It's Like Wishing For Rain As I Stand In the Desert

Is it over? Is the scary scene over? Can I look now? Is it okay now?

Someone tell me the answers to these questions. Goddamnit.

I wish I could see into the future. I wish I knew the outcome. Someone tell me that it's going to be okay. Someone tell me that I'm gonna make it. I keep telling myself that I'll be okay, but once, just once, I want to hear it from someone else.

I've lost faith in humanity. But I have not lost faith in myself. I have no one. I know I say this all the time, but I need to keep repeating it. Until it sinks in. I'm all I have. Just me. I have no one to rely on. No one to pick me up when I'm stranded somewhere. No one to call when I need a pick-me-up. No one to call when I'm having a shitty day. No one to celebrate an event with me. I have myself. Right now, I don't like it. But one day, it will be enough. I will be enough for me.

I have hope. Just a little bit. And that's what's keeping me going at the moment. Just a little thread of hope. I know that this has to get better. It has to. Right? Right?!

This situation, this rut, it's indescribable. I've been told that my journey is unusual but interesting. I've been told that my choice is kind of crazy. I mean, who wants to be alone? Who wants to go through the motions alone? How come I don't want to see London with a companion? How come I don't want to attend at least one Olympics with a friend or fiance or husband?

I stand strongly by my decision not to marry.

Let me clear this up. I do not essentially want to be alone. Alone is a sad word. Gone is also a sad word. I am alone because everyone is gone. I do not want to be alone. But I am accepting it. This is a fate. This is a sad fate that I must accept slowly and gracefully. In this life, I'll physically have my sister and brother. But they have their own lives to live.

I am building a wall. And I don't care. It's not like anyone's charging into it, trying to break it down. People say that you shouldn't build walls to keep people out. Well, I'm building a wall around myself. A tight, secure wall of protection. Like I said, it's not like anyone's trying to get inside. No one wants what's inside my fortress. And I don't want what's outside. I don't want to make friends. I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want a fiance or a husband. I don't want anyone and nobody wants me. It's mutual.

I am angry. I'm frustrated. I am sad. But no one knows. I am trying to fucking hard to accept this. I'm trying to embrace it. I'm really trying. I'm trying to ignore everything negative. I'm trying to be positive. My smiles have been real lately. But during the last 20 minutes I'm awake before I fall asleep, I think about this shit. I think about how everyone's fucking gone. I think about how I'm too fucking poor to go to the college I was accepted to. I think about how fucking nice I am and I still get treated like shit.

I think about how I'll never be good enough. I think about how badly I would love to just spend one more day as a 6 year old, playing tag outside until the street lights came on. I think about I will never be happy as some of the happiest people I know. I think about how everyone is moving on without me. I think about how hard I try to catch up. I think about how my cousin acts like she's better than me. I think about how I hate telling people I go to a community college and how they say "Oh... Well, that's a great way to save money!" I know they're trying to be polite. It kills me inside.

I was so fucking excited to go to Curry. It's not the greatest school but it was a 4 years school. It had my major. I was foolishly full of excitement. And my parents said "Well, of course you can't go full time." Hell, I can't even go to community full time.

This past week, I have been all smiles. Real fucking smiles. Trying to hold it all in. This ^ is what happens when you hold things in. I can barely see the screen. I would love to pick up my phone and call someone. And then it comes back to me: they don't care. It's the truth and it hurts. I want so badly to spill my heart out to someone. Not this. I want to talk to a good friend and say "Hey, I'm feeling real shitty. Can I talk to you?" But I can't. Because the little voice in my head says, "You're alone, kiddo. Sorry."

And even if I gave this link to a friend, they wouldn't read it. They wouldn't take the time to read this. They have a life. They have school full-time. They have friends. They're busy. Get over it, stupid girl. Stop crying.