How was today? A mixture of frustration, impatience, laughter, smiles, and everything in between. A bit of insecurity, hope, and confidence all bundled into one day.
Every day is a struggle. A horrific but beautiful struggle that I simply cannot describe. Every fucking day, I wake up. I drag myself out of bed and try to find something to look forward to. But I can't.
I can't find a thing. And then it hits me. There are people waiting for me at the end of the tunnel, at the end of my darkness, waiting for me. Waiting to pat me on the back and say "Hey, you did it. You made it out. You survived. And we are proud." Cheesy? Whatever. It's true.
Sometimes, it takes one word, one action, one person, to change a person's perspective on life. For the better. Sometimes, that one word, action, or person, is your key to emotional survival. Deep? Strong? Yeah. But when it's all you have to hold onto, it's all you need.
I never ever ever want to feel the way i felt in July/August. That was one of the lowest points in my life. I will never tell myself those mean thoughts ever again. How could I have been so stupid? Why did I ever listen to that voice inside my head?
I'm not Wonder Woman. I am not invincible. But I am stronger than the person I used to be. I'm more confident. A bit more secure. A bit more reckless. A bit more out there. A bit more human. A bit more independent. A bit more well-rounded. A bit more serious. A bit more playful. A bit more me.
So, have I found myself yet? That girl I used to write about? The girl in bright colors? The girl who laughs at walls? The girl who walks recklessly around the dangerous parts of Boston? Yeah, she's here. Inside me. I found her. She was lost. And scared. And I told her it would be alright.
I found her. Not fully. But she's found. And safe.
We'll be alright. I'm finding myself again because I'm learning that life is so uncomfortably unpredictable. Life is hard and beautiful. It is harmful and healing at the same time. People come into your life to change it. Sometimes they leave. Sometimes they stay. Either way, you are forever changed. No matter what, life is worth it. And I never would have said this a few months ago, because I didn't want to live anymore. But life is just... something you need to experience before you decide to let go of it.
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I'll write about D in a week or two. Don't wanna make him too famous. Haha.
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Everything takes time. No matter what it is. Beauty takes time. Security takes time. Friendships take time. Healing takes time. Pain takes time. A small, simple crush takes time, to grow or to fade. Learning takes time. Adventures make time. I am young. And optimistic. And if I need more time, I will make time. I will find time.
Time is sometimes the fuel that keeps us motivated to strive for something more.
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