We'll Be Home Soon- So Dry Your Eyes.

Today was relatively smooth. Nothing chaotic, which is completely fine to me.

Am I on cloud 9 yet? Of course not. These things take time.

Today, in English, I was working on my thesis paper, even though I was supposed to be following the lecture. Anyways, my topic is personal. At one point, I just started crying. Luckily, no one around me noticed. I quickly wiped away my tears and continued to write.

The topic is emotional strength and the "scars" you receive as you gain this type of strength.

-

The family issue is temporarily being resolved. For now, at least. I have a strong feeling that it isn't.

-

I'm going out with KC tomorrow night for a trip to DQ. I need to get my mind off all of this shit and I need a new pack of cigarettes, because God know's I'm going to need them next month.

-

For once, I don't have much to say other than I'm ready to kick depression's ass. I'm ready to claw my way out of this shit hole. I'm ready for this world again. I'm ready to leave my past in the past.

Click Me!

We'll Still Survive

So, much has happened this week that sometimes, I think I'm in this giant nightmare.

My family has somehow fallen apart. Everyone is just so sad. It feels like someone just died. My mother was sobbing the other night. So, I made her a cup of tea and got her a glass of water.

My dad was so upset that he didn't eat dinner and went to bed early.

My mother did the same. Skipped dinner and headed to bed early.

As much as I would love to show my sadness, I feel the need to be strong. Everyone around me is crumbling. I've done as much as I can. Put the groceries away, emptied the dishwasher, went on a little day trip to get a bale of hay with my mom. We even put together a "Cheer Me Up" basket for my dad, full of his favorite things.

As far as everything else goes...

After all of this, I feel myself regaining strength, like I'm ready for the world. People are just disappointing me, left and right. After all of this, I have my family. I have my sister and my parents. That's all I need.

I'm done being defensive. I'm done trying to protect myself from further pain. Because you know what? Pain is inevitable. It's a powerful force and it cannot be avoided. After the event if this week, I'm ready to face this head on. I'm ready to beat this depression. I'm ready to beat my pain. I'm ready to live this life without friends.

I know I don't have anyone to talk to anymore. But I'm fine with it now. I'm still here. Still standing strong. I don't have a shoulder to cry on. I can't call anyone at 2am. I can't do any of this. But I'm more than okay with this, to be honest. And you know, it IS possible to have this kind of life and still be happy. I refuse to be some miserable friendless girl.

I'm going to put forth all of my strength and effort to find the old me. I'm going to be on top of the world. You just wait.

I Love This Song

World War 3

What is World War 3? Is a future event that we're doomed to experience? Is it the relationship between a child and her parents? Is it a relationship between a man and the world he lives in? Or is it the battle between you and yourself?

What am I doing here? I mean, sure, I breathe, sleep, eat, and drink. But what else?

I can't write this paper. This is too close to me. But it's all I've known for the past few years. My own little war with myself. My pain, my battles, my scars. I'm hesitant to share it. But I'm passing it off as a fictional narrative.

Okay.

I'm listening to one of my new favorite songs and at the end, the lyrics so "You never said good-bye. You never said good-bye." And you know, no one ever did. All those people who left my life, they never said goodbye. They never said, "Hey I'm really sorry but..." None of that. No, one day, they were just gone.

Now, all I have a voicemails, notes, birthday cards, and photos from them. It's all I have to remember them by. It does suck.

9.26.11

[nevermind]

It's been days since I've cried but as I write this, salty rivers are running down my cheeks.

I'm trying so fucking hard to pull myself together. I try so fucking hard to get out of bed every day. I try so fucking hard to put a smile on my face. Every night, I literally ask myself "Is this real? Are you sure I'm not sleeping?" No, this is very real. And very harsh.

Here's the truth. At the end of the day, no one cares. No one ever cares, no matter how much they fake it. They don't care how your day went. They don't care about school. They don't care about shit. I need to get used to this.

And you know, I'm sorry I wasn't a good enough friend. I'm sorry I wasn't funny enough. I'm sorry I wasn't smart enough. I'm sorry for everything.

I'm starting to lose hope because I'm putting so much effort into finding that lost girl again, and I end up at dead ends every damn day. I'm trying to be that girl again. I just can't. But part of me doesn't want to give up.

You know what else blows? I honestly think I'm a good person and yet that's not good enough. I truly truly believe that everyone is good. There is good in EVERYONE. Even the people who left me behind. I believe they are all good. Isn't that fucking pathetic?

