You know what's sad? I don't have a best friend. I used to, though. I don't know what happened to that. I feel like it was almost all of a sudden. I don't understand how something like this could happen. This is ridiculous. Theoretically, if I stood on the edge of a building rooftop, I'd have no one to talk me out of jumping. Of course, I would never jump. But I'm just saying that I have no one in my life that cares that much.
I try not to reread my posts. Because then I just cry. I went the entire day without crying. I refuse to cry tonight. I refused to be reduced to tears like last night.
I have almost nothing left. But I am treasuring what little I have left. I am holding onto little stories and memories with all my might. I am holding to what innocence I have left. I'm holding onto old photos of old friends. I'm holding onto the journals I wrote in when I was in middle school. I'm holding onto the little things that matter.
I honestly don't know if I love my life. All I know is that I want to. I want to look forward to waking up every day. I want my smiles and laughs to be real and genuine.
Most of these blog titles have come from my favorite songs:
"Ashamed" by Jamestown Story
"A Drop In the Ocean" Ron Pope
A few songs by LIGHTS.
Earlier today when I was in a decent mood, I listen to some old songs by Gavin Degraw, Aaron Carter, Britney, Pretty Ricky, Baby Bash, Destiny's Child, BSB, etc.
I had the best childhood. I wish I could relive it all over again. That music always brings a smile to my face.
I'm still having trouble sleeping. At night, I either sleep or cry. Tonight, I'm doing neither. When I get a job and health insurance, I'll get a therapist and maybe sleeping pills.
I hope we go to Ipswitch tomorrow. I love the ride. I love the fresh air and scenery. I love nature in general.
As someone who loves and appreciates so much, I don't understand why this is happening to me. Someone tell me that it will get better. Someone take away this fucking pain.
Going to attempt to sleep.
No comments:
Post a Comment