You know, I'm becoming really fed up with people. I can do whatever I want. I'm my own boss. Stop trying to rule my life. Don't you dare threaten me. L said she'd never talk to me again if I smoke. Well, you know, she ignores me anyways, so what's the fucking difference? I had a cigarette today and it felt fucking good. Why? Because it's my escape. My only escape. It used to be music and writing, but my life has grown more complicated and that just won't cut it now.
I'm living. There's no law against that. So, fucking leave me alone. And I'm done with being propositioned with ridiculous ultimatums. Thanks.
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I'm cutting class on Thursday and Friday to visit DV at her college. My parents don't need to know this. What they don't know can't hurt them. Plus, what the fuck is mom going to do? She'll be in New York with Ginny picking up L from school.
Like I said, I don't care. I have A's in both classes. It's not going to hurt my grade in either class. If I don't end up visiting DV, I'll still skip and take the train to the city center to pick up some cheap lighters from the asian dollar store. The BIC lighters shred my nails and those just won't do.
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I kind of want my English professor to read my essay on emotional pain. I don't know why. I guess I want to see people's reactions. I mean, it's supposed to pass off as fiction but it's actually biographical.
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I've thought about him again. I can't help it. I dont know why though. I haven't seen him since 2008. Why is he still in the back of my mind??? This has to mean something. Everything happens for a reason. I want to know the reason behind this. Why do I think about him? Can he help me? Would he?
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I'm focusing on me now. I have to get better and I'm so lucky to have KC. I know she doesn't know it, but she's a huge factor in me finding myself again. I need to focus on my problems and try to solve them one at a time. One day at a time.
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