I'm trying so so hard, but I'm losing strength.

It's Just A Drop In The Ocean

This is my last post, I think. And if I ever write again, it will be on a different blog.

Hopefully, 5 years from now, I can come back here and say "Wow, look at how far I've come."

Hopefully, I won't be broken anymore, 5 years from now. Hopefully, I won't cry as often. Hopefully, I'll have close friends that I can call "family". Hopefully, I'll be reunited with the old me, the lost girl, the girl in the MISSING posters. You remember her, right? Hopefully I find her. And when I do, she'll have the same crooked smile I remember.

I cried again last night. I know life is unfair, but this is fucking ridiculous.

Is my wall of protection still up? Yeah. And it's standing strong.

I'm on a quest now. To find this girl I've been talking about. The one with the loud laugh. The one who wore bright colors. The one who was carefree. The one who loved everything. The one who loved to hug everyone. The one who never worried. The one who lived in the moment. Yeah, I'm gonna find her.

To sum up the entries...

I miss me. I've built a wall of protection. There is only so much I'll share with people. Everyone is leaving. No one cares. Ever. I am not supposed to share my problems. It's not fair to them. Plus, they A: don't care or B: can't handle it. I'm alone. I know that now. Only I can do this alone. This is my pain and my fight. It's me against the monsters.

When I graduate, I'm going to get a good job. I'm going to save up for my escape. And you know what? Most people won't even notice I'm gone. The people I went to high school with, the people I talk to only a few times a year, they won't notice. But this is for the best. I need to get out of here.

People are not meant to wander through life alone. So, where does that leave me?

It's God's Honest Truth... I Just Miss You.

I woke up later than I would've liked. Around 12:05pm. But I still walked a mile after I brushed my teeth and had a glass of water.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. I really need it. I need to be surrounded to by people. And that's what's going to be going on Saturday and Sunday. I finally get to wear a dress and be a girly girl. Ooh la la.

Tonight is okay, I think. I'm kind of on the verge of tears. I don't know why.

I wish someone would tell me that they love me. I don't hear it enough. It doesn't have to be in an intimate way. Someone tell me that they're proud of me. I don't hear it enough. Someone tell me that I'm smart. I don't hear it enough. Someone tell me that I'm cute or pretty. I don't hear it enough. Someone tell me that I'm funny. I don't hear it enough.

I still feel so empty. I don't know how to fill the void. I swear, I'm trying to get back to my normal self. But I feel like I lost her years ago. I miss her.

I'm trying to be happy. But I feel like no one cares. And maybe that's the truth. Maybe no one truly cares. Maybe my fears are coming true. Maybe no one is caring anymore. Maybe everyone is still leaving.

GODDAMNIT. Bring back the old me!!!!! Please fucking God, I can't do this anymore! I get it! It's a fucking test! Well, I give up! I give up so fucking bad. Please please please I want me back!!! I WANT TO SEE BRIGHT COLORS IN EVERYTHING AGAIN. PLEASE. I'M SICK AND TIRED OF BEING ALONE. I'M TIRED OF CRYING. Please please please don't do this to me. I've learned my lesson. Always be kind. Be generous. Be honest. Never lie. Don't be materialistic. I GET IT. I've had enough of this bullshit.

I WANT HER BACK. When I look in the mirror, I want to see her smile again. When I hear a joke, I want to hear her laugh exit my mouth. When I'm alone, I want to hear her positive thoughts inside my head.

I miss her. I miss her so much. And if she comes back to me, I will welcome her back with open arms. I'll hug her so tight and never ever let go. I need her back with me, by my side. She and I will conquer the world together.

I want you back. I want your life to be mine again. I want to explore with you. I want to see your smile and to hear your laugh. I miss your confidence. I miss everything about you. Come back to me.

I wish I was still a teenager. I wish I could call this "teen angst". I wish I could just have an excuse for all these feelings. But I'm an adult. I'm feeling sadness, loneliness, anger, frustration, panic, and regret. These feelings are too real and they hurt.

I want me back. That's all I want. I'll do anything.

*Tonight's title brought to you by E for Explosion. Click it.

Your Faith Walks On Broken Glass

I really like this site. I'm going to keep writing. When I get over all of this shit, I'm going to reread all of these entries and look at how far I've come. I can't wait for that day.

