It's Not A Question, But A Lesson Learned In Time

Yesterday was just a weird day. I woke up and I just didn't feel right. I went through the motions though. Woke up, ate, cleaned, etc. I watched the Bruins game and wrote for a long time.

I forgot my mantra last night. I forgot to tell myself that there's always tomorrow and tomorrow is a new day.

Today, I need to keep busy. Today, music is my worst enemy. Today, there are too many thoughts racing through my mind. Like school, a job, my pets that depend on me even though I'm broke, my family drama, my parents. So many fucking things that I shouldn't have to worry about but I do. And I don't know why I couldn't talk about it last night. I couldn't find the words to describe what was going on in my head. To be honest, sometimes, I just can't find the right words to say.

All I could think was "What if?" What if my brother never went out to drink that night? I'd be at a 4 year college. What if my sister hadn't gotten married? I'd be living in Florida. What if I hadn't quit my job? I wouldn't be fighting with my parents as much. What if Bernadette had never left? She's still be alive today. What if I had checked on Dutch earlier? He might have been alive today. What if LM didn't have her disease? Our relationship would probably be better. What if my nephew wasn't born? Well, my brother and his ex would still be together.

What if??? What if I wasn't adopted? I'd be living in one of the poorest, polluted cities in the world. What if I hadn't met Mona? I'd probably still hate myself. What if I hadn't met Jacob? I'd probably still dislike God. What if I hadn't met Chris? I probably would have given up on my dreams by now.

In most cases, everything happens for a reason. Most cases. But Bernadette wasn't supposed to die. Dutch was not supposed to die. Those people were not supposed to leave. My nephew wasn't really supposed to be born. RR was a sister to me and she's not supposed to be gone.

So, does everything happen for a reason? No. Sure, it makes us stronger. It makes us weak to let us know how human we are. It makes us more aware. But not everything happens for a reason. Some things just happen. Shit happens. Unfortunately.

It was supposed to be me and my sister in Florida. I was supposed to go to a 4 year college. Bernadette should be alive but she's not. RR should be here, hanging out with TK in front of the t.v.

My life, at this very moment, should not be like this. I know life is unfair and that I should roll with the punches, but I also know that I deserve none of this. I like to think I'm a good person. So, I'm sitting here, pondering the meaning of life and why the hell I have suffered an alarming amount of misfortunes and unfortunate events?

Tellmetellmetellme why the bad things happen. I want a fucking reason for all of this. Tell me why she died. Tell me why TK fucked up. Tell me why MK moved on without me for something better. Tell me why my cousin was diagnosed with an incurable disease. Tell me why I can never say what I'm feeling or thinking but when I write, it comes out perfectly. Tell me why I have a knack for fucking things up at the right moment.

Tell me why this is my life.