So So So Tired.

[facing Squantum, at Wollaston Beach]

I am so unbelievably tired. Running on 4 hours of sleep. I can barely keep my eyes open and every time I yawn, tears come pouring down my face.

Tomorrow should be fun. It will be a miracle if KC and I make it to Wellesley and back, alive and in one piece.

I missed the last 2 classes of math. My math class is just review for me actually. But I'm still lost and I spent some time today trying to reteach myself the lesson and try to remember what the hell I learned back in high school. FUN.

I also can't find my MBTA card which I need to take the bus home tomorrow. Great. That's cool too.

I know I sound cranky but I'm really not. I'm just typing fast so I don't pass out on my keyboard. I can't remember the last time I've felt this tired. I have no idea why I even stayed up until 7am this morning.

I made a Tumblr. I haven't the slightest clue how to use it. Makes me feel old, in a way. I had a nerd moment and tried to remember my HTML knowledge that I learned in my web design class in high school and basic tricks I learned from MySpace. Oh well.

I'm literally going to pass out. Adios.

Don't Let Fear of Falling Hold You Down

[Sunrise, view from my bedroom]

67 degrees in late November? Crazy but good. This weather is awesome. I'm wearing shorts :)

I didn't go to sleep until 7am this morning. I woke up around 11am and I'm surprisingly not tired. I got to watch the sunrise. I haven't done that since October. The sky was pink.

-

I just got an interview for Wednesday in Braintree. Not exactly what I wanted because of the distance but at this point, I'm desperate. I hope I get the job and I hope the pay is equal or higher than what I ended with at PetSmart.

-

KC and I have been getting along better. She and I had a good talk the other night. She made a lot of sense in what she said. It was good and it got me thinking.

-

I still can't believe that December is a few days away. Where did the time go? This has been one of the toughest years so far. So much pain and tears and sleepless nights. So much writing and typing and slammed doors.

I can't believe that I'm here. Like, HERE. Right now. I survived this year. I'm proud of myself. This was just an off year. So much disappointment and abandonment. After all of the shit I've been through, I'm still standing.

I'm still here. I guess I was stronger than I thought. I still have faith and hope. I just know that things can only get better. And sure, people have left but there are people still here. And there are people on their way. The power of words is unbelievable, really. A simple "It gets better" can make a difference.

Next year, more smiles, less fear. More laughter, less tears. It's going to be a journey. Hell yes. Bring it on. I'm ready now for what ever life throws my way. I can take it. Because I'm strong and I'm not giving up. And I'm not going anywhere.

How To Be Brave

Hmm. Where do I start? Today in general is going well so far. My nephew is over until 3pm. My sister's here too to help TK study for his EMT exam. So, it's a full house today.

-

I talked to KC on the phone last night until 3am. I'm spending most of Tuesday with her. She's picking me up after class. Then, me, her, and FJ are picking up JA in Wellesley. Then, we're heading to the liquor store to get beer. And then beer pong at KC's house. Should be a fun night. I'm not much of a party person but it's good to let loose every once in a while :)

-

And my mom said she'd get me a flat screen tv and a PS3. I'm not a materialistic person but those are the only things I really really want for Christmas. For now, I'm using my mom's Wii in my room. But I need to get the adapter from KC on Tuesday. KC explained to me Saints Row and how she thought the game was designed by men. "Tits do not swing! That's what bras are for, assholes." Hahaha.

-

I started having dreams within dreams. Not joking. And it's starting to freak me out because sometimes, I don't know whether I'm asleep or awake. It started happening ever since I started sleeping without any light in my room, no fish tank light or iHome light. So, I'm going to turn one of them on and see if it still happens tonight. Fucking creepy.

----

Do not look back at your past with regret. But also, do not look forward at your future in fear. Instead, embrace the moment of now. Embrace who's still here for you. Embrace what you still have. Embrace that fact that you are human and it's okay. It's more than okay to break down every once in a while. Find an empty room. Excuse yourself from a crowd. Let the tears flow. It's okay tell yourself that today is difficult because tomorrow is on its way. Tomorrow is a gift that is not given to everyone. Cherish each day. And you know, people do leave. It happens. But remind yourself that you still have other people here for you.

I know I've said this before but I want to be the kind of person I never had. I want to listen and be there to support a friend. So many people have given up on me. And I'm not giving up on anyone right now. No fucking way. That's a promise. Shut me out and put me down but I'm not going anywhere. Am I loyal? I like to think so (without sounding cocky). So, yeah, sorry if I sound aggressive but I've been let down and left behind so many times that I would never do it to anyone myself. Never. I am here to stay.

I don't actually know who the hell I'm talking to. As usual, this is where I get things out. But I hope I got my point across.

I used to hate crying. I used to hold it in. Why? Because I thought tears were signs of weakness. I thought I had to be strong. I took care of everyone else's problems to avoid dealing with my own? Now, am I all of a sudden a cry baby? No. But I'm human as is everyone else. And I'm sure I am not the only one who finds 10 minutes maybe once a week to just cry let out any pain and frustration.

I don't like when people hold things in. I see what it does to people. I see what it does to TK sometimes. He holds it in and maybe once or twice a year, he explodes. It freaks me out to be honest. I hate seeing my brother cry. I always tell people to never hold things in. It does bad things. I held everything in this year and in August, I imploded, in the dark, on a porch, at a condo, in the mountains of New Hampshire. I sat and cried for two fucking hours and it sucked. Lesson learned. No more holding it in for me and I hope no one else does too.

----

MK is helping TK study right now and they need my computer.

----

Tomorrow's a fresh start. Remember that.

The Moment of Truth In Your Lies

-

What am I thankful for? Well, I'm thankful for my bad-ass family. I'm thankful that I literally survived this year. I'm thankful for KH, my new brother-in-law. I'm thankful for the shelter, food, and clothes that my parents have provided for me. I'm also thankful for DM, a new friend, who has taught me a good deal of things in the past month. I'm also thankful for another year of being WV's friend. We've been there for each other for 4 (I think) years. He and I have a unique relationship as we've never met even though he lives a few towns over. Maybe I'll never meet him. I kind of like it this way. It's fun.