I don't know exactly how I'm feeling tonight. Do I feel any less alone? Not really. I feel just about the same.

I've been feeling sick for the past few days. Stomach ache, headache, sore all over. I've been taking ibuprofen for the past week. I'm trying to survive today without it. And because I've been feeling like shit, I've slept for the most of the day, for the past few days.

Am I okay yet? No. Not yet. Maybe some day. But not today. Not tomorrow. Not next week or the week after that. But it's going to happen. It just has to be okay. Do I still have hope? Yes, a little bit. And that little bit is keeping me going. That little bit is the reason I drag myself out of bed every day.

I talked to L today. I miss her but I know that I miss her more than she misses me. It's not okay. She is not better than me nor am I better than her. I don't know what's happening, but I don't like it.

People are leaving. Some people are already gone. It's only a matter of time. Maybe, this is just practice. Maybe, I'm being prepared for when these people are truly gone. Maybe they're pretending not to care.

Or maybe, they really don't care and they're going nowhere. Both theories frighten me.

I've done a lot of thinking today. I hate hate hate thinking. I hate thinking about where I might've gone wrong. I hate thinking "What if". I hate thinking too hard. My brain usually starts to hurt and my heart begins to ache.

-

This reality is cold. This reality is unkind and unforgiving. This reality of mine is dark. This reality is mean and hurtful. This reality is lonely. This reality is disappointing. This reality cannot be trusted. This reality is cannot be depended on. This reality is so cruel. I hate this reality.

Now you know why I write. I write to create my own worlds. Worlds where no one leaves you. People say thank you. People don't ever ever forget you. People say sorry. People are honest and kind. The weather is warm. People's hearts are warm. I create worlds where everyone belongs and no one gets hurt.

I wish I could recreate my reality. I wish I could make people stay. I wish I could make people be nice to everyone. No one would be mean. No one would steal or lie. The laughs and smiles would be real.

But I am stuck with this reality. This is where I am. I am here and no one else is with me. I'm facing the darkness alone. And I'm scared.

Can I make it out alive? I hope so. I want to. I want to be on cloud 9 again. I don't want to have to worry about everything.

Part of me thinks that I won't be okay. I can't make people stay. I can't stop them from leaving.

I hate not being happy. I hate being alone. I hate being left behind. I hate being forgotten. I hate that I'm not a friend worth keeping, worth the effort to stay in touch. I hate being used.

-

I still think about disconnecting myself from the world. Deleting 95% of my contacts. Deleting 95% of my Facebook friends. I sort of want to. It's not like anyone would notice anyways.

-

Don't leave me behind. Take me with you. I want to see everything too. I want to live too. I want to go on adventures too. Just please don't leave me.

-

Have you found the old me yet? Did you tell her that I miss her dearly? You saw her, right? Was she smiling? Was she wearing bright colors? Was she laughing? Was she with family or friends? She's amazing. I miss her so so much. I want her back.

Bring her back to me.

Hey there, Face here.

Here we go again. First off, I have a blazing headache, which hurts to the point that it pisses me off.

Today was decent. I was on my feet all day. I had my phone off for a good bit of it. I barely had any time to think.

But now that it's nighttime, I'm alone in my room. All of my thoughts are just flooding in all at once. What the hell is happening to me?

What on earth have I done to deserve this kind of thing? I wish it was never nighttime. I wish I never had to sleep. I wish it daytime all the time. I wish the sun shone all fucking day and I wouldn't have to think about anything at all.

I just want to start over. I want to move far away and just start fresh. I want to leave everything and just go. I won't even have to say goodbye to anyone except my brother and sister.

I wish I could just erase myself from everyone's lives. I wish I could cancel my phone contract or erase people's contacts on my phone. Maybe have my facebook for family only. I just want to disappear for a while.

I'm still building my wall. I'm discovering that I trust issues. Can you really blame me? After everyone has said "You can always talk to me" or "I'm always here for you", they're gone. Just like that.

As low, sad, and depressed as I am, I have to get through this. I just have to. Although I'm not in a coma or a vegetated state, I'm still fighting for my life. I'm fighting for what I have left in it. I'm fighting for the few relationships I have left. I'm fighting my own personal battles every day. I'm going to make it. I have so much to look forward to. I just need to get out of this hellish rut so that day, I will escape.

I'll be free from all of this one day. I can't wait for that day.

