Time For A New Chapter.

It's 1:40 am. I can't put my day into words. It's like there was hardly any emotion. I felt nothing when I woke up. I felt nothing when I blasted my iHome while I cleaned. And when I went out with K, it was good fun. While driving, I forced laughs. I forced smiles. Nothing was authentic. And I think the only time I truly laughed was when we got back to my house. And I won't even say the shit we did. But it was funny. She left a few minutes ago. Now, I'm home alone. It's dark. And this is when the thoughts come rushing back to me.

This is truly the worst time of the day. I hate it so much. I have nothing to fill my head. No nonsense to distract me. The quietness kills me.

-

My dad's coming home tomorrow, and my mom- on Tuesday. And it's going to be a hellish week full of crying and loud music. Back to the yelling. Back to the ignoring. Back to the silence. Back to locking myself away in my room. Back to being dragged out of my house by my friends. Back to all the bad. Basically, back to the pain.

I've said this before, but I feel like I can't get better until I get out of here. I live in a toxic environment. I just need to escape.

-

K and I have a plan. I'll get my license, we'll get jobs, we'll go to the gym together, and we'll find an apartment together. It'll be a blast. I'll have freedom. For once in my life, I'll be able to breathe.

-

I just want to cry tonight but I won't let myself. This is my last night without my parents here. I'm going to try and end this night on a happy note.

-

It's hard to let go. I know it's the first step I have to take. But it's just hard for me to say goodbye to everything I'm used to. I don't like "new". I like "old". My past was so innocent and I think that's why I want it back so badly. The friends I used to have still "exist" on my bedroom walls. I can't throw the birthday cards and photos away. I just hate change. It fucking freaks me out. I'm a creature of habit. I can't help it. I would LOVE to hold on to everything. I would love to be a kid again, when this kind of pain didn't exist.

Another part of this is that people move on. Without me. And it sucks. I just want to be like "Take me with you, please." It's a sad situation and it makes me cry. I don't want to be left behind. I can't do this on my own. Do I sound like a child? Yes, I'll admit it. But can you blame me? So many people have walked out on me. That's why I find it hard to trust. I'm very pessimistic when it comes to this. I assume you'll be gone in a few months. Because Gisela and Mona are both gone. L is gone. My sister is gone. People just leave and I know it's part of life, but it sucks. It just sucks and it hurts too.

-

This is going to take time. Everything takes time. And I need to find the strength within myself to be patient. Pain takes time. Healing takes time. I have hope. As each day passes, I have more and more hope. And that is what's getting me through this.

And All The Prayers That Weren't Enough

I'm going to try to say things in the non-cheesiest manner today.

I've barely slept. I've gotten 3 hours of sleep. I'm fine with it. Because you know what? I wasn't losing sleep to tears this time. No, it was laughter. And those laughs were genuine. At first, I didn't register what was happening. Was I having fun? Yes. Was I really giving a fuck? No. Was I kind of crazy for spilling my heart to a stranger? Yes. But you know what? Strangers can't hurt you. They can't really judge you. If a stranger calls you ugly, would you remember it? I wouldn't. But if my friend called me ugly, I'd never forget. Strangers have a different kind of impact on you. A good kind of impact that I cannot explain.

I don't know why I opened up like I did last night. It's not like me to do that. You would have to know me for at least 5 years to get that shit out of me. Do I regret saying the things I did? No. I was so close to crying. I'm not good at talking about my issues without crying. At the end of my rant, I got choked up. I'm a wreck.

Last night gave me some hope. Like, maybe it's not the end of the world after all. I still have my days where I literally want to go to sleep and never wake up. But now, I feel like I have a purpose and I just need to figure out what it is. I want so badly to believe in something or someone. I know this is going to sound so cheesy, but I just want to find God again. I feel like life was a bit simpler when I believed in him.

Truth is...

I still want to be saved.

I am lost and I just want to be found.

I found out why I don't want to get married.

