As My Train Rolls Down The East Coast

You were meant to walk with other people,

to invite other characters to play parts in your story.

-Jamie Tworkowski

I'm not really a fan of change. And who really is? Change is an inevitable force. Change is painful and new and uncomfortable.

It's painful because you're like "This can't be my life now." I wake up and it's kind of like a smack in the face. I'm habitual. I like what I'm used to. I don't like having to spend time getting used to "the new". It's like you have to start all over again. You have to learn how to do things all over again.

I've tried embracing change. It didn't work out too well. But I tried. I don't embrace it but I'm slowly accepting it. I'm learning that things don't come easily to me anymore.

My past and my pain and my journey has not hardened me or made me cold. Yes, I am stronger now because of what I went through, but I have not grown cold or harsh. In fact, I'm a little softer. I'm more accepting. After feeling the pain I've felt, I've turned into a better person. A little scarred but it is what it is. And that's my new thing: It is what it is.

Even when shitty things happen, I believe that everything happens for a reason. Tragedies happen for a reason. Romances happen for a reason. Mistakes happen for a reason. People enter your life for a reason. Everything has reason. Sometimes, like now, we don't know what those reasons are. So, we stick around to find out.

And honestly, I think we stick around and stick it out to see how strong we can really be. As much as I hate change, I'm still here. I want to see how long I can last in this "new life". I want to see how long I can keep telling myself that things will get better. I'm sticking around because maybe, just maybe something amazing might happen.

Life is unpredictable in some of the best ways. Sure, things change. I learned it firsthand in some of the hardest ways. I've had everything taken away from me in a flash. But what am I doing about it now? Now, I'm making the best of what I've got. And I'm doing everything in my power to get it all back. I'm working for the things I once had. I want it back.

I think I've been through enough pain to deserve some happiness. Too many people have hurt me. Too many things have been taken away from me. Too much pain for one girl, right? No one deserves this. I would never wish this kind of pain on anyone. It's too strong and sharp and powerful.

I cannot believe I am here. I cannot believe I'm here, making my way to the end. I did all of this alone. I put one foot in front of the other. No one cheered me on. No one told me it would be okay. Nobody knew.