I still love my life. If I didn't, I would've given up a long time ago. But I'm going to keep fighting. I love too many things, like the fall season, shopping, my pets, laughing, music, my sister, movies, and going on adventures.

I'm in a decent mood and I'm almost positive that tomorrow is going to suck.

Goodnight.

I Do Not Rest At All

I was doing so well today. Up until now. It's 3:30am. I'm now alone with my own thoughts.

You know what's sad? I don't have a best friend. I used to, though. I don't know what happened to that. I feel like it was almost all of a sudden. I don't understand how something like this could happen. This is ridiculous. Theoretically, if I stood on the edge of a building rooftop, I'd have no one to talk me out of jumping. Of course, I would never jump. But I'm just saying that I have no one in my life that cares that much.

I try not to reread my posts. Because then I just cry. I went the entire day without crying. I refuse to cry tonight. I refused to be reduced to tears like last night.

I have almost nothing left. But I am treasuring what little I have left. I am holding onto little stories and memories with all my might. I am holding to what innocence I have left. I'm holding onto old photos of old friends. I'm holding onto the journals I wrote in when I was in middle school. I'm holding onto the little things that matter.

I honestly don't know if I love my life. All I know is that I want to. I want to look forward to waking up every day. I want my smiles and laughs to be real and genuine.

Most of these blog titles have come from my favorite songs:

"Ashamed" by Jamestown Story

"A Drop In the Ocean" Ron Pope

A few songs by LIGHTS.

Earlier today when I was in a decent mood, I listen to some old songs by Gavin Degraw, Aaron Carter, Britney, Pretty Ricky, Baby Bash, Destiny's Child, BSB, etc.

I had the best childhood. I wish I could relive it all over again. That music always brings a smile to my face.

I'm still having trouble sleeping. At night, I either sleep or cry. Tonight, I'm doing neither. When I get a job and health insurance, I'll get a therapist and maybe sleeping pills.

I hope we go to Ipswitch tomorrow. I love the ride. I love the fresh air and scenery. I love nature in general.

As someone who loves and appreciates so much, I don't understand why this is happening to me. Someone tell me that it will get better. Someone take away this fucking pain.

Going to attempt to sleep.

Let's Raise A Toast to A Sad Story

"Until you find something to fight for,

you settle for something to fight against."

— Chuck Palahniuk

Today, I kept busy. I had my phone off. I was disconnected from the world. Today, I felt nothing. Which felt like a good break from all the pain I've felt this week.

I cried last night. Seems like a daily occurrence. I had trouble sleeping. I finally fell asleep during the sunrise.

For the entire day, I was cleaning outside. Today was beautiful. This is my favorite kind of weather. Today was peaceful. But I cannot wait to escape this place.

When I leave, I may never return. There's nothing and no one here for me anymore. This way, I won't really have to say goodbye to anyone except for my brother and sister. I'm sure they'll be okay without me.

As much I sort of want to get things out of my head and onto this screen, I can't. I don't to cry tonight. I'm sick and tired of crying. This is a tear-free night for me.

I've been on a diet shake sort of diet for a week now. Just bought more shakes from the grocery store today. Week two, here we go.

I'm keeping myself busy tonight with a hefty amount of homework, cleaning, laundry, and some old 90's music.

I cried last night. I always cry at night now. I couldn't sleep. I eventually fell asleep some time during the sunrise.

I was outside today, for hours. My phone is still off. Today, I felt nothing. I'm not sure what feels worse: nothing or pain. Because let me tell you that both suck.

Today, I thought about nothing as I clean the rabbit areas. As I swept the rugs and trimmed the herbs, I thought about nothing.

I'm still thinking about nothing. I don't want to think about everything I feel. Today and tonight, I just want to block it out. I'm going to block out the fact that I feel like I'm being buried alive.

I my homework isn't due until the 30th, but I'm going to do all or most of it tonight.

I don't mind if I don't smile or laugh today. I just don't want to cry. I'm sick and tired of crying.

This is my favorite weather. It's perfect to me. I wish it was like this every day of the year.

This song makes me want to dance.

Just click it.

I Don't Know Where I Went Wrong

Is this really happening? Did I really cry myself to sleep last night? Is this some cruel, horrific nightmare?

Does this pain really belong to me? Am I really alone? Is this my life now? Really? But why? I'm try so so hard to be strong and put a smile on my face. I'm making an effort and yet, nothing is changing. I don't know where I went wrong.