I don't think I will ever get over my hidden insecurity.

I need to get out of this neighborhood of clones.

I need to not be ugly.

I need to find something to fight for instead of something to fight against.

I need to stop thinking I'll never be good enough.

I still need words of encouragement. Tell me that you're proud of me. Tell me I'm having a good hair day. Tell me that i'm smart. Tell me that none of this is my fault. Tell me that it will get better. Tell me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Tell me something true and raw. Tell me something funny. Tell me something I don't know.

Why? Because all I have ever known for the past 2 years has been shit. Am I looking for sympathy? Of course not. I don't like pity parties. Don't feel bad for me. I am in a bad place. I know that now. But I'm leaving this place soon. In time.

I know that I'm at the lowest point in my life right now. But slowly, I have been improving. It's going to take time. Pain takes time. Sadness takes time. Emptiness takes time. I'm young, thank God. I have time. I still have time to find myself.

In that time, I'm going to find the girl I used to be. And if I don't, I will learn to love the girl I've become. Things are going to change all over again. I'm on another positive optimistic phase. I hope it lasts long. You think I enjoy this? I'd rather write about my writing or just randomness. But this is where I let go of everything to anyone. This is where I release my pain, the pain I don't deserve. Yeah, that pain.

But I'm going to learn a lot of things before the end of the year. I'm going to learn how to care about myself. How to love myself. How to laugh for real. How to not worry constantly. How to not be ashamed of the person i've become. How to remember the girl I was, physically. I'm going to get my license. I'm going to find a good job. I'm going to get out of this fucking bubble.

And I'm going to be pretty again. As shallow as that sounds, it plays a huge role in my self esteem. I remember what I used to look like. It's a bittersweet memory, I guess. Knowing that you USED to be pretty is an aweful feeling. It's like a reverse version of the Ugly Duckling. I want to look pretty again. It's going to happen.

She's Not Here.

What the fuck am I doing here? Seriously, I wake up, eat, go out, sleep, repeat. What the fuck is going on?

This is not me. Or at least, I don't want it to be. Whenever stressed or pissed off, I'd listen to music or write. That would be enough. Now, I smoke. Because smoking helps. Unfortunately.

I figured I'd quit after the wedding. But it seems like I've been smoking more ever since then. And I know why. And I want this feeling to go away. I know how and what I feel. Yet, I don't want to say it out loud, because if I do, it will all be too fucking real.

School is a joke. My family is just... don't get me started. My self-esteem is shit. My confidence is shit. I feel like shit all the time.

This is not where I was supposed to end up. When I was 14, I didn't think I'd be in this position. When I was 14, I didn't think this level of emotional pain existed. It's not supposed to exist and I don't deserve to feel it.

Yesterday, I got to school early. An hour early. I sat on the front steps. I cried for an entire hour. In front of random people. When they realized I was crying, they'd quickly look away. I don't blame them. I'm quite a wreck.

Tomorrow after my morning class, I'm going out with K. I'm going to forget all of my pain for just one day. I'm going to smoke as many cigarettes as I want. And we're making jello shots. And I'm not going to give a fuck, for once.

I don't know who I am anymore. All I know is that I'm gone. The girl you knew is gone and she's never coming back.

Slow Spinning Redemption

This is going to be a two-sided post. A bit bipolar. Sorry.

This past weekend was fun. I temporarily pulled myself together. There was lots of food, laughs, and drinking. And smoking.

The ceremony was beautiful. The songs were beautiful. My escort was hot. My sister was beautiful in her wedding dress. The music was loud and upbeat. I got to dance with my dad twice. I saw family that I havent seen in a long time. It was a good weekend and a good night. I am happy for her.

-

I feel like my life has changed in a matter of minutes. She's gone. I know that. I know that to other people, it doesn't seem that way. Of course I am happy for her but my heart is just broken. I have no one anymore. In way, she's not really mine anymore. If that makes any sense. There's no me and her anymore. Now, it's her and him. Just them. No more "us".