-

Yesterday was KC's birthday. She got Saints Row 3 and MW3. So, I asked my mom for those 2 games and an Xbox for Christmas so that she and I could play. Though I'm pretty sure that if I got those games, I'd never come out of my room.

-

Well, I'm leaving in a few minutes. Let's hope that tonight is fun. And let's hope that this following week is good and simple and full of laughs.

---

Tonight was really fun. I saw some family that I haven't seen in ages. I'm embarrassed to say that my 12 year old cousin is taller than me. Jeesh. I'm such a shorty.

Tomorrow, I'm heading to the movies with Mom and MK. Should be fun. Although I'm pretty sure I'm going to miss the Bruins game at 1pm. But I'm glad that they're #1 in the division. And there's another game on Saturday for me to watch. Hockey's probably one of the best sports to watch. I don't mind baseball but it gets boring after a few innings. Hockey is just a little barbaric :) And I love when Milan Lucic fights too.

Well, goodnight. Tomorrow's a new day :)

Still Here, Still Strong, And Still Smiling.

That's all.

I Can't Feel My Toes

Anyone could tell you that I ask too many questions. It's to the point where it's just a part of me. My family could spend an hour trading stories about my "questions". It's funny, I guess.

Me: Is it ok if the dog sleeps in my room?

TK: Yep.

Me: Are you going to shut off all the lights before you go to bed?

TK: Yep.

Me: I forgot to cover Sammy's food bowl. Can you do it?

TK: Yep.

Me: And I'm going to set my alarm to take the trash out, okay?

TK: Yep.

Me: Do you mind if I put my clothes in the dryer?

TK: OH MY GOD. GO AHEAD.

Me: What?!

TK: Molly, I love you to death but you ask so many questions...

Me: I know, I know. I'm sorry. Goodnight!

-

Mom: [puts on her shoes]

Me: Where are you going?

Mom: Nowhere....

Me: Why are you putting your shoes on then?

Mom: Do always have to ask so many questions?

Me: Yes!

Mom: [picks up her phone]

Me: Who are you texting?

Mom: Go awayyy!!!!

-

Me: Where are we going?

KC: I'm not sure yet.

Me: Are we meeting up with anyone?

KC: I don't know yet.

Me: When will you know?

KC: You're joking right?

Me: No, I just like to have a plan and make sure I don't end up in pieces in some back alley in Boston.

The only reason I brought this up is because DM said this to me last night, that I ask too many questions. I just laughed because he's not the first person who has told me this. Oh well :) My family knows that I talk a lot and ask tons of questions and they tease me about it most days. Haha. Usually when I tell my Dad about how my day is going, he asks me where my iPod is. Very subtle, Dad.

Alrighty. Adios.

Sorry, This Library Is Closed.

Tonight, I am climbing a giant mountain of school work. Awesome. Loads of homework and studying. Should be a blast. In the past month, I have watched barely any television. I had three shows that I used to watch and now I've lost interest. Maybe it's because I'm too focused on school, employment, and my future in general. I still love movies of course. And if my daily to-do list is completed, I'll sometimes watch television with my mom late at night.

-

I guess I can continue to write about my opinions on certain matters. But I think I'm done with all of the super personal things. I've let too many things into the open. Like I said, I am honest and I do not lie to the people who are important to me. But being open is an entirely different thing. Being open makes you vulnerable. Vulnerable is something I am not willing to be right now.

-

I can write about my past, because the past is in the past and it is done. However, I won't be writing about anything happening now. The present is off limits. The present is written in a hardcover, pink and brown book with an attached silk ribbon bookmark. My diary is in the open, under my iHome/radio. I figure it won't look as suspicious. That book contains my present feelings and all that jazz. I write in it almost every night, since I said that I wouldn't write personal things on here anymore.

-

I can write about many things pertaining to what I've been through, sure. But today, I'm setting boundaries. Hell, I'm not even sure anyone reads this. But still, it matters to me.

-

I'm cutting KC out of my life completely. Actually, I'm cutting out every negative thing and person out of my life. I'm 20, ambitious, goal-oriented, and focused. I don't need some bitch to call me a liar one day and a best friend the next day. It's a like a rollercoaster ride with that girl. As angry as she makes me, I sure hope she finds a guy to put up with her relentless bullshit. She's so fake and I can't deal with it anymore.

-

I'm definitely focusing on "the now". Just today. Not yesterday and not tomorrow. I cannot dwell on the past and I cannot worry about tomorrow. I can only focus on today. I realize that now and the thought of that calms me.

-

It's 6pm and I have a long night ahead of me. I'm probably going to end up multi-tasking by doing school work and watching the Bruins game :) And Milan Lucic is still my favorite :)

Watch Me Rise

Yesterday was just an absolute blast. Last night was so much fun. Dancing, laughing, and drinking- you can't beat that. My siblings are too amazing, really. I don't know how I could live without them. And my cousins, oh God. Talk about insane. They are the most straight-laced people ever. But when they drink, they're crazy. Haha.

I definitely needed a good night. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. My throat is a bit sore but it's all good. I had so much fun :)

Anyways, today's my lazy day. Tomorrow, it's back to running and whatnot. The only direction I'm moving is forward. Gotta keep moving. Gotta start living. After all, we're only young once :)

Hakuna Matata

I decided to cut down on the posts on here. Too much information on here and I don't want to bother to change the URL either. Same site, less writing. Maybe more pictures?

I'm still very focused on finding a job and getting out of here. I'm determined and I'm going to work for everything I want and need. As for family, friends, etc, just one day at a time. I'm definitely learning as I go that I just need to go with the flow and roll with the punches, as they say :)

-

Everyone has flaws. First we must accept them. Then we can choose to either embrace them or fix them. Right now? I'm embracing two of my flaws. (In my opinion, they can be flaws) I'm almost too patient and too caring. If there is such a thing. But I'm going to embrace those two things about me. Because I do care about certain people and I will always be patient with them. I like to think I'm a loyal person. I stick around. I don't give up on my friends and family. If you yell at me or snap at me, guess what? I'll be here tomorrow, when you're calmed down.