Why do I have no friends left? I'm a nice person. I love animals. I love laughing. I love movies, music, and television. I love shopping. I love everything. I think I'm normal, so why does nobody want to be in my life?

Whatever. I don't need this. This is ridiculous.

Who wants to be a friend with this mess right here? Who wants to listen to a broken person? No one. I don't blame you.

No one cares. But you know what? They don't have to. No one is forcing them to care.

I was talking to a stranger recently. He asked me "Do you have someone that you can share everything with?" And it took me a moment to answer. But I finally said "No." I have no one to talk to. I have no one to tell something funny to. If I have no one to discuss random nonsense things with. No one to discuss the weather with. No one to make me laugh. I told this stranger that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. He asked "Why?" And I said "Do I have a choice?"

I always had in mind that I would be single and just travel the world. But I never imagined that I would be friendless. I always assumed that I would have friends at home that I could always call or visit whenever I came home. I didn't see this coming.

This just blew me out of the water. I am completely alone. I never thought it would feel this way. I always imagined that it would feel peacful. In fact, it is the exact opposite. I feel like my thoughts are becoming twisted and warped. Like, my inner demons have entered my head and I cannot escape them.

This is why I hate the nighttime. I hate all this quietness. Nighttime is when I tend to think about how sad everything is. I like the day time because it is loud. I hear birds chirping, the dog, and the sound of the tv. At night, I just cry. And it's not like I can fill my head with someone else's voice because I have no one to call.

I hate this feeling. I hate being sad. I hate that no one cares. I hate that this is my life now. i hate the thought of this being a permanent fate. I hate the thought of being alone when I'm old and wrinkly.

I'm sorry for the nothings I have done to deserve this. I am so fucking sorry for everything. I'm so sorry that I am worthless. I'm sorry that no one is proud of me. I'm sorry that I have done nothing yet to be proud of. I'm sorry if I'm doing everything wrong. I'm sorry if I'm existing wrong. I'm sorry for just being.

I feel so dead inside. I just want to feel alive. Just for one more day. I want to jump through a pile of crunchy autumn leaves. I want to stretch my arms our far to grab a perfect apple from an apple tree. I want to laugh uncontrollably. I want all of this just one more time.

I miss my happiness. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss my innocence. I miss my smile. I miss my laugh.

I miss me.

It's Like Wishing For Rain As I Stand In the Desert

Is it over? Is the scary scene over? Can I look now? Is it okay now?

Someone tell me the answers to these questions. Goddamnit.

I wish I could see into the future. I wish I knew the outcome. Someone tell me that it's going to be okay. Someone tell me that I'm gonna make it. I keep telling myself that I'll be okay, but once, just once, I want to hear it from someone else.

I've lost faith in humanity. But I have not lost faith in myself. I have no one. I know I say this all the time, but I need to keep repeating it. Until it sinks in. I'm all I have. Just me. I have no one to rely on. No one to pick me up when I'm stranded somewhere. No one to call when I need a pick-me-up. No one to call when I'm having a shitty day. No one to celebrate an event with me. I have myself. Right now, I don't like it. But one day, it will be enough. I will be enough for me.

I have hope. Just a little bit. And that's what's keeping me going at the moment. Just a little thread of hope. I know that this has to get better. It has to. Right? Right?!

This situation, this rut, it's indescribable. I've been told that my journey is unusual but interesting. I've been told that my choice is kind of crazy. I mean, who wants to be alone? Who wants to go through the motions alone? How come I don't want to see London with a companion? How come I don't want to attend at least one Olympics with a friend or fiance or husband?

I stand strongly by my decision not to marry.

Let me clear this up. I do not essentially want to be alone. Alone is a sad word. Gone is also a sad word. I am alone because everyone is gone. I do not want to be alone. But I am accepting it. This is a fate. This is a sad fate that I must accept slowly and gracefully. In this life, I'll physically have my sister and brother. But they have their own lives to live.

I am building a wall. And I don't care. It's not like anyone's charging into it, trying to break it down. People say that you shouldn't build walls to keep people out. Well, I'm building a wall around myself. A tight, secure wall of protection. Like I said, it's not like anyone's trying to get inside. No one wants what's inside my fortress. And I don't want what's outside. I don't want to make friends. I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want a fiance or a husband. I don't want anyone and nobody wants me. It's mutual.

