This is one of the rare times where I have just have no words. Am I calmed down? Yes, thank God. I'm not viewing this as a setback of any sort.
I know I have flaws and they're fixable. I know 2012 is going to be a big year for me. There will be a lot of change, both good and bad. I hope to be out of my parents' house for sure. But in general, I'm just going to change. I already have a head start.
I want to be the type of person I never had. I don't know if that makes any sense. I went through the majority of my painful journey alone. No one to go to or talk to. I never want anyone to go through their journey alone. And I used to have people there for me, I guess. But when they saw my weakness and my pain and my humanity, they left. They gave up on me. And right now, I'm not giving up on anyone.
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I'm an optimist, I think. I always try to find a bright side in any dark situation. I think my optimism is what's pulling me through. I've seen two parts of my journey: Breaking myself down and building myself up again. I'm almost done with the breaking down part. Next year, it is a fresh start.
Last night, I felt like I was at square one. Maybe I still am. But the difference is that when I was really back at square one, I was in a dark place. And now, if I am at square one again, I'm looking up. Everything is looking up.
People have failed me but that does not mean I have lost faith. I have hope and faith and strength and dreams. I know there is a whole beautiful world outside of Quincy and beyond Boston. I'm going to see it.
I cannot explain it any further. I am really not a complex person. I'm straightforward in general. but it's a rare occurrence when I am at a loss for words.
Let's put it this way. I just need to breathe. I need to take things for what they are and not for what I want them to be. I reallyreallyreally need to stop fucking over-analyzing. I just need to think with a clear mind. That's all.
I have hope. And it's all I need right now.
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