We Approach The Streets With A Clear Conscience.

"She wasn't bitter.

She was sad, though.

But it was a hopeful kind of sad.

The kind of sad that just takes time. "

- Stephen Chbosky

Today was a really great day.

My morning started at 11am. Went with M, T, and Mom to take D to get a pumpkin. Then we met Dad for lunch. Being with my family was what I really needed. I can't remember the last time it was just the FIVE of us sitting for a meal. It's been years, too fucking long.

And then, I went out with KC for a couple of hours tonight. Got lost a bit, which was quite hilarious. Ended up in Rockland somehow, where she bought me a new pack of cigarettes. I asked her to get my Camel 9s and she came out with some Camel Crush Bold cigs. I think I've found my new favorite brand. Then we went to Dairy Queen, Marshall's, and Wendy's. It was a really fun night.

And now I'm here, once again. Why? How does this happiness go to sadness in a matter of an hour or two?

All I know is that, I think I'm getting better. I have more hope now. More faith than before. This has to mean something, right? I have to get through this. Jesus fucking Christ, please let me make it through this. I can feel it coming back to me, my old life. It's going to be a long journey but I know it's somewhere, waiting for me. It misses me and I miss it.

The old me is going to say "Hey lady, I missed you bunches!" When I see her, she'll be wearing bring colors. We'll both cry. We'll hug and laugh and catch up. I cannot wait for that day...

I can't wait for the day when I don't have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I can't wait for the day where every single laugh and smile are all real. I can't wait for the day that I don't feel so fucking alone anymore. I can't wait for the day I don't define my situation as depression. I can't wait for the day that I find a true reason to get out of bed. I can't wait for the day I find someone who understands me.

The world has been cruel to me. People have been cruel. But I still have hope and faith. I still believe that everyone is good. I still believe that the world is still beautiful. I know I sound naive, and maybe I am. But I'm trying to find myself again. I'm trying to feel alive again, and realizing these things is going to help me.

I'm still somewhat cynical and a bit of a pessimist. I'm trying to change that. I'm trying to be a better person. I'm trying to find the old me, somewhere. She's coming back to me though. I'm starting to see beauty in everything. It's like trying to get back your penmanship after a lazy summer, except more difficult of course.

Bottom line is: I'm going to beat this. I'm going to find the missing girl. I'm going to love everything again. I'm going smile real smiles and laugh real laughs. I'm going to be fucking happy again. It's going to happen. So, watch out, world.