I am angry. I'm frustrated. I am sad. But no one knows. I am trying to fucking hard to accept this. I'm trying to embrace it. I'm really trying. I'm trying to ignore everything negative. I'm trying to be positive. My smiles have been real lately. But during the last 20 minutes I'm awake before I fall asleep, I think about this shit. I think about how everyone's fucking gone. I think about how I'm too fucking poor to go to the college I was accepted to. I think about how fucking nice I am and I still get treated like shit.

I think about how I'll never be good enough. I think about how badly I would love to just spend one more day as a 6 year old, playing tag outside until the street lights came on. I think about I will never be happy as some of the happiest people I know. I think about how everyone is moving on without me. I think about how hard I try to catch up. I think about how my cousin acts like she's better than me. I think about how I hate telling people I go to a community college and how they say "Oh... Well, that's a great way to save money!" I know they're trying to be polite. It kills me inside.

I was so fucking excited to go to Curry. It's not the greatest school but it was a 4 years school. It had my major. I was foolishly full of excitement. And my parents said "Well, of course you can't go full time." Hell, I can't even go to community full time.

This past week, I have been all smiles. Real fucking smiles. Trying to hold it all in. This ^ is what happens when you hold things in. I can barely see the screen. I would love to pick up my phone and call someone. And then it comes back to me: they don't care. It's the truth and it hurts. I want so badly to spill my heart out to someone. Not this. I want to talk to a good friend and say "Hey, I'm feeling real shitty. Can I talk to you?" But I can't. Because the little voice in my head says, "You're alone, kiddo. Sorry."

And even if I gave this link to a friend, they wouldn't read it. They wouldn't take the time to read this. They have a life. They have school full-time. They have friends. They're busy. Get over it, stupid girl. Stop crying.

When Can I Uncover My Eyes?

It's almost noon. Declan is over for a visit and he is the cutest baby ever. He wont take off his scally cap :) And he loves his crocs. I'm sitting here eating a granola bar and drinking a diet shake. I have class at 2:40 which isn't bad. Though I still need to do my English homework. Some things never change.

This has been a busy week for sure. Every weekend until 10/22 is going to be full with a bridal shower, dress fitting, a bbq party, and a lot of other things. I'm excited for October. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving especially.

I've been doing okay in general. From time to time. I still catch myself subconsciously texting or calling someone to tell them about my day. Some days, it hits me like a wave. Other days, I shrug it off. I need to remind myself that I have no one. I have to tell myself that no one cares. Everyone is too busy to care. I'm not okay with it yet, but one day, I will be.

I'm going to be strong enough to not need anyone and to not want anyone.

T-teach me how to dougiee

Today's soundtrack consisted of LMFAO and Gym Class Heroes.

Today was a busy but good day. A good amount of physical labor. I also drank my weight in water.

-

I'm adjusting. When I have the urge to call or text someone because of something on my mind, I just find something to keep myself busy. I have to remind myself of my decision. I have to tell myself that I have no one. I also have to tell myself that I can do this on my own. I have to. There's no other way.

At the end of the day, no one cares. And that's okay. No one has to care about me or my problems. No one has to care when I cry myself to sleep. I used to hate that no one cared. It bothered me so much to the point where I would just shut down for a week. Now, I brush it off. I don't mind being alone in all of this. But it's going to take some time to adjust.

Sometimes, I pick up my phone and then think "Oh wait. Never mind." And then I put the phone down and go find something else to do.

Plus, I'm not good at crying on the phone. I can't remember if I wrote about this already. But when I'm crying on the phone, I can barely talk. One time, I was on the phone with my cousin and I was just beside myself. I was on my bedroom floor, lying on my back. The tears were falling back onto my ears and the phone that was against my ear. I was just wailing and crying and heaving and she just listened.

The last time I cried on the phone was when Katmai was really sick. I was talking to Meredith. I was calm but I was still crying and she knew it.

-

I am alone. I'm going to be okay. I'll get out of this alive but not unscathed. In the end, I'm going to be proud of these emotional scars. I'm going to look in the mirror years from now and say "Hey, you. Yeah, you. You did it. You're alive. You're okay." My story is going to be happy.

When I was 6 or 8 or 10 years old, did I imagine my life like this? No. I wasn't prepared for this. I was completely blindsided. But I'm taking slow, deep breaths. I am taking one hour, one day at a time. Wake up. Brush my teeth, Shower. School. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.