Sure, I'm a little hurt when people are in bad moods but I'm patient. And I care. My sister does this a lot. TK does this too. So, I give them space and I'll let them cool down. And when they're ready to talk, I'm here. Always. I did that for DM once. And it turned out to be a good night. Now that I think of it, maybe they aren't flaws after all :)

-

I just re-read some old conversations on Skype chat between DM and I. Laughed my ass off for 15 minutes straight. Hahahahahaha. I'm such a dork sometimes :)

-

Anyways, like I said, less writing on here. Sometimes, I think I share too much.

In The Days Still Left

What a decent day. I'm not jittery at all. In fact, I'm calm and mellow and in an overall good mood. I went out with MK and Mom for a bit. Met Dad for lunch. Got home just in time for the furniture guys to deliver the new couch.

I spent the rest of the day cleaning my room. It took me around 6 hours. Damn. I know I really should not be saying this, but, it was kinda gross. But now, it's immaculate. I dusted everything (with sneezing fits to follow). Everything is soooo clean! Typical girl's room. Haha. Minus the Bruins pictures and Red Sox Championship pennant. Tomorrow, I just need to vacuum. I even made my bed. Which makes me hate my comforter since I've had it for years.

-

Anyways, after last night, and after sneaking up to my room after almost getting caught, I wrote in my diary. The real one. This site is pretty close to being a diary but it's not the same. So, anyways, I pulled out my diary, which I haven't written in since August (the month of hell, remember?) I actually reread my old entries from August. I really shouldn't have but I did. It seemed like so long ago.

But I wrote in my diary, to my diary. Like all girls do. They start with "Dear Diary," Lol. I know I'm going to regret this but... basically the entry was full of "He was like" "And then I was like" "And he was like" "So, I was like". HAHAHAHAHA. I can't help it. (facepalm) I took a picture of it for proof and obviously edited it. And I know no one even knows my physical diary exists. I usually hide some place different in my room every day.

-

But anyways, a decent day. I did skip school today and I'm skipping tomorrow but I am emailing my homework to my professors AND I have an A in both classes. So, I'm not too worried.

-

Overall, good mood. I'm calm and not jumping to conclusions anymore. Everyone I have ever known has told me at least once to "loosen up". So, yes, I'm trying to loosen up. Trying.

Ring Pops And Candy Necklaces

So, this is what DM meant by "too much time on my hands". Well, today, I was planning to take the train to Braintree to fill out paper applications, rain or shine, because it's actually raining right now.

-

Last night. What happened last night.... Well, it was a mixed drink of emotions, stress, anxiety, and insecurity. I feel very embarrassed about the crying. I'm past the point where I don't mind opening up but crying was too much. I'll never let that side of me resurface again. But by the end of the night, I was laughing and I was grateful. I went to sleep happy.

-

It's hard to keep myself busy these days. I would hang out with KC but I need a break from her. Without a car and money, there't not much to do. I'm almost done with my research paper for English though. I'm not trying to be hermit but i just need time to myself and sort out what I need to do with my life. There's one thing I do know: I need to move out. Get my own place. If I get the WorldAPP job, I can have my own place before my 21st birthday. That would make me so happy. No rules, no boundaries. Pure freedom.

AND great news: I got an interview!!! So excited!

-

I just wrote two long paragraphs about my "type" and how I'm a low maintenance girl. But I erased it. Too much information :)

-

I'm keeping myself busy for a few hours. I'm working on my room and homework at the same time. I'm still listening to my sister's advice. Which seems to be working. I'm trying to be optimistic today. I'm not jumping to conclusions, not tonight at least. I really hope it's just me and my sister when we hang out tomorrow. I don't want my mom to come with us. MK and I are overdue for a long sister-to-sister talk.

-

Well, I have to get back to being "busy". I built a fire in the fireplace and it's stifling in here. Adios.

--update--

Decent night. Kept busy. Listening to music. Chill chill chill :) Tomorrow I'm spending time with my sis. We'll be out for some of the day, so I look forward to that. Alrighty, back to the real world :)

On The Other Side of The World.

Dear Susan,

Hi. I miss you. Even though I can't remember you, I miss you with all my heart. I don't dream about you enough. Maybe once or twice a year. I miss seeing your face in my dreams. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you.

Mom, you know what i aim to be? I aim to be as strong as you. You are the strongest person I know and I will love you forever for that. I'm so so sorry if I'm letting you down right now. It's the last thing I want to do. Believe me, Mom, I'm trying.

I think at this moment, you would be a bit proud because I am becoming strong like you. Your love was strong and fierce on that Thursday in March. Did I cry when you put me in a stranger's arms? Did you cry too? When you walked away from your crying newborn, did you look back?

I wish you were here, with me. I wish we could spend time together. I could show you Boston. You would love it. It's a beautiful city. I wish we could do regular mother/daughter things like go shopping or get our nails done together. It's the little things I want. I want to relive all of my childhood memories with you. I wished that you could have walked me to school and drop me off at the classroom door when I was in Kindergarten. I wish you held my hand as we crossed the street. I wish you could have pulled out the splinters I used to get from playing outside. I wish you could gently place a band-aid on my skinned knees when my dog dragged me on the pavement. I wish we had done a lot of things together. But I'm still young, and I know you are too. And there's still time. I'll do everything in my power to find you. Because I miss you and the waiting is killing me.

Mom, I think about your strength and love every single day. I'm working hard so that your decision was worth it. I will not let you down, I promise. You will not be disappointed, I will make sure of it.

I think about you. A lot. I think about the little things like if you're having a bad day at work, if you went to the market for ingredients for dinner, or if you went to bed early because you were tired. I often wonder if you had other children. If you did, they're awfully lucky to have you in their lives. I would give anything to be able to just give you a hug and thank you.

Thank you for giving me a chance at a good life. I love you. So much.

Love,

Molly

Life Is A Beach- I'm Just Playin' In The Sand

I feel hilarious tonight. Like, I could laugh all night long. By myself. One time, I told DM that i could laugh at a wall. And you know what? It's kinda true. I told KC what I said and she was all "Wait, you told him what??" Some things just slip out, you know? And here's the thing (I know I say that a lot), I did a LOT of thinking today. And I'm going to listen to my silly little mottos, advice, and mantras. Life is fucking short, dude. So, from this point on, I'm not going to be afraid. Fear is nothing but a big, scary bully. It makes you second guess things. It really has no power. So, yeah, fuck fear. It only holds you back.

