I'm frustrated and disappointed with myself. I'm better than this. This is a horrible, horrible, ugly side of myself.
I used to be so happy. I loved life and I loved looking forward to each and every day. Where did that girl go? She's lost. Somebody help me find her. She's been gone for years. Let's put up some MISSING posters. Maybe you've seen her. She wore lots of color. She laughed uncontrollably at times. She was kind and generous. She took everything in stride. She just went with the flow. She laughed at everything and anything that anyone said. And that laugh, that laugh was contagious. She wasn't the prettiest girl, but boy, she was pretty confident. She liked to get gussied up for a night out. She loved make-up and pretty hair-do's. She loved the company of others. She was there, you know? She didn't just exist; she lived.
So, if you find her, lemme know. I miss her.
I think it was last Tuesday night... I was on the porch. I had my iPod on. And I was just crying. I cried so hard. The worst part was that the tears just flowed nonstop. I didn't heave or make any crying noises. I just sat there and cried silently.
It was a cold, cloudy night. Being in New Hampshire, it was pitch black. So, there I was, staring into the blackness, crying. I cried for two hours straight. It was kind of relieving at the time, because I didn't know what was coming next.
I had my the hood of my sweatshirt pulled over my head. And it was a big hood, in case my mother came outside.
I just sat there and thought about everything wrong. I thought about the people I disappointed and let down. I thought about the people I'll never be good enough for. I thought about the people who had already forgotten me. I thought about the people who have left me. I thought about the people who are going to leave me in the future. I thought about my birth mom, who I may never get a chance to meet. I thought about my writing, and how no one cares about it. I thought about the possibility of giving up writing. I thought about escaping this place.
All of these thoughts brought rapids of salty rivers down my face. Despite me being alone that night, it felt good to let all out, into the darkness.
Since that night, I've felt numb. And you know what? This feels worse than any pain I've ever felt. I want to feel something, even if it hurts. A few nights ago though, I just lost it. I just started bawling my eyes out. Crying over the phone kills me. I've done it once with Lizzy in 2009. I was crying so hard that I was choking on my words. So, now I know that crying over the phone isn't good for me. The night ended with me crying myself to sleep.
I wish I could've written a letter from the future to my 14 year old self. I'd tell her to do her fucking homework. I'd tell her to stop crying and that he'll come home alive and in one piece. I'd tell her to study for her tests. I'd tell her not to worry because life is going to get much worse.
My feelings for Woody are not serious or deep. It's just a silly crush. It's a phase. His voice does not give me butterflies nor do I keep checking my phone for texts from him. He's a great friend though. He's funny and has a good personality. So, I'm glad I have him in my life.
I want to meet someone who has all of the answers to life. Not God or some psychic. I don't know. But I want to ask "Why me?" Why do I feel so trapped? What did I do to deserve this? I had an awesome life before all of this. i had a ton of friends. I went out almost every weekend. I went shopping on fucking Newbury Street. I got lost in Boston with my friends and LOVED it. I almost got hit by a car in Southie on Halloween and laugh my ASS off afterwards. I used to get manicures with my friends at the mall. What the fuck happened? What the fuck did I do that got all of THIS taken away? I had a life. I had friends. I had fun. I was careless and loving it. So, I would like to know where this life went. I would like to know where this girl is. If you find this girl and this life anywhere, please return them to me.
I miss them dearly.
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