I know that's going to happen. I've seen it before. But I still, like a child, cannot grasp this concept of resorting priorities and putting your chosen family before your God-given family. Family first. This family first.

I don't know. I feel so nauseous. I have literally felt nauseous since Sunday morning. The thought of food makes me sick. I'm not exaggerating. I forced myself to eat pasta and oatmeal today. I still feel sick. I cannot describe this feeling.

I feel so lost, forgotten, and just left behind. I feel like I was just pushed off a cliff and people are expecting me to fucking fly or something. I can't do this. I can't live with the fact that she's moving on, without me.

It wasnt supposed to be like this. We were supposed to live together. We were supposed to be roomies. We were supposed to live in Key West together. It was supposed to be just the two of us. Just us.

I am simply jealous that he gets to see her more often than I do. I'm upset. Extremely upset. I've been smoking nonstop since Sunday. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Dramatic? No. Because for the past 6 years, it's just been me and her. Just us.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I'm happy for her. I am. But I'm just lost now. I don't know what I'm doing here anymore.

I Don't Want To Be Invisible Anymore.

I feel like my heart was just ripped out of me.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I opened up to you. I told you how I felt and you sided with her. I wasn't expecting that, so it hit me hard. Tears started to well up in my eyes but there was no chance in hell that I was going to cry in front of you. No fucking way.

I don't fucking get it. So, it's okay for her to treat me like shit? Is that what your argument was? Please, I don't understand. So, because she's sick, she gets to be an absolute BITCH. Okay, sure. Let's play that game. I see how it is.

Does everyone expect me to act the same way? To just accept her new bitchy attitude? Look, I'm sorry that she's sick, I really am. But I refuse to be treated that way.

I told you how I felt and you just side with her. I'm sorry but I'm still stuck on this. If I were sick like her, I wouldn't be a bitch. I wouldn't put up a wall to keep people out. But hey, that's just me.

Look, I'm sorry you're going through this shit. I really am sorry. But the reality is that I don't have the energy to try and break down your little "wall".

I have my own shit to deal with. I have my own fucking demons to battle. So, don't be pissed at me for not trying to deal with you. We're both adults and we should both act like adults.

I'm living in my own personal HELL. I don't have enough money to go to school full-time. Therefore, I'm stuck at community college for 3 fucking years trying to get a fucking Associates degree. I can't be in a room with my parents for more than 20 minutes at a time. I HATE the body I am living. I hate everything about my life.

But I'm still smiling. And I'm changing, one day at a time. You, on the other hand, are shutting people out.

And I talked to M about L putting me down about school. And my heart just sank when she said "Well, she does go to a pres

-

I'm sorry. I just broke down crying while typing. I had to take a break. This is honestly fucking ridiculous. I just want to fucking scream at everyone. I fucking hate all of this.

L this and L that. What the fuck. So what, she goes to a "prestigious" school which I have never heard of until she started there. Has everyone seriously forgotten that I had scholarships to THREE fucking colleges??? Has everyone seriously forgotten???? WHAT THE FUCK. All Hail L!!!! Jesus fucking Christ!!!! REALLY?!?! And the only reason I'm not going to a 4-year college is because I can't fucking afford it because my dad is paying for my nephew's child support. Holy fucking shit, this is unfair. I really got the short end of the stick, didn't I???

I'm probably going to scream into my pillow after this. I'm sorry, but I don't deserve this shit.

Is There No Sympathy From The Sun?

I'm not the type to throw around strong words, like 'hate' or 'love', but I am just utterly depressed. It's like, not matter what I do, at the end of the day, I just want to curl up under my blankets and never leave my room.

I know that there is so much to see in the world. I know that there are a ton of people I want to meet out there. But I just have no energy or ambition. I just want to shut down. I want to escape.

Oh my God, I just want to be invisible sometimes. I just want to shut my mind off for one day. I just want to forget all of the pain I feel every single day. I want to forget about the letter I have to write to L. I want to forget everything.