-

Jesus, I'm laughing right now. This is not right. Goddamnit, I'm worried for myself. It's probably because i keep finding these hilarious pictures and whatnot and I cannot stop laughing and i'm listening to Lil Wayne and some other mainstream music on my computer.

I'm officially calling this song as the song of the night. Because, well, because. It's always been one of my faves.

This is me ranting and blabbing because you know what? I've had too much caffeine and I'm awake and just a wee bit hyper. So, really, I can joke and I can listen. That's one of the things i love about myself (don't mean to sound cocky); No matter what mood I'm in, I can literally talk about anything. Death, sex, television, sex, life, diets, sex, the past, sex, the future, sex, loss, sex, family, sex, friends, sex, etc. Just kidding. I really don't talk about sex. That much.

I think it's a Pisces thing, you know? If I'm happy and you're bummed out, I'll listen. There's always tomorrow. I'll just be hyper tomorrow. Like, hey, there's orange soda and candy. The world ain't so bad. Did I really just say "ain't"? I never say ain't. But i just did. Wow.

Can you really blame me? I had a slow day. I'm definitely a night person. I'm rarely tired.

But anyways, this rant is going nowhere. Maybe I could talk about how I'd like to return that damn Blender Ball Bottle to GNC so that I can get a new one that isn't broken.

You know, normally, I write really thoughtful and sometimes depressing posts. So, this is just fun. It's a very unnecessary post. It's nice to write something with barely any emotion.

I know I kind of sound horny, but I'm really not. Not tonight at least. I'm just in one of the weirdest and funnest (is that even a word?) moods. One of those "Hey, life is good." Kind of moods. I don't sound very convincing. Not horny. Just in a weird sexual mood. Wow, that sounds wrong. Um, nevermind.

I would like to dedicate tonight's mood to my sister. She's awesome. She knows almost everything about everything. So, yeah, cool. I'm just really playful tonight.

This is my 4 posts in one fucking day. I cannot feel my fingers. It's a good feeling. I would never complain about writing too much. I love it too much. Writing's my passion. It's my fucking air. I lovelovelove it.

Deepest apologies for one of the longest and most unnecessary posts I have ever written. But i do feel so much better after writing it, not that I didn't feel good when I started. But anyways...

Women Are Good For 70 Things: Making Sandwiches And 69.

The difference between now and maybe 4 hours ago? I basically did a 180. I was literally laughing my ass off 5 minutes ago. God, I'm easily entertained.

But right now, at this very moment, I'm listening to good music. And nothing but happy thoughts come from good music. :)

I read some Pisces facts on Twitter, since I am a Pisces after all :) I definitely believe in all that astrology shit. Some of the facts were just hilarious. Some were serious and true and got me thinking. I think that's why I'm in a better mood now. After reading them, I'm realizing a few things about myself. Like, um...

"It's not that Pisces are insecure. They just don't like to hear bad news." -very true

"Pisces is the last sign in the Zodiac wheel and is considered to be the most evolved of all of the signs." -I like to think so.

"Pisces are the sign of holding it all in and going it alone." -not good but still true

"Pisces can be unpredictable, indecisive, flighty, and restless." -a huge flaw

"Pisces take the advice from people too much to heart." -a flaw

"When hyper, a Pisces will talk your head off." -so true

"Pisces have a protective instinct and are vulnerable to excessive humor." -too true

"Pisces need other people to keep them grounded and on the right track." -true

"Pisces are always known to give it a little more thought." -so me

"Pisces are known for putting on a good show." -very very true

I never realized that I was such a typical Pisces.

Me in a nutshell?

I like to listen to other people and offer as much support as I can. I'm a dreamer and a wishful thinker. I'm an optimist on my best days. I'm indecisive. I hate repeating myself. I'm poetic. I can spot a liar from a mile away. I have a creative mind and a big imagination. Good music can put me in a better mood. I read between the lines. I can see through people's acts. I'm empathetic. I'm patient in most cases.

Typical Pisces = Me :)

I had a lovely chat with MK today since we didn't get to talk last night when she slept over. She's a great listener.

It was a good wake up call. The kind of wake up call that has mellowed me out completely. Today was kind of shitty but I'm okay now. And I'm not just saying that. I. Am. Okay. Sometimes, I do put on a show. But here, I don't. This is one of the few places where I can just let it all out.

Three posts in one day? Yeah, crazy, isn't it? My fingers hurt from typing. My mind is crystal clear. Nothing cloudy. I can think clearly now. My feet are firm on the ground and I'm all set.

I'm good. I've got my music and yeah, it's all good. :D

One of my fave songs. Never gets old. :) <<< Clickity click it!

It's Not A Question, But A Lesson Learned In Time

Yesterday was just a weird day. I woke up and I just didn't feel right. I went through the motions though. Woke up, ate, cleaned, etc. I watched the Bruins game and wrote for a long time.

I forgot my mantra last night. I forgot to tell myself that there's always tomorrow and tomorrow is a new day.

Today, I need to keep busy. Today, music is my worst enemy. Today, there are too many thoughts racing through my mind. Like school, a job, my pets that depend on me even though I'm broke, my family drama, my parents. So many fucking things that I shouldn't have to worry about but I do. And I don't know why I couldn't talk about it last night. I couldn't find the words to describe what was going on in my head. To be honest, sometimes, I just can't find the right words to say.

All I could think was "What if?" What if my brother never went out to drink that night? I'd be at a 4 year college. What if my sister hadn't gotten married? I'd be living in Florida. What if I hadn't quit my job? I wouldn't be fighting with my parents as much. What if Bernadette had never left? She's still be alive today. What if I had checked on Dutch earlier? He might have been alive today. What if LM didn't have her disease? Our relationship would probably be better. What if my nephew wasn't born? Well, my brother and his ex would still be together.

What if??? What if I wasn't adopted? I'd be living in one of the poorest, polluted cities in the world. What if I hadn't met Mona? I'd probably still hate myself. What if I hadn't met Jacob? I'd probably still dislike God. What if I hadn't met Chris? I probably would have given up on my dreams by now.

