All I Want To Do Is Trade This Life For Something New

As much as I would have loved for this today to have been full of sunshine and daisies, it wasn't. It was one of the more difficult days this week. I don't know why.

I've been smoking more heavily now that I have a new favorite brand of cigs, plus they're cheaper. WIN.

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I think, honestly, that I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I've been horrific since I woke up.

I've consumed probably less than half of the recommended daily caloric intake, against my will of course. There was nothing edible in the house besides what I ate for dinner.

I have no computer virus protection until tomorrow. But this couldn't wait. It never will.

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You know how people change? For the better or worse, it is inevitable. It just happens to all of us, whether we notice it or not.

Sure, I've obviously changed. But some things about me never will. Some people have changed for the better, but not in my opinion, if that makes any sense. Some people change in a way that they just turn against me. Like I'm not good enough. Really? Grow up.

Do you know what it's like for your parents to brag about your cousins? No, not your siblings but your fucking cousins. Do you know how much that fucking stings? Do you have any idea how shitty that makes me feel?

So, can you really blame me for feeling this way? It's difficult to not feel bitter. And you know, my cousins, they try to make it not so obvious, most of the time, which is nice. But one of my aunts, oh my fucking God, the way she looks at me. It's like I'm infected for Christ's sake. Like I'll dumb her daughter down to my level. Really, lady? Are we really going to act like children about this?

I realize I don't go to Harvard or a nice college in New York. Sorry, if I'm not on that level. But, I could just not be in school at all. At least I'm in school. At least I'm trying.

SO FUCKING SORRY.

To be honest, I am just SICK of everyone around me. I can't beat my depression in this kind of environment. I need to move out or just move far away. Start fresh. And I can't do that until I graduate. Which means, this is going to take time. A long fucking time. And this is just going to suck.

I can't change people's opinions of me. I wish I could but I can't. I can't push them away. I can't even fucking escape. So, my only option is to shut everyone off. Just mentally mute their voices when they talk to me. Look away when they give me "that look".

Stop asking me about my fucking future. Stop reminding me where I am in my life. Just please stop.

I'm here, all alone, trying to find myself again, under all of this pain. And this type of negativity is not helping. I'm trying to be strong but everyone is just trying to push me down at the same time. This just won't do.

I need to escape.