Sunday, October 16, 2011

I Don't Want To Be Invisible Anymore.




I feel like my heart was just ripped out of me.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I opened up to you. I told you how I felt and you sided with her. I wasn't expecting that, so it hit me hard. Tears started to well up in my eyes but there was no chance in hell that I was going to cry in front of you. No fucking way.

I don't fucking get it. So, it's okay for her to treat me like shit? Is that what your argument was? Please, I don't understand. So, because she's sick, she gets to be an absolute BITCH. Okay, sure. Let's play that game. I see how it is.

Does everyone expect me to act the same way? To just accept her new bitchy attitude? Look, I'm sorry that she's sick, I really am. But I refuse to be treated that way.

I told you how I felt and you just side with her. I'm sorry but I'm still stuck on this. If I were sick like her, I wouldn't be a bitch. I wouldn't put up a wall to keep people out. But hey, that's just me.

Look, I'm sorry you're going through this shit. I really am sorry. But the reality is that I don't have the energy to try and break down your little "wall".

I have my own shit to deal with. I have my own fucking demons to battle. So, don't be pissed at me for not trying to deal with you. We're both adults and we should both act like adults.

I'm living in my own personal HELL. I don't have enough money to go to school full-time. Therefore, I'm stuck at community college for 3 fucking years trying to get a fucking Associates degree. I can't be in a room with my parents for more than 20 minutes at a time. I HATE the body I am living. I hate everything about my life.

But I'm still smiling. And I'm changing, one day at a time. You, on the other hand, are shutting people out.

And I talked to M about L putting me down about school. And my heart just sank when she said "Well, she does go to a pres
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I'm sorry. I just broke down crying while typing. I had to take a break. This is honestly fucking ridiculous. I just want to fucking scream at everyone. I fucking hate all of this.

L this and L that. What the fuck. So what, she goes to a "prestigious" school which I have never heard of until she started there. Has everyone seriously forgotten that I had scholarships to THREE fucking colleges??? Has everyone seriously forgotten???? WHAT THE FUCK. All Hail L!!!! Jesus fucking Christ!!!! REALLY?!?! And the only reason I'm not going to a 4-year college is because I can't fucking afford it because my dad is paying for my nephew's child support. Holy fucking shit, this is unfair. I really got the short end of the stick, didn't I???

I'm probably going to scream into my pillow after this. I'm sorry, but I don't deserve this shit.

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