In most cases, everything happens for a reason. Most cases. But Bernadette wasn't supposed to die. Dutch was not supposed to die. Those people were not supposed to leave. My nephew wasn't really supposed to be born. RR was a sister to me and she's not supposed to be gone.

So, does everything happen for a reason? No. Sure, it makes us stronger. It makes us weak to let us know how human we are. It makes us more aware. But not everything happens for a reason. Some things just happen. Shit happens. Unfortunately.

It was supposed to be me and my sister in Florida. I was supposed to go to a 4 year college. Bernadette should be alive but she's not. RR should be here, hanging out with TK in front of the t.v.

My life, at this very moment, should not be like this. I know life is unfair and that I should roll with the punches, but I also know that I deserve none of this. I like to think I'm a good person. So, I'm sitting here, pondering the meaning of life and why the hell I have suffered an alarming amount of misfortunes and unfortunate events?

Tellmetellmetellme why the bad things happen. I want a fucking reason for all of this. Tell me why she died. Tell me why TK fucked up. Tell me why MK moved on without me for something better. Tell me why my cousin was diagnosed with an incurable disease. Tell me why I can never say what I'm feeling or thinking but when I write, it comes out perfectly. Tell me why I have a knack for fucking things up at the right moment.

Tell me why this is my life.

Airplane, Airplane, Sorry I'm Late.

Mona, Gisela, Jacob, and Chris. Four people who changed my life. How? They were strangers who turned into friends. And each of them taught me a lesson before passing through. Lessons I'll never forget. They're people I'll never forget. I think of them from time to time.

Mona taught me that love knows no limits and sometimes, in order to find yourself, you need to escape the place you feel safest.

Gisela taught me that inner beauty is what matters. She also taught me that life is too short to worry about the small things.

Jacob taught me that there's enough of God's love to go around. That God does not judge and will alwaysalwaysalways forgive.

Chris taught me that all dreams are possible, no matter how big or small. He taught me that comparing myself to other people won't do me any good. As long as I'm good enough for myself.

They meant to enter my life, I just know it. They did what they were sent to do, and then they left. Is it sad? I guess it's just bittersweet, you know? I vividly remember having coffee and reading magazines with Gisela on the pier in the morning. We laughed all day.

I remember when I started noticing the "pattern", and I would cry and beg God to let these people stay. I would always say "Please, not this one. Not this time."

All four of those people meant something to me. They each pulled me through a different stage in my life. And they'd leave. And I'd cry again and say "What are you doing? No! I need them! Fucking stop it!"

I miss Mona the most. I met her when I was 17. I was lost and confused and she told me everything real. She told me that I will belong somewhere someday. She told me that I needed to escape. She told me that it will get better.

She would be proud if she saw me today. That's what I keep telling myself. Jacob and Chris would be too. And if Gisela were here, she'd still tell me to "lighten up, Molly!" I miss her voice and her Hispanic accent. I miss Jacob's words of wisdom. I miss all of them so much. I hope they haven't forgotten me.

I'm still learning these lessons, so I'm confused as to why they're gone. Aren't they supposed to stay until I finally get it? Like, when their job is done, they leave? But they left before even seeing the finished product, the improved me.

These people didn't just say good-bye. They never officially left. Mona lost contact. Gisela's phone number got disconnected and she doesn't do the social networking thing. Jacob and Chris lost contact too.

I truly believe in this pattern and it sucks. I'm going to break the cycle if it's the last thing I do.

So, Mona, Gisela, Jacob, and Chris, thank you for the changes you made in my life. I'm stronger and bolder because of all of you. I see things in a different light now. I cannot thank you enough for molding me into the person I am today. I will never ever forget you and I think of you every single day.

Maybe one day, if fate should roll its dice, our paths will cross again.

Still Waiting For A Good Day

I didn't fall asleep until around 5am. Major fail.

This is one of the rare times where I have just have no words. Am I calmed down? Yes, thank God. I'm not viewing this as a setback of any sort.

I know I have flaws and they're fixable. I know 2012 is going to be a big year for me. There will be a lot of change, both good and bad. I hope to be out of my parents' house for sure. But in general, I'm just going to change. I already have a head start.

I want to be the type of person I never had. I don't know if that makes any sense. I went through the majority of my painful journey alone. No one to go to or talk to. I never want anyone to go through their journey alone. And I used to have people there for me, I guess. But when they saw my weakness and my pain and my humanity, they left. They gave up on me. And right now, I'm not giving up on anyone.

-

I'm an optimist, I think. I always try to find a bright side in any dark situation. I think my optimism is what's pulling me through. I've seen two parts of my journey: Breaking myself down and building myself up again. I'm almost done with the breaking down part. Next year, it is a fresh start.

Last night, I felt like I was at square one. Maybe I still am. But the difference is that when I was really back at square one, I was in a dark place. And now, if I am at square one again, I'm looking up. Everything is looking up.

People have failed me but that does not mean I have lost faith. I have hope and faith and strength and dreams. I know there is a whole beautiful world outside of Quincy and beyond Boston. I'm going to see it.

I cannot explain it any further. I am really not a complex person. I'm straightforward in general. but it's a rare occurrence when I am at a loss for words.

Let's put it this way. I just need to breathe. I need to take things for what they are and not for what I want them to be. I reallyreallyreally need to stop fucking over-analyzing. I just need to think with a clear mind. That's all.

I have hope. And it's all I need right now.

Taking Ashes From the Floor

On bad days, I pretend to be happy, not to be fake, but so that no one worries.

Clickable links:

Dear Mom and Dad

Dear MK

I'm Rockin', I'm Rollin'

I found something else to relieve stress, something to replace the simultaneous crying and smoking. It's running. I'm going to run further and faster every day. I'm not an adrenaline junkie at all, but I'm becoming obsessed with the rush it gives me.

My mother's been driving me insane today. I know I'm supposed to be staying under the radar, but I couldn't resist it today. My headphones are nothing special, but they're loud. And what's Mom's least favorite kind of music? Hip hop. She fucking hates it. So, I decided to push her buttons. I blasted music on my iPod and she tried to turn her radio up in the car. She hates swears with a passion. WIN.

