Today was decent. I was on my feet all day. I had my phone off for a good bit of it. I barely had any time to think.
But now that it's nighttime, I'm alone in my room. All of my thoughts are just flooding in all at once. What the hell is happening to me?
What on earth have I done to deserve this kind of thing? I wish it was never nighttime. I wish I never had to sleep. I wish it daytime all the time. I wish the sun shone all fucking day and I wouldn't have to think about anything at all.
I just want to start over. I want to move far away and just start fresh. I want to leave everything and just go. I won't even have to say goodbye to anyone except my brother and sister.
I wish I could just erase myself from everyone's lives. I wish I could cancel my phone contract or erase people's contacts on my phone. Maybe have my facebook for family only. I just want to disappear for a while.
I'm still building my wall. I'm discovering that I trust issues. Can you really blame me? After everyone has said "You can always talk to me" or "I'm always here for you", they're gone. Just like that.
As low, sad, and depressed as I am, I have to get through this. I just have to. Although I'm not in a coma or a vegetated state, I'm still fighting for my life. I'm fighting for what I have left in it. I'm fighting for the few relationships I have left. I'm fighting my own personal battles every day. I'm going to make it. I have so much to look forward to. I just need to get out of this hellish rut so that day, I will escape.
I'll be free from all of this one day. I can't wait for that day.
I still love my life. If I didn't, I would've given up a long time ago. But I'm going to keep fighting. I love too many things, like the fall season, shopping, my pets, laughing, music, my sister, movies, and going on adventures.
I'm in a decent mood and I'm almost positive that tomorrow is going to suck.
Goodnight.
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