I want to fix everyone else's problems so that I can avoid my own. I want to relieve someone of their pain so that I don't have to deal with my own pain.

And on good days, I want to be around happy people so that I can feel their happiness.

You know how I feel at this very moment? I feel like I am dying. I feel like I am dying and am being buried alive. I feel like I'm drowning and no one is jumping in to save me.

I want to tell someone these problems. But I can't. Every time I try, I start crying. And then I have to stop. And then I would probably walk away.

I want all of this weight lifted off my shoulders. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I really don't. Because it fucking hurts. And no one, not even me, deserves to feel pain like this. I would not wish this pain upon an enemy. This pain is cruel. It stings. It is almost indescribable.

With M, L, and W, I feel like my heart is sinking. Everything that has been said and done has hurt me. Some actions were involuntary and some were not. Everything that will be said and done in the next few weeks will be for the best. And I say that in the saddest way possible.

My life is falling apart, one person at a time.

This Is Not What I Had Planned; It's Out of My Control

I had a good talk with my sister the other night. The weight is being lifted off my shoulders, a little bit at a time. We discussed the shit hole that I'm in. We talked about mom and dad. We talked about almost everything. We even talked about L's mom, and how I thought she despised me.

In fact, she's worried about me. She's worried that I don't know where I'm going and what I'm doing in life. Actually, M said that everyone's worried.

Don't worry about me. I'm not okay at the moment, but I will be. I'll be okay. Just give me some space and time, I'll show you that I'm going to be okay.

Where do I want to go? I want to go far away from here. I'm sorry, but I hate it here. What do I want to do? I want to learn how to knit a hat. How to hack into an IP address. I want to learn how to play three different instruments. I want to learn 3 new languages. I want to visit 6 of the 7 continents. I want to swim with dolphins. I want to learn how to ride a horse again. I want to learn how to paint with oil-based paint. I want to write a letter with a quill, ink, and parchment. I want to visit my homeland. I want to hug my birth mother. I want to live in England for a long or short period of time. I want to live in another state. I want to see the Grand Canyon. I want to do many things. I am not lost like you think I am. Well, I am now, but I won't be for long.

So, don't worry about me. I'm lost now, but at least I know where I'm trying to go, to be. I didn't know people were worried about me. I always thought, up until now, that no one cared. People care, I guess. But apparently, I won't let them.

That's partially true. I would love to tell you what's wrong. But I can't. Why? Because every time I try to speak, I choke on my words. I choke back the tears. And then, it just ends with gibberish coming out of my mouth. And, I'm sorry but if you don't know how to approach me on this subject, I guess you don't know me very well.

I can just imagine my family sitting me down in the living room and just start throwing questions at me. That's not how you talk to me. I talk better when I'm doing something else at the same time. I could probably tell you everything if we were apple picking, shopping at the mall, eating at a restaurant, whatever. Just don't start asking questions. I don't work like that. I'm naturally a subtle and private person. And if the situation ever happened, I would probably freeze in my tracks, turn around, start bitching, and walk away.

I don't know how I became such a complex person. I was never like that in high school. If I was asked a personal question, I'd answer it. Now, I have my wall of protection and a whole arsenal of self-defense mechanisms.

So, M, G, and everyone else, don't worry. I'll be okay some day. I know where I want to go and what I want to do.

A Non-Poetic Entry Title

I'm feeling a little more alive now. I'm on the border of being carefree and reckless. And to be blunt, I don't fucking care. I'm 20 years old and this is my prime. This is the only time in my life when I can do whatever the fuck I want. I smoke, I cuss, I sleep until 3pm. I drink too and I don't give a fuck. Because I'm young and this is the youngest I'll ever be. From this moment on.

