Is There No Sympathy From The Sun?

I'm not the type to throw around strong words, like 'hate' or 'love', but I am just utterly depressed. It's like, not matter what I do, at the end of the day, I just want to curl up under my blankets and never leave my room.

I know that there is so much to see in the world. I know that there are a ton of people I want to meet out there. But I just have no energy or ambition. I just want to shut down. I want to escape.

Oh my God, I just want to be invisible sometimes. I just want to shut my mind off for one day. I just want to forget all of the pain I feel every single day. I want to forget about the letter I have to write to L. I want to forget everything.

I want to fix everyone else's problems so that I can avoid my own. I want to relieve someone of their pain so that I don't have to deal with my own pain.

And on good days, I want to be around happy people so that I can feel their happiness.

You know how I feel at this very moment? I feel like I am dying. I feel like I am dying and am being buried alive. I feel like I'm drowning and no one is jumping in to save me.

I want to tell someone these problems. But I can't. Every time I try, I start crying. And then I have to stop. And then I would probably walk away.

I want all of this weight lifted off my shoulders. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I really don't. Because it fucking hurts. And no one, not even me, deserves to feel pain like this. I would not wish this pain upon an enemy. This pain is cruel. It stings. It is almost indescribable.

With M, L, and W, I feel like my heart is sinking. Everything that has been said and done has hurt me. Some actions were involuntary and some were not. Everything that will be said and done in the next few weeks will be for the best. And I say that in the saddest way possible.

My life is falling apart, one person at a time.