This is not me. Or at least, I don't want it to be. Whenever stressed or pissed off, I'd listen to music or write. That would be enough. Now, I smoke. Because smoking helps. Unfortunately.
I figured I'd quit after the wedding. But it seems like I've been smoking more ever since then. And I know why. And I want this feeling to go away. I know how and what I feel. Yet, I don't want to say it out loud, because if I do, it will all be too fucking real.
School is a joke. My family is just... don't get me started. My self-esteem is shit. My confidence is shit. I feel like shit all the time.
This is not where I was supposed to end up. When I was 14, I didn't think I'd be in this position. When I was 14, I didn't think this level of emotional pain existed. It's not supposed to exist and I don't deserve to feel it.
Yesterday, I got to school early. An hour early. I sat on the front steps. I cried for an entire hour. In front of random people. When they realized I was crying, they'd quickly look away. I don't blame them. I'm quite a wreck.
Tomorrow after my morning class, I'm going out with K. I'm going to forget all of my pain for just one day. I'm going to smoke as many cigarettes as I want. And we're making jello shots. And I'm not going to give a fuck, for once.
I don't know who I am anymore. All I know is that I'm gone. The girl you knew is gone and she's never coming back.
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