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I talked to KC on the phone last night until 3am. I'm spending most of Tuesday with her. She's picking me up after class. Then, me, her, and FJ are picking up JA in Wellesley. Then, we're heading to the liquor store to get beer. And then beer pong at KC's house. Should be a fun night. I'm not much of a party person but it's good to let loose every once in a while :)
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And my mom said she'd get me a flat screen tv and a PS3. I'm not a materialistic person but those are the only things I really really want for Christmas. For now, I'm using my mom's Wii in my room. But I need to get the adapter from KC on Tuesday. KC explained to me Saints Row and how she thought the game was designed by men. "Tits do not swing! That's what bras are for, assholes." Hahaha.
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I started having dreams within dreams. Not joking. And it's starting to freak me out because sometimes, I don't know whether I'm asleep or awake. It started happening ever since I started sleeping without any light in my room, no fish tank light or iHome light. So, I'm going to turn one of them on and see if it still happens tonight. Fucking creepy.
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Do not look back at your past with regret. But also, do not look forward at your future in fear. Instead, embrace the moment of now. Embrace who's still here for you. Embrace what you still have. Embrace that fact that you are human and it's okay. It's more than okay to break down every once in a while. Find an empty room. Excuse yourself from a crowd. Let the tears flow. It's okay tell yourself that today is difficult because tomorrow is on its way. Tomorrow is a gift that is not given to everyone. Cherish each day. And you know, people do leave. It happens. But remind yourself that you still have other people here for you.
I know I've said this before but I want to be the kind of person I never had. I want to listen and be there to support a friend. So many people have given up on me. And I'm not giving up on anyone right now. No fucking way. That's a promise. Shut me out and put me down but I'm not going anywhere. Am I loyal? I like to think so (without sounding cocky). So, yeah, sorry if I sound aggressive but I've been let down and left behind so many times that I would never do it to anyone myself. Never. I am here to stay.
I don't actually know who the hell I'm talking to. As usual, this is where I get things out. But I hope I got my point across.
I used to hate crying. I used to hold it in. Why? Because I thought tears were signs of weakness. I thought I had to be strong. I took care of everyone else's problems to avoid dealing with my own? Now, am I all of a sudden a cry baby? No. But I'm human as is everyone else. And I'm sure I am not the only one who finds 10 minutes maybe once a week to just cry let out any pain and frustration.
I don't like when people hold things in. I see what it does to people. I see what it does to TK sometimes. He holds it in and maybe once or twice a year, he explodes. It freaks me out to be honest. I hate seeing my brother cry. I always tell people to never hold things in. It does bad things. I held everything in this year and in August, I imploded, in the dark, on a porch, at a condo, in the mountains of New Hampshire. I sat and cried for two fucking hours and it sucked. Lesson learned. No more holding it in for me and I hope no one else does too.
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MK is helping TK study right now and they need my computer.
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Tomorrow's a fresh start. Remember that.
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