You know, I'm becoming really fed up with people. I can do whatever I want. I'm my own boss. Stop trying to rule my life. Don't you dare threaten me. L said she'd never talk to me again if I smoke. Well, you know, she ignores me anyways, so what's the fucking difference? I had a cigarette today and it felt fucking good. Why? Because it's my escape. My only escape. It used to be music and writing, but my life has grown more complicated and that just won't cut it now.

I'm living. There's no law against that. So, fucking leave me alone. And I'm done with being propositioned with ridiculous ultimatums. Thanks.

-

I'm cutting class on Thursday and Friday to visit DV at her college. My parents don't need to know this. What they don't know can't hurt them. Plus, what the fuck is mom going to do? She'll be in New York with Ginny picking up L from school.

Like I said, I don't care. I have A's in both classes. It's not going to hurt my grade in either class. If I don't end up visiting DV, I'll still skip and take the train to the city center to pick up some cheap lighters from the asian dollar store. The BIC lighters shred my nails and those just won't do.

-

I kind of want my English professor to read my essay on emotional pain. I don't know why. I guess I want to see people's reactions. I mean, it's supposed to pass off as fiction but it's actually biographical.

-

I've thought about him again. I can't help it. I dont know why though. I haven't seen him since 2008. Why is he still in the back of my mind??? This has to mean something. Everything happens for a reason. I want to know the reason behind this. Why do I think about him? Can he help me? Would he?

-

I'm focusing on me now. I have to get better and I'm so lucky to have KC. I know she doesn't know it, but she's a huge factor in me finding myself again. I need to focus on my problems and try to solve them one at a time. One day at a time.

One Step Too Late And I Never Told You

It's funny how things change. It's funny how people change. It's funny how the big things don't matter anymore. It's funny how you're not worth a phone call anymore. It's funny how they're gone in a flash. It's funny how people move on, without you.

But what's funny is that none of this is funny at all. In fact, it stings. It doesn't "suck" or "bomb". It is just sad. It is a sad story. I've had some awesome relationships that always started with "Once upon a time" but they never ended with "The End". No, it's like the author just never finished the goddamn story.

-

I don't know what to write tonight. My mind is in a million places, very high and very low.

-

There's still one person I want to talk to. I know he'll understand. I don't know why he would but I have a strong feeling he would. It frightens me because if he doesn't care, maybe no one will. Just like my prediction.

I don't ask of much. All I want is for someone to listen. You don't have to give me advice. You don't have to cheer me up. You don't have to hug me. I just want you to listen. That's all I'm asking for.

What really sucks about this is that I can't write. The story I'm writing hasn't been worked on in months. I don't want to fuck it up with the emotions I feel on a daily basis. When I get better, I'll go back to my story.

-

It's hard to move on. To move away from all of this pain. I busy myself but at the end of the day, it's still there. I know I can't run from my problems. I would deal with them if I only knew how.

I'm trying so hard to be happy. You have no idea. I just plaster these fake smiles on my face all day, every day. I make jokes and goof around. I listen to good, fun music.

-

I'm coming out of my little bubble of safety. My comfort zone. I want baby steps, but in my mind, I feel like I'm taking leaps. It's uncomfortable. I'm trying to break out of my shell but it's so hard. I just want to stay home and do random shit. But I know that is not a healthy lifestyle. I think I have a mild anxiety disorder. So much is wrong with me.

-

I truly and sadly believe that some people aren't always meant to stay in our lives but just pass through in order to teach us a lesson and shape us into the people we were meant to be. It is a sad kind of thing. But it has reason. I believe it. So many people have passed through in my lifetime so far and they've all changed me in ways that I cannot describe, both good and bad. They are no longer friends of mine but I'll never forget them. I've had the best memories with them that I'll never forget. But they're gone. And I wish them nothing but the best.

All I Want To Do Is Trade This Life For Something New

As much as I would have loved for this today to have been full of sunshine and daisies, it wasn't. It was one of the more difficult days this week. I don't know why.

I've been smoking more heavily now that I have a new favorite brand of cigs, plus they're cheaper. WIN.

