I've barely slept. I've gotten 3 hours of sleep. I'm fine with it. Because you know what? I wasn't losing sleep to tears this time. No, it was laughter. And those laughs were genuine. At first, I didn't register what was happening. Was I having fun? Yes. Was I really giving a fuck? No. Was I kind of crazy for spilling my heart to a stranger? Yes. But you know what? Strangers can't hurt you. They can't really judge you. If a stranger calls you ugly, would you remember it? I wouldn't. But if my friend called me ugly, I'd never forget. Strangers have a different kind of impact on you. A good kind of impact that I cannot explain.
I don't know why I opened up like I did last night. It's not like me to do that. You would have to know me for at least 5 years to get that shit out of me. Do I regret saying the things I did? No. I was so close to crying. I'm not good at talking about my issues without crying. At the end of my rant, I got choked up. I'm a wreck.
Last night gave me some hope. Like, maybe it's not the end of the world after all. I still have my days where I literally want to go to sleep and never wake up. But now, I feel like I have a purpose and I just need to figure out what it is. I want so badly to believe in something or someone. I know this is going to sound so cheesy, but I just want to find God again. I feel like life was a bit simpler when I believed in him.
Truth is...
I still want to be saved.
I am lost and I just want to be found.
I found out why I don't want to get married.
I don't think I will ever get over my hidden insecurity.
I need to get out of this neighborhood of clones.
I need to not be ugly.
I need to find something to fight for instead of something to fight against.
I need to stop thinking I'll never be good enough.
I still need words of encouragement. Tell me that you're proud of me. Tell me I'm having a good hair day. Tell me that i'm smart. Tell me that none of this is my fault. Tell me that it will get better. Tell me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Tell me something true and raw. Tell me something funny. Tell me something I don't know.
Why? Because all I have ever known for the past 2 years has been shit. Am I looking for sympathy? Of course not. I don't like pity parties. Don't feel bad for me. I am in a bad place. I know that now. But I'm leaving this place soon. In time.
I know that I'm at the lowest point in my life right now. But slowly, I have been improving. It's going to take time. Pain takes time. Sadness takes time. Emptiness takes time. I'm young, thank God. I have time. I still have time to find myself.
In that time, I'm going to find the girl I used to be. And if I don't, I will learn to love the girl I've become. Things are going to change all over again. I'm on another positive optimistic phase. I hope it lasts long. You think I enjoy this? I'd rather write about my writing or just randomness. But this is where I let go of everything to anyone. This is where I release my pain, the pain I don't deserve. Yeah, that pain.
But I'm going to learn a lot of things before the end of the year. I'm going to learn how to care about myself. How to love myself. How to laugh for real. How to not worry constantly. How to not be ashamed of the person i've become. How to remember the girl I was, physically. I'm going to get my license. I'm going to find a good job. I'm going to get out of this fucking bubble.
And I'm going to be pretty again. As shallow as that sounds, it plays a huge role in my self esteem. I remember what I used to look like. It's a bittersweet memory, I guess. Knowing that you USED to be pretty is an aweful feeling. It's like a reverse version of the Ugly Duckling. I want to look pretty again. It's going to happen.
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