And you know, I know it's undesirable trait for someone to have a terrible relationship with parents. But you gotta understand that it goes way back with me and my parents. It's just not going to happen.

-

Two nights ago, I was in the shittiest mood. And normally I can hide it. And last night, I was just mellowing out. But then the stupid shit with KC set me off and that kinda just did it for me. And today, I'm fine. Perfectly fine.

Today, I worked out and ran for a bit. I feel great. My goal was actually to work off the shitty lunch I had. So, I'm content now.

-

Final verdict? Not listening to anyone. If anything, I'm listening to my sister. I'm cool, calm, and collected. Totally chill. End of story.

-

I'm in a playful mood tonight. I'm heading out in a bit to avoid an extremely uncomfortable family dinner.

As My Train Rolls Down The East Coast

You were meant to walk with other people,

to invite other characters to play parts in your story.

-Jamie Tworkowski

I'm not really a fan of change. And who really is? Change is an inevitable force. Change is painful and new and uncomfortable.

It's painful because you're like "This can't be my life now." I wake up and it's kind of like a smack in the face. I'm habitual. I like what I'm used to. I don't like having to spend time getting used to "the new". It's like you have to start all over again. You have to learn how to do things all over again.

I've tried embracing change. It didn't work out too well. But I tried. I don't embrace it but I'm slowly accepting it. I'm learning that things don't come easily to me anymore.

My past and my pain and my journey has not hardened me or made me cold. Yes, I am stronger now because of what I went through, but I have not grown cold or harsh. In fact, I'm a little softer. I'm more accepting. After feeling the pain I've felt, I've turned into a better person. A little scarred but it is what it is. And that's my new thing: It is what it is.

Even when shitty things happen, I believe that everything happens for a reason. Tragedies happen for a reason. Romances happen for a reason. Mistakes happen for a reason. People enter your life for a reason. Everything has reason. Sometimes, like now, we don't know what those reasons are. So, we stick around to find out.

And honestly, I think we stick around and stick it out to see how strong we can really be. As much as I hate change, I'm still here. I want to see how long I can last in this "new life". I want to see how long I can keep telling myself that things will get better. I'm sticking around because maybe, just maybe something amazing might happen.

Life is unpredictable in some of the best ways. Sure, things change. I learned it firsthand in some of the hardest ways. I've had everything taken away from me in a flash. But what am I doing about it now? Now, I'm making the best of what I've got. And I'm doing everything in my power to get it all back. I'm working for the things I once had. I want it back.

I think I've been through enough pain to deserve some happiness. Too many people have hurt me. Too many things have been taken away from me. Too much pain for one girl, right? No one deserves this. I would never wish this kind of pain on anyone. It's too strong and sharp and powerful.

I cannot believe I am here. I cannot believe I'm here, making my way to the end. I did all of this alone. I put one foot in front of the other. No one cheered me on. No one told me it would be okay. Nobody knew.

Oh Boston, You're My Home

I retyped this in a Boston accent because... well yeah. :)

I promise I'm not bipolah. I don't have crazy mood swings. But a lot can happen in a day. I'm okay. I'm just cooling down. I'm calm.

I'm a funky mood tonight. Like, a bit feisty. I'm just rollin' with the punches tonight. I'm listening to some really good music. According to everyone I know, I listen to terrible music. So, yeah, I've been listening to some terrible music tonight :)

My nose is cold. My parents are giving my siblings things they need for Christmas. So, MK and KH are getting a new dryah lol. And TK is getting a pair of tye-ahz for his truck. What do I want or need? I need a new battery for my laptop and a headset. And I would lovelovelove a gift cahd to American Eagle and PetSmaht.

When I was a kid, I used to ask for a ton of things. But now, I'm simple when it comes to Christmas.

-

I REALLY hope I'm employed before Christmas. That would make me so fucking happy. You have no idea.

Whatever. My mind is everywheaaa. I'm feisty.

Let. Me. Breathe.

I just got home. I did cool down a bit. I went out with KC. We watched the sun set behind the Boston skyline. It was actually pretty beautiful. We talked about a lot of things. Guys, family, friends, money, etc. Then we chilled at her house to warm up. It's below freezing here. Fucking cold. Then we headed back to the beach.

The sky was so clear. We could see all of the stars. And... wait for it.... I saw a shooting star. I've never seen one until tonight. And then she saw one too. We both made a wish.

I'll admit that I'm still upset. But I'm listening to music now. I've got a good playlist going. Some songs are just mushy love songs, but that's not the point. I just need good, mellow music. Good lyrics and good beats. Whatever. Something to lift my mood.

Clickable Links:

"Fly" by Nicki Minaj feat. Rihanna

"Where Are You Going" by Dave Matthews Band

"No Sleep" by Wiz Khalifa

"Club Can't Handle Me" by Flo Rida

"Super Bass" by Nicki Minaj

"Stereo Hearts" by Gym Class Heroes

"Romance Is" by LIGHTS

"Pretend" by LIGHTS

"Beautiful" by Eminem

"It Girl" by Jason Derulo

Defense Is Paper Thin

"Sometimes, the saddest people have the prettiest smiles."

"We all have our past. We all have our pain. We will all know ghosts from time to time.

But if our life is like a building, then we should open our doors to let some people see inside.

And into our darkest places - into those rooms that hold our fears and dreams - we will begin to walk together. Friends with hope like candles, telling ghosts to go."

-Jamie Tworkowski

Everyone has their "off" days. Today is mine. I know I said I found her. But I was in the moment. I was a bit wired, a bit ecstatic, and a bit all over the place. Let's just say, she's in sight. I see the end of my tunnel. My journey of pain. It's almost over but that doesn't mean it's over soon. It's a long journey. A journey of pain and loss is a long one. Sometimes, to me, I thought it would never end. I had no friends, no close family, nothing. But I had one thing. Hope. Hope is a very powerful thing and I thank it every day when I wake up. It's why I'm here and I'm pulling myself together.

-

But today just feels weird to me. Like I'm not here. I don't know. Fuck. I'm just trying to stay under the radar. My parents despise me enough. I don't want to give them another reason. Are the walls really that thin? Is hearing my laughter so fucking terrible? Fuck them. And fuck everything they've done. Fuck the things they didn't say to me. I'm moving out next spring. I'm leaving and never looking back.

