have to start getting ready 2 hours early tomorrow. That's the only downside.

Welp, gotta go!

For two years, my goal was to go to school for computer science to make my dad happy. I let go of my film dream.

I think I'm going to pursue it. My parents won't be happy. But it's MY dream. It's what I want to do. I'm not too interested in Los Angeles anymore. But there's no other way. My heart is still set on England. I always wanted to move to the countryside. Maybe, I could go to England and work at Leavesden Studios. And I could just visit the West Country for vacations.

Yes, maybe that's what i'll do. I'll get my experience in L.A. for 2-3 years and then move to England.

I'm sick of this place.

She Fell To The Bottom Of Her Life.

I realized something recently.

I'm finally focusing on me. Just me.

My friends are my friends, and nothing will change that. I like seeing them grow up as the days pass. I like that they're happy.

And to be completely honest, I wish them all the best. Dan, Woody, Kayla, all of them.

Once I get my BA at Suffolk, I'm leaving. Hopefully to England. If not England, probably Los Angeles.

But this place is not my home. I hate Quincy but I'll always love Boston.

I need a new place to just be. I need a fresh start. From the bottom of my heart, I think I deserve it.

I'm sick of seeing the same old faces every day. I'm tired of the four seasons, especially the snow.

I'll miss my friends, but it's not enough to keep me here.

I've come to realize that when I diet, I turn into a bitch. Can't hate me for wanting good food.

But anyways, school starts in a few days. There's a killer sale at American Eagle. So, this means, no dinner for me. Just a meal shake. YUM.

I know this will pay off by the summer time. Reality is that I have no time for the gym. I hope to have a job soon and with school, I won't have any free time.

So, I'll only be able to walk/job around my neighborhood. No fancy gym equipment. With that and shitty diet shakes, I'll be happy in the end.

Adios.

I am almost completely and 100% destroyed. And maybe that's a good thing I guess. Because then, I can just rebuild myself.

Last year was pure hell. It felt like hell, hurt like hell, and everything just sucked. Nothing good came out of it.

A couple of nights ago, Woody gave me this long lecture. About everything. I wanted to punch him through the phone. I really did. In that moment, I wasn't mad at all. I mean, how could I get mad at Woody?

Woody: Honestly, I don't care if you're mad at me. If you're mad at me, at least I'll know that I got to you and that I got you to think.

After the lecture, we talked about other things and it just went out of my mind.

But the next morning, I remembered every word he said and I was pissed. I still am pissed.

1. I hate that he doesn't care if I'm mad at him.
2. He pointed out the obvious.
3. He told me what I did NOT want to hear.

As well as he knows me, there will always be a few things that he will never understand.

So, basically, I am mad at him. Infuriated. Hopefully, it wears off soon.

First weekend of February, I'm having him, Jacob, and KC over to hang out and drink.

I'm drained. Bye.

I can't help that I flirt a lot. Coping mechanism I think.

I know it's not healthy, but I stay up so late so that when my head hits my pillow, I pass out instantly. I just can't stand lying in the dark with thoughts racing through my head. So, this is what I do to avoid that.

I learned that I'm also an absolute bitch. Woody tried and failed to fix me up with his best friend. But I acted uninterested and like a stuck up bitch. He's just not my type and I'm not ready for another guy in general. As much as I would love to have someone in time for V-Day and my birthday, I'm not that desperate.

Oh and now the kid has my number. Greatttt. If he texts me something dirty, I will personally go to Woody's house and kick his skinny ass for trying to hook us up. Goddamn.

I hope to go out with KC before I go back to school on Thursday. Which I am SO excited for.

I'm almost to my breaking point of exhaustion. Almost.

Classes resume on the 19th. The countdown is on. I can't wait to get out of this house. It's only for 6 hours a day for two days a week, but at least it's something.

I'm just tired of thinking and hoping and wishing and worrying. I just want to focus on school.

I want to graduate so I can go to England and get the fuck away from here.

I am slower than molasses at moving forward. But I think I'm doing it. I'm going so slow that I can't even tell. Every day is absolute shit. But deep down, and I mean very deep down, I know it has to get better.

School starts next week. I'll be busy again with no time to think or cry or exaggerate. School will hopefully be my life until May 4th. And then it will be summer, I'll be taking a class or two, and I'll get back to my social life. Again, no time to think.

With school and music, I'm hoping that this year will be kinder to me. I hope that this summer, I can just take time to figure shit out.

In fact, I actually look forward to this summer. Full of debauchery and fun. Hopefully, I'll be by the pool during the day and out with friends at night. Let the bunnies out of their hutches. Hopefully find a job.