-

I think, honestly, that I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I've been horrific since I woke up.

I've consumed probably less than half of the recommended daily caloric intake, against my will of course. There was nothing edible in the house besides what I ate for dinner.

I have no computer virus protection until tomorrow. But this couldn't wait. It never will.

-

You know how people change? For the better or worse, it is inevitable. It just happens to all of us, whether we notice it or not.

Sure, I've obviously changed. But some things about me never will. Some people have changed for the better, but not in my opinion, if that makes any sense. Some people change in a way that they just turn against me. Like I'm not good enough. Really? Grow up.

Do you know what it's like for your parents to brag about your cousins? No, not your siblings but your fucking cousins. Do you know how much that fucking stings? Do you have any idea how shitty that makes me feel?

So, can you really blame me for feeling this way? It's difficult to not feel bitter. And you know, my cousins, they try to make it not so obvious, most of the time, which is nice. But one of my aunts, oh my fucking God, the way she looks at me. It's like I'm infected for Christ's sake. Like I'll dumb her daughter down to my level. Really, lady? Are we really going to act like children about this?

I realize I don't go to Harvard or a nice college in New York. Sorry, if I'm not on that level. But, I could just not be in school at all. At least I'm in school. At least I'm trying.

SO FUCKING SORRY.

To be honest, I am just SICK of everyone around me. I can't beat my depression in this kind of environment. I need to move out or just move far away. Start fresh. And I can't do that until I graduate. Which means, this is going to take time. A long fucking time. And this is just going to suck.

I can't change people's opinions of me. I wish I could but I can't. I can't push them away. I can't even fucking escape. So, my only option is to shut everyone off. Just mentally mute their voices when they talk to me. Look away when they give me "that look".

Stop asking me about my fucking future. Stop reminding me where I am in my life. Just please stop.

I'm here, all alone, trying to find myself again, under all of this pain. And this type of negativity is not helping. I'm trying to be strong but everyone is just trying to push me down at the same time. This just won't do.

I need to escape.

I Know What It Takes To Move On

^^I want to inherit his view of life. ^^

I feel different. I wouldn't call it careless or reckless. I'm not going to say that I don't give a fuck, because I do. But I am carefree. I'm letting everything go, one thing and one day at a time. I'm letting go of the things that trap me inside my head. I'm letting go of the things that poison my heart. Things that make me worry. Things that make me nervous. Things that piss me off. I'm just letting go.

Bit by bit, day by day, I am letting go of little things. I'm letting go of things I can't control. i'm letting go of insecurity. I'm letting go of just... everything. I can't explain it. I'm not going to be uptight anymore.

I'm going with the flow. I'm rollin' with the punches. Whatever happens, happens. You know? If I fail a test, then so be it. If I smoke too much, then so be it. If I miss the bus, then I'll be late. Whatever.

2012 is going to so fucking different. I'm going to change. A lot of shit is going to change. I'm going to be different. Hopefully, I will soon find the old me, that missing girl I keep talking about. She and I will be reunited. We will conquer the world.

I am so fucking broken inside but I know that I'm going to make it out alive. I just have so much to do that it's overwhelming. But like I said, ONE DAY AT A TIME.

I have no choice but to rise above the negativity and cruelty. I have to be good again. I have to find beauty in everything again. I have to laugh at silly things again. I feel like I have to learn how to walk and talk all over again.

But I can do this. I have to.

The Hardest Part of Ending Is Starting Again

Today was nothing special, but I was in a great mood. I felt a bit alive today, baby steps.

I dreamt about an old friend the other night. It was completely random and out of the blue. I hadn't seen him in years. Maybe, he would understand me... Anyways, I'm not thinking much about it.

Why? Because I can't trust anyone anymore. Sure, I'll call you, text you, joke with you, hang out with you. But I will never let anyone in. I'll never let my guard down ever again. I have been hurt, disappointed, and abandoned by the very people I thought were there for me. I was obviously wrong, and now, I will never let that happen again.

