T-teach me how to dougiee

Today's soundtrack consisted of LMFAO and Gym Class Heroes.

Today was a busy but good day. A good amount of physical labor. I also drank my weight in water.

-

I'm adjusting. When I have the urge to call or text someone because of something on my mind, I just find something to keep myself busy. I have to remind myself of my decision. I have to tell myself that I have no one. I also have to tell myself that I can do this on my own. I have to. There's no other way.

At the end of the day, no one cares. And that's okay. No one has to care about me or my problems. No one has to care when I cry myself to sleep. I used to hate that no one cared. It bothered me so much to the point where I would just shut down for a week. Now, I brush it off. I don't mind being alone in all of this. But it's going to take some time to adjust.

Sometimes, I pick up my phone and then think "Oh wait. Never mind." And then I put the phone down and go find something else to do.

Plus, I'm not good at crying on the phone. I can't remember if I wrote about this already. But when I'm crying on the phone, I can barely talk. One time, I was on the phone with my cousin and I was just beside myself. I was on my bedroom floor, lying on my back. The tears were falling back onto my ears and the phone that was against my ear. I was just wailing and crying and heaving and she just listened.

The last time I cried on the phone was when Katmai was really sick. I was talking to Meredith. I was calm but I was still crying and she knew it.

-

I am alone. I'm going to be okay. I'll get out of this alive but not unscathed. In the end, I'm going to be proud of these emotional scars. I'm going to look in the mirror years from now and say "Hey, you. Yeah, you. You did it. You're alive. You're okay." My story is going to be happy.

When I was 6 or 8 or 10 years old, did I imagine my life like this? No. I wasn't prepared for this. I was completely blindsided. But I'm taking slow, deep breaths. I am taking one hour, one day at a time. Wake up. Brush my teeth, Shower. School. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.

I'm not okay. Not yet, at least. I'm going to be, though. Yeah, I'm going to be okay. I am going to be okay. Until I am, I'm going to keep telling myself this. I'm going to do this. Not all hope is lost. I'm still holding onto my last thread of hope. That is what's going to get me through all of this.

Exhausted. Goodnight.