I'm still hopeful.

I tried telling my sister. I asked if she could keep a secret. I asked if that "bond" we have is still there. I asked if she would love me no matter what. 


I couldn't do it. I fucking hate this. 

I fucking hate how Woody thinks I'm doing this for attention. I can't fucking help it. It feels so fucking good, you have no idea.

I can't stop it, But I'm going to try. I thought a lot about what Dan said. But right now, I'm going to try and quit this without any professional help. I need to stop this.

I have too many scars already. Too many bracelets are becoming suspicious. I fucking hate this.

I'm not sad all the time, you know. And that's what Woody thinks. He thinks I'm constantly sad. And I want to hang out with him to prove that I'm not always sad.

I have good days too. They just don't happen as often as they used to.

I think one of the main factors behind my cutting is that I'm hypersensitive to EVERYTHING. It's like, no one can be mean to me or I take it to a whole different level and that's when I cut. I mean, it's not anyone's fault but my own. It's my fault for blowing things out of proportion and exaggerating.

I'm just weak. I'm so sensitive and I need to change that.

Dan was right though. I do need to stop. One day, I could cut too deep or just the wrong way, and something could go wrong.

I don't want to die. Not yet.

I threw away the song I wrote for Woody. He obviously doesn't care. That's cool, I guess.

How am I? Still fucking dead.

I fucking hate living. That's pretty much it.

I eat, sleep, and breathe to survive. I maintain a social life to keep my parents from driving me insane.

Yeah, I'm existing but I sure as hell am not living. I can barely put a smile on my face.

When my sister has kids, it's over. When my parents die, it's over.

I can't tell my family. I truly can't and here's why. Because I can't worry them. I can't do this to them right now. This is just bad timing.

I don't know what I'm going to do next but it does not involve telling my family.

fuck. this can't be happening to me right now. what the fuck.

Texring Woody during the days I've been sick has cheered me up a bit.

Still have a cold. No more sore throat. Bit of a cough still. Hopefully 100% in three days, tops.

I don't know where my head is, or my heart for that matter.

I really really really hate living, but I'm gonna do it anyways.

Never Again

I am truly happy that my family and friends are happy. I'm happy for them. I love that my sister married her best friend. I'm happy that my brother's life revolves around his son. I'm happy that Dan and Woody have figured out their careers and are generally happy with life. I'm glad that Kayla is living life for herself and is just having fun like a normal 21 year old should.

I love all of them so much in so many different ways. But I just can't do this. I'm so sorry but I really can't. No amount of cigarettes, cuts, songs, drawings, laughter, energy drinks, phone calls, alcohol, hugs, or kisses on the forehead can make this better.

I am so fucking dead inside and ironically, it's still killing me. Please, I just need someone or something to make all of this motherfucking pain go awayyy.

I swear, I swear, this isn’t forever.

To be quite honest, I just don't want to live anymore.

Wake Up

Okay, I really can't do this. I really really can't. I'm having a panic attack here. What the fuck is going on??

HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN. Seriously, how did it get this far? How did it get THIS bad? Where was the pivotal turning point in my life that made me start this?

I remember my childhood like it was yesterday. Playing Hot Lava with Chris and Ryan. Super Soaker water guns. Salting slugs. Climbing big rocks. Digging for worms. Going home when the streetlights came on.

Never in a million fucking years did I see this coming. Talk about being fucking blindsided.

I don't know what to do. I mean, I do. But I'm fucking scared shitless. I can't do this. I cannot simply do this on my own. Fucking help me.

It's like, I'm not even here. Like I have no control over myself anymore. I'm scared.

One Baby Step At A Time

I know I started a new blog, but writing there didn't feel right. I don't know why. It's like I have writers' block when I write on the other blog.

Just when I thought I was getting better, I realize that I'm not even close. The finish line is nowhere in sight.

What will it take to get there? Friends, family, laughter, and lots of tears.

But I'm so fucking afraid. I'm afraid that people will constantly watch me. Ask me all these questions every day.  Treat me like a child. Whisper. Call family members to "fill them in".

I know my dad's office is like high school, especially since the company is owned by him and his siblings. There's whispering and gossip among everyone. I can just see it now. The company parties, weddings, holiday dinners, people talking about me.

I'm just so so so scared. I cannot explain how fucking scared I am. I feel so weak. I feel like a baby.

I'm grasping for air for Christ's sake. See, this is ridiculous. I have 3 people worrying about me. That's too many people. I shouldn't have told anyone. It was selfish of me to share my secret.

I fucking hate this. There's no easy way out of this one, is there?