I'm fine with superficial relationships from now on. I'm more than happy to discuss movies, music, and all of that shit. But I'm not telling anyone what I'm feeling, what I'm going through, and all of that shit. I'm not making that mistake ever again. I'll tell you a joke, a fun fact, how to get somewhere, a restaurant review, whatever, but never what's going on inside.

Why? Because trust me, you won't care. Nobody cares, so I'd rather not waste my time nor your time. You have no idea what's going on in my head. You don't want to know. You'll never know. When I survive this, you will never know this "me". It's better this way.

-

Is it really October? Is the year really almost over? Where the fuck did it go?? So much has happened this year. I reconnected with a couple of friends, I've lost some, whatever. Time happens. Time is a kind of magic. Time changes people, for the better, and for the worst. Time results in families, heartbreak, laughter, everything. We are so dependent on time, and most of the time, we never notice.

Time can also be cruel. Time comes between friends. Time turns people bitter. It makes people impatient and frustrated. Time makes people forget. And we must never ever forget.

An aquaintance asked me, "If you were going to die tomorrow, what's best piece of advice you would leave for mankind?"

My answer was, "I would tell everyone to accept the outcasts, forgive your enemies, love your family first, hug the lonely, feed the hungry, and never forget your inner child."

-

I've successfully avoided my English paper. I'd rather gauge out my eyes than write it.

-

I'm also in love with this new brand of cigarettes that I've bought. I'm going to marry it. Haha

We Approach The Streets With A Clear Conscience.

"She wasn't bitter.

She was sad, though.

But it was a hopeful kind of sad.

The kind of sad that just takes time. "

- Stephen Chbosky

Today was a really great day.

My morning started at 11am. Went with M, T, and Mom to take D to get a pumpkin. Then we met Dad for lunch. Being with my family was what I really needed. I can't remember the last time it was just the FIVE of us sitting for a meal. It's been years, too fucking long.

And then, I went out with KC for a couple of hours tonight. Got lost a bit, which was quite hilarious. Ended up in Rockland somehow, where she bought me a new pack of cigarettes. I asked her to get my Camel 9s and she came out with some Camel Crush Bold cigs. I think I've found my new favorite brand. Then we went to Dairy Queen, Marshall's, and Wendy's. It was a really fun night.

And now I'm here, once again. Why? How does this happiness go to sadness in a matter of an hour or two?

All I know is that, I think I'm getting better. I have more hope now. More faith than before. This has to mean something, right? I have to get through this. Jesus fucking Christ, please let me make it through this. I can feel it coming back to me, my old life. It's going to be a long journey but I know it's somewhere, waiting for me. It misses me and I miss it.

The old me is going to say "Hey lady, I missed you bunches!" When I see her, she'll be wearing bring colors. We'll both cry. We'll hug and laugh and catch up. I cannot wait for that day...

I can't wait for the day when I don't have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I can't wait for the day where every single laugh and smile are all real. I can't wait for the day that I don't feel so fucking alone anymore. I can't wait for the day I don't define my situation as depression. I can't wait for the day that I find a true reason to get out of bed. I can't wait for the day I find someone who understands me.

The world has been cruel to me. People have been cruel. But I still have hope and faith. I still believe that everyone is good. I still believe that the world is still beautiful. I know I sound naive, and maybe I am. But I'm trying to find myself again. I'm trying to feel alive again, and realizing these things is going to help me.

I'm still somewhat cynical and a bit of a pessimist. I'm trying to change that. I'm trying to be a better person. I'm trying to find the old me, somewhere. She's coming back to me though. I'm starting to see beauty in everything. It's like trying to get back your penmanship after a lazy summer, except more difficult of course.

Bottom line is: I'm going to beat this. I'm going to find the missing girl. I'm going to love everything again. I'm going smile real smiles and laugh real laughs. I'm going to be fucking happy again. It's going to happen. So, watch out, world.