Your Faith Walks On Broken Glass

I really like this site. I'm going to keep writing. When I get over all of this shit, I'm going to reread all of these entries and look at how far I've come. I can't wait for that day.

I don't know exactly how I'm feeling tonight. Do I feel any less alone? Not really. I feel just about the same.

I've been feeling sick for the past few days. Stomach ache, headache, sore all over. I've been taking ibuprofen for the past week. I'm trying to survive today without it. And because I've been feeling like shit, I've slept for the most of the day, for the past few days.

Am I okay yet? No. Not yet. Maybe some day. But not today. Not tomorrow. Not next week or the week after that. But it's going to happen. It just has to be okay. Do I still have hope? Yes, a little bit. And that little bit is keeping me going. That little bit is the reason I drag myself out of bed every day.

I talked to L today. I miss her but I know that I miss her more than she misses me. It's not okay. She is not better than me nor am I better than her. I don't know what's happening, but I don't like it.

People are leaving. Some people are already gone. It's only a matter of time. Maybe, this is just practice. Maybe, I'm being prepared for when these people are truly gone. Maybe they're pretending not to care.

Or maybe, they really don't care and they're going nowhere. Both theories frighten me.

I've done a lot of thinking today. I hate hate hate thinking. I hate thinking about where I might've gone wrong. I hate thinking "What if". I hate thinking too hard. My brain usually starts to hurt and my heart begins to ache.

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This reality is cold. This reality is unkind and unforgiving. This reality of mine is dark. This reality is mean and hurtful. This reality is lonely. This reality is disappointing. This reality cannot be trusted. This reality is cannot be depended on. This reality is so cruel. I hate this reality.

Now you know why I write. I write to create my own worlds. Worlds where no one leaves you. People say thank you. People don't ever ever forget you. People say sorry. People are honest and kind. The weather is warm. People's hearts are warm. I create worlds where everyone belongs and no one gets hurt.

I wish I could recreate my reality. I wish I could make people stay. I wish I could make people be nice to everyone. No one would be mean. No one would steal or lie. The laughs and smiles would be real.

But I am stuck with this reality. This is where I am. I am here and no one else is with me. I'm facing the darkness alone. And I'm scared.

Can I make it out alive? I hope so. I want to. I want to be on cloud 9 again. I don't want to have to worry about everything.

Part of me thinks that I won't be okay. I can't make people stay. I can't stop them from leaving.

I hate not being happy. I hate being alone. I hate being left behind. I hate being forgotten. I hate that I'm not a friend worth keeping, worth the effort to stay in touch. I hate being used.

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I still think about disconnecting myself from the world. Deleting 95% of my contacts. Deleting 95% of my Facebook friends. I sort of want to. It's not like anyone would notice anyways.

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Don't leave me behind. Take me with you. I want to see everything too. I want to live too. I want to go on adventures too. Just please don't leave me.

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Have you found the old me yet? Did you tell her that I miss her dearly? You saw her, right? Was she smiling? Was she wearing bright colors? Was she laughing? Was she with family or friends? She's amazing. I miss her so so much. I want her back.

Bring her back to me.