This Isn't Me

I've finally caught up on my sleep. I've been out almost every night this week. Between that and being on the phone, my throat started to hurt. So glad I'm not going out tonight.

Tonight, I'm going to get back to my stories. I'm going to get back to writing poetry. I need time to just think and sort out the thoughts in my head.

I don't think I'm going to focus on school right away. I want to work for my cousin's company. They hire people without degrees and they get good money. With money, I can do almost anything. I can buy whatever, do whatever, and go wherever. I can finally escape this hell hole of a city. I can go to England or L.A. or Key West, anywhere. Just anywhere but here.

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I know I have more fears than the average 20 year old girl. I'll admit it right away. Some are irrational like the dark and slugs. But the others are just because I'm human.

I'm petrified of being forgotten. Yet, it has happened to me so many times that I've lost count. It hurts, you know? And I'm going to say this in the most sensitive manner possible: I'm always scared when people say "no" to me. Like, "Can you help me with my diet?" "Do you like me?" "Can I come with you?" "Can I retake this test?" "Was I invited?" Questions like that. I never ask those questions. Ever.

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Sorry, my mind is everywhere.

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Watch me as I build my walls higher. Watch me as I shut everyone out. Watch me as I become superficial. Watch me change. L doesn't care. She never cared. M cares but not enough. She knows about my fortress. But she doesn't know how to deal with it and I'm glad. I think, I build these walls of protection because I'm scared that if I let people in, they'll know the real me and they won't like it. I might scare them away.

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I'm still working on finding myself. Improving myself. I'm so young. I have my whole life ahead of me. There's so much I want to do. There's so many places I want to visit. I don't want to waste my life here, in this tiny neighborhood full of clones.

So, here's my plan (and I'm actually going to follow it this time):

1. Job

2. License

3. Apartment with K

A simple and short list.

Life is too beautiful to not really experience it. Life is beautiful but so very difficult.