This Is Not What I Had Planned; It's Out of My Control

I had a good talk with my sister the other night. The weight is being lifted off my shoulders, a little bit at a time. We discussed the shit hole that I'm in. We talked about mom and dad. We talked about almost everything. We even talked about L's mom, and how I thought she despised me.

In fact, she's worried about me. She's worried that I don't know where I'm going and what I'm doing in life. Actually, M said that everyone's worried.

Don't worry about me. I'm not okay at the moment, but I will be. I'll be okay. Just give me some space and time, I'll show you that I'm going to be okay.

Where do I want to go? I want to go far away from here. I'm sorry, but I hate it here. What do I want to do? I want to learn how to knit a hat. How to hack into an IP address. I want to learn how to play three different instruments. I want to learn 3 new languages. I want to visit 6 of the 7 continents. I want to swim with dolphins. I want to learn how to ride a horse again. I want to learn how to paint with oil-based paint. I want to write a letter with a quill, ink, and parchment. I want to visit my homeland. I want to hug my birth mother. I want to live in England for a long or short period of time. I want to live in another state. I want to see the Grand Canyon. I want to do many things. I am not lost like you think I am. Well, I am now, but I won't be for long.

So, don't worry about me. I'm lost now, but at least I know where I'm trying to go, to be. I didn't know people were worried about me. I always thought, up until now, that no one cared. People care, I guess. But apparently, I won't let them.

That's partially true. I would love to tell you what's wrong. But I can't. Why? Because every time I try to speak, I choke on my words. I choke back the tears. And then, it just ends with gibberish coming out of my mouth. And, I'm sorry but if you don't know how to approach me on this subject, I guess you don't know me very well.

I can just imagine my family sitting me down in the living room and just start throwing questions at me. That's not how you talk to me. I talk better when I'm doing something else at the same time. I could probably tell you everything if we were apple picking, shopping at the mall, eating at a restaurant, whatever. Just don't start asking questions. I don't work like that. I'm naturally a subtle and private person. And if the situation ever happened, I would probably freeze in my tracks, turn around, start bitching, and walk away.

I don't know how I became such a complex person. I was never like that in high school. If I was asked a personal question, I'd answer it. Now, I have my wall of protection and a whole arsenal of self-defense mechanisms.

So, M, G, and everyone else, don't worry. I'll be okay some day. I know where I want to go and what I want to do.