I remember when I went to the University of Phoenix and when I told my dad that I wanted to leave because it wasn't challenging. And you know what he said to me? "Good. I was too embarrassed to tell people where you went to school." God, I fucking tried. I'm sorry I was never good enough. After a year of working, I went back to school. A lot of people who "take a year off" usually don't go back. But I did. And it wasn't enough. Apparently. And I get teased about going to community college. I didn't choose it. I go there because your son can't pay his fucking child support, so now you have to pay half of it. Your fucking son just couldn't keep it in his pants and now I'm suffering for it. Thank you very fucking much.

And you know what else sucks? They hatehatehate when I'm happy. I'll enter a room, ask them how their day was and they go "Did you find a job yet? Molly, what are you going to do?" Jesus Christ. I cannot win. My day was great, thanks for asking. Fuckfuckfuck.

I think I've been so happy for the past two weeks that I've just pushed back all of my problems. It wasn't on purpose. I was just busy. And now it's like a ton of bricks has been dropped on my chest. Now, everything is winding down and the pain is returning.

It's a different kind of pain now. In August, it felt like my self-esteem and confidence was shattered in a million pieces. And now, the pain is just dull. It aches. It's not sharp. But I still feel it and I want it gone. I want the pain gone forever and it's up to me to get rid of it.

I hatehatehate reading old posts. Why? Because I'm afraid I'll go back to feeling those feelings. I'm afraid of the girl I was in August, the month of hell. I will never let myself become that girl ever again. I will never feel that way again.

You know, I'm just tired. I'm tired of fighting for what I actually deserve. Do I want to give up? Not one bit. But I'm just exhausted. This battle of mine is just... draining. This battle has given me so many scars but at the same time, so much strength. I'm not giving up. I have hope and faith and people who expect me to pull through.

Am I damaged? Sure. Everyone is damaged in some way, big or small. But that's what makes us human. No one goes through life unscathed. We all have stories and scars and fears and dreams and that's what makes us more beautiful. Cheesy? Sure. But it's so true.

And those stories? Some are sad and funny and angry and terrifying and happy and exhilarating. We all have a story. Each story matters. No story is too dull or too exciting. No story is not worth hearing.

My story? It's a bit of everything. Because of the people who have passed through and the people who decided to stay, my story is a bittersweet tragedy. For now, at least. If you knew my story, you might think twice about everything. About life and loss and love and tragedy and struggle. Now that I think of it, my story is full of confusion and loss and struggles.

My mind is in so many places today. Not good places. And I'm trying so hard to pull myself together. Most days, I can. But today is different and I don't know why. I keep trying to tell myself that I've gotten this far and to just keep moving. Why can't I take my own advice? Normally, I do. But today, no.

I get in trouble for doing nothing or the simplest things. I can't be in my room too long. I can't talk loud. I can't do anything right. I need to get the fuck out of here. I need to get the fuck out of Quincy and away from Boston. For a little while. Maybe England. Or California. Or Oregon. Or Florida. Or New Hampshire. Anywhere but here.

I'm just going to ignore my parents. I'll do what I can to not get my ass kicked out before I find a job.

-

My final words?

We're only human. We are flawed. We are damaged. We are weak and strong at the same time. We must always have hope. We must accept our flaws; they make us who we are. We all have scars. They remind us of our strength. Flaws and scars and damage. It's okay.

What A Day To Be Alive

Although I am learning to love my life now, I am not fully healed. The pain I went through for the past 2 years was excruciating. And you know, this shit takes time. A long time.

And what do we have after we've healed? Scars. We all have scars. To remind us of the pain we endured. To remind us of how weak we felt and how strong we really were. These scars remind us of the people who hurt us and the people who stayed by your side through it all.

Who was by my side? No one. And at the time, I thought it was shittiest feeling in the world. I had no one to turn to. In 2009, when it started, I had LM. She was on the phone with me as I lay on my bedroom floor crying. The pain was new and raw and uncomfortable. From there, it escalated. It was like a very slow car crash. I couldn't do anything to stop it. All I could was watch.

So, I am healing. And smiling. Why? Because life is short. And right now, I am so out of my element. I am so uncomfortable. But in a good way. If there's one thing I hate, it is change. I hate it because it means that I have to get used to things all over again. I'm a habitual person. I always have been.

But I'm starting fresh. And change is inevitable right now.

Like, I'm a whole different person than the person I was just yesterday. And last week. And last month. I change constantly because of current events, new changes, and new people. The last time I went to bed at 9 am was... never. The latest I went to bed before that was 6 am and that was middle school. Because of my skin color, I honestly did not know I had the physical ability to fucking blush.

Anyways, life is becoming good. Very slowly. I'm starting to see beauty in everything again. I'm beginning to love the things I lost interest in. And I'm beginning to care about and love myself again. Didn't think it would ever happen. After this past August, I never thought I'd be sitting here writing this.

I just never thought I'd be here, you know? When I was 13 and throwing tantrums around my house, I never thought I'd be here, writing a blog about my journey beyond depression, self-hate, friendship, family, and daily struggles.

But I'm here. I'm doing what I can with what I have. Although my past is my past, I will look back from time to time to remind myself how far I've come. I've come far. It feels good to finally say that.

PS: I'm almost positive that next week will give me a pure taste of hell. But I'll be alright. I'll smile. Because I survived.

This Is My Story

And here are the characters:

KC: the "let's get Molly out of her safe zone" friend

FJ: the "let's go crazy because we're only young once" friend

RB: my Ivy League cousin

LM: the "I'm better than you" cousin

TK: the older brother

MK: my "Mama Lion" older sister who practically raised me

WV: the guy friend that I've known for years and have never met

DV: a good friend from high school

WC: another guy friend

KH: the brother-in-law

DM: the "Eye-Ah-Woah-Knee-In" guy friend that I'm still getting to know better

Do you have a story? I do. It's a love story. A different kind of love story. A love story between me and the cards I've been dealt. A love story between me and my life. A love story between me and my pain. A love story between me and my flaws. A love story between me and myself. The people in your life do not have any say in your story. They do not direct you in any direction. Only you have that power.