I'm not okay. Not yet, at least. I'm going to be, though. Yeah, I'm going to be okay. I am going to be okay. Until I am, I'm going to keep telling myself this. I'm going to do this. Not all hope is lost. I'm still holding onto my last thread of hope. That is what's going to get me through all of this.

Exhausted. Goodnight.

One Day At A Time

Today was full of laughs, smiles, hugs, and good music.

Declan came over this morning. My sister came over early to see him. He is just the most adorable baby ever. His little squeals and his little belly laugh makes anyone melt. He was hilarious today. Rebecca was over today too and was able to play with him. I laughed a lot today. I haven't laughed that much or that hard in a very long time. My smiles were real. My laugh wasn't forced. It felt so good.

And then after Declan left, around 4pm, my aunts and uncles arrived. My cousin and his fiance came too. Kevin came too. It was a full house. After a good meal, my aunt got out her Martin acoustic. My sister wanted to hear her sing and play a couple of songs that she and my other aunt would play at the ceremony. OH MY GOD. It sounded amazing. Their voices are so beautiful. I couldn't get over it. The music sent shivers up my spine.

I hadn't heard an acoustic guitar in ages. Tim keeps his guitar at Rebecca's house. And actually, it needs to be replaced. It's beyond repair.

Anyways, I forgot how warm and good I feel inside when I hear an acoustic guitar. My "cousins" also play guitar VERY well. Will plays it like a pro. I have never in my life met anyone who can play guitar as good as him. Besides Tim. Tim is the best guitar player I know. He can even play it behind his back.

Hopefully when I get a job, I would really like to buy him a guitar. Maybe me and Meredith can go in on a Martin guitar for him. Those are top of the line expensive guitars. Famous musicians have Martins.

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Things are looking up. I need a job. And a license. And a degree. Then I am so out of here. No looking back.

A Million Miles Away

I have a whole new group of songs that I added to my iTunes library. Some I love to dance to and some make me want to bawl my eyes out.

To name a few: "Send Me On My Way" by Rusted Root, "Super Bass" by Nicki Minaj, "Ashamed" by Jamestown Story, "Pretend" by LIGHTS. Those are my top faves at the moment.

My mood is temporarily good. I started the Slim Fast diet today. I hope it goes well.

I have/had a best friend. She and I used to be two peas in a pod. And now, everything's just gone. She's building a wall, one brick at a time, and it gets taller every day. She used to care. We made jokes and told stories.

Things are different now. Normally, I would care, like a good friend. But I am so damaged and I need to take of myself before I take care of her. I'm sorry, L. I'm sorry you can't open up to me. You know me. You know I never judge. You know I listen. Please stop being mean to me. Please stop belittling me. Please stop acting like you're better than me. Please stop acting like everything is a fucking competition between us. Stop trying to put on the tough act. I see right through it. I don't like this side of you.

I'm here trying to pick myself up off the ground and you're just pushing me down again. I'm trying to emotionally rehabilitate myself, alone, with no one to help me. So, I really don't deserve a hard time. I have no strength for it. I barely have any mental strength anymore. And what strength I have left is being used to get out of this shit hole by myself.

I have hope. No one is here for me. I have no one to go to. No shoulder to cry on. But I'm going to be okay. You know how I know this? Because it can't get any worse. Everyone's gone. I'm here and I'm still alive. I'm going to get through this. Alone if I have to.

I remember when I was maybe 14-16 years old. I was causing trouble around the house. Crying and slamming doors. I remember my sister and my teachers saying that it's going to tougher than this. Between 18 and 22 is when you struggle with identity and belonging in this world. And I thought No, you're wrong. This sucks. High school sucks. But boy, I was wrong.

This is so hard. Bills, responsibilities, independence- it all sucks. It's hard. I miss the simplicity. I miss memorizing my friends' school schedules and sneaking into the wrong lunch period just to sit with my friends. I miss scrambling last minute to finish my homework during my free periods.

Sometimes, I still catch myself thinking I'm having a sucky day. I'll call so-and-so. And then I remind myself that I have no one. It just clicks. During these occurrences, I sometimes cry. And sometimes I don't. It all depends on how badly I need to talk to someone and just vent. Actually, I cry when I have no one to call when something funny happens. So, then, I get all quiet, and I go somewhere alone to cry.

I'm slowly accepting this. I'm slowly