Slow Spinning Redemption

This is going to be a two-sided post. A bit bipolar. Sorry.

This past weekend was fun. I temporarily pulled myself together. There was lots of food, laughs, and drinking. And smoking.

The ceremony was beautiful. The songs were beautiful. My escort was hot. My sister was beautiful in her wedding dress. The music was loud and upbeat. I got to dance with my dad twice. I saw family that I havent seen in a long time. It was a good weekend and a good night. I am happy for her.

-

I feel like my life has changed in a matter of minutes. She's gone. I know that. I know that to other people, it doesn't seem that way. Of course I am happy for her but my heart is just broken. I have no one anymore. In way, she's not really mine anymore. If that makes any sense. There's no me and her anymore. Now, it's her and him. Just them. No more "us".

I know that's going to happen. I've seen it before. But I still, like a child, cannot grasp this concept of resorting priorities and putting your chosen family before your God-given family. Family first. This family first.

I don't know. I feel so nauseous. I have literally felt nauseous since Sunday morning. The thought of food makes me sick. I'm not exaggerating. I forced myself to eat pasta and oatmeal today. I still feel sick. I cannot describe this feeling.

I feel so lost, forgotten, and just left behind. I feel like I was just pushed off a cliff and people are expecting me to fucking fly or something. I can't do this. I can't live with the fact that she's moving on, without me.

It wasnt supposed to be like this. We were supposed to live together. We were supposed to be roomies. We were supposed to live in Key West together. It was supposed to be just the two of us. Just us.

I am simply jealous that he gets to see her more often than I do. I'm upset. Extremely upset. I've been smoking nonstop since Sunday. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Dramatic? No. Because for the past 6 years, it's just been me and her. Just us.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I'm happy for her. I am. But I'm just lost now. I don't know what I'm doing here anymore.