Only you have the power to move on. Only you can delete a character from your story. Only you make the important decisions. Move out. Move on. And move forward. I'm not saying never look back. Sometimes, you have to look back in order learn from your mistakes. Only you can choose and write the ending to the story. No one else.

You can't be stagnant. You can't just stay in one spot. Put one foot in front of the other. You cannot heal unless you move.

I've gotten my sleep. I'm awake and alert. This is not me being overtired. And delirious. Just me. My mind is clear.

Like An Ocean

I take that back.

How was today? A mixture of frustration, impatience, laughter, smiles, and everything in between. A bit of insecurity, hope, and confidence all bundled into one day.

Every day is a struggle. A horrific but beautiful struggle that I simply cannot describe. Every fucking day, I wake up. I drag myself out of bed and try to find something to look forward to. But I can't.

I can't find a thing. And then it hits me. There are people waiting for me at the end of the tunnel, at the end of my darkness, waiting for me. Waiting to pat me on the back and say "Hey, you did it. You made it out. You survived. And we are proud." Cheesy? Whatever. It's true.

Sometimes, it takes one word, one action, one person, to change a person's perspective on life. For the better. Sometimes, that one word, action, or person, is your key to emotional survival. Deep? Strong? Yeah. But when it's all you have to hold onto, it's all you need.

I never ever ever want to feel the way i felt in July/August. That was one of the lowest points in my life. I will never tell myself those mean thoughts ever again. How could I have been so stupid? Why did I ever listen to that voice inside my head?

I'm not Wonder Woman. I am not invincible. But I am stronger than the person I used to be. I'm more confident. A bit more secure. A bit more reckless. A bit more out there. A bit more human. A bit more independent. A bit more well-rounded. A bit more serious. A bit more playful. A bit more me.

So, have I found myself yet? That girl I used to write about? The girl in bright colors? The girl who laughs at walls? The girl who walks recklessly around the dangerous parts of Boston? Yeah, she's here. Inside me. I found her. She was lost. And scared. And I told her it would be alright.

I found her. Not fully. But she's found. And safe.

We'll be alright. I'm finding myself again because I'm learning that life is so uncomfortably unpredictable. Life is hard and beautiful. It is harmful and healing at the same time. People come into your life to change it. Sometimes they leave. Sometimes they stay. Either way, you are forever changed. No matter what, life is worth it. And I never would have said this a few months ago, because I didn't want to live anymore. But life is just... something you need to experience before you decide to let go of it.

-

I'll write about D in a week or two. Don't wanna make him too famous. Haha.

-

Everything takes time. No matter what it is. Beauty takes time. Security takes time. Friendships take time. Healing takes time. Pain takes time. A small, simple crush takes time, to grow or to fade. Learning takes time. Adventures make time. I am young. And optimistic. And if I need more time, I will make time. I will find time.

Time is sometimes the fuel that keeps us motivated to strive for something more.

Sometimes, You Have To Be Your Own Hero.

I won't be on here for a while. That's all.

Fuck It And Just Live.

Wow, I never really post more than once in a day. I guess I have a lot going on. I never realized it until now.

My parents are home from their vacation. Everything's back to normal. My dad is back to ignoring me. My mother is back to being a bitch. Really? She's been home for less than an hour and she has already jumped down my throat once. I don't know how much more of this I can take. That woman has made me cry so many times. It's ridiculous. She's suffocating me.

I want to be a better person. I want to be happy and whatever. I want to escape and see the world. I want to do all these wonderful things and these two assholes are dragging me down. I'm trying to ignore their words. I'm trying to ignore their actions. Thanks to them and my brother, this house is hardly a home. Do I sound like a child? Yes. Can you blame me? No. My parents are just not nice. They are so judgmental and whatnot.

I can't find myself here. I can't learn to love life again, here. I can't do anything here. This environment is just so negative. Fuck.

This week was a blast. I loved every minute of it. And then they come home. And it's just hell again. I want to rewind my life back to a few days ago.

-

I couldn't tell you how excited I am to be doing nothing this week. I've been in Boston almost every night last week. I just want to relax. Inhale. Exhale.

PS: My sister said that no matter how old I am, I'll always have the laugh of a 5 year old. Haha.

This Isn't Me

I've finally caught up on my sleep. I've been out almost every night this week. Between that and being on the phone, my throat started to hurt. So glad I'm not going out tonight.

Tonight, I'm going to get back to my stories. I'm going to get back to writing poetry. I need time to just think and sort out the thoughts in my head.

I don't think I'm going to focus on school right away. I want to work for my cousin's company. They hire people without degrees and they get good money. With money, I can do almost anything. I can buy whatever, do whatever, and go wherever. I can finally escape this hell hole of a city. I can go to England or L.A. or Key West, anywhere. Just anywhere but here.

-

I know I have more fears than the average 20 year old girl. I'll admit it right away. Some are irrational like the dark and slugs. But the others are just because I'm human.

I'm petrified of being forgotten. Yet, it has happened to me so many times that I've lost count. It hurts, you know? And I'm going to say this in the most sensitive manner possible: I'm always scared when people say "no" to me. Like, "Can you help me with my diet?" "Do you like me?" "Can I come with you?" "Can I retake this test?" "Was I invited?" Questions like that. I never ask those questions. Ever.

-

Sorry, my mind is everywhere.

-

Watch me as I build my walls higher. Watch me as I shut everyone out. Watch me as I become superficial. Watch me change. L doesn't care. She never cared. M cares but not enough. She knows about my fortress. But she doesn't know how to deal with it and I'm glad. I think, I build these walls of protection because I'm scared that if I let people in, they'll know the real me and they won't like it. I might scare them away.

-

I'm still working on finding myself. Improving myself. I'm so young. I have my whole life ahead of me. There's so much I want to do. There's so many places I want to visit. I don't want to waste my life here, in this tiny neighborhood full of clones.

So, here's my plan (and I'm actually going to follow it this time):

1. Job

2. License

3. Apartment with K

A simple and short list.

Life is too beautiful to not really experience it. Life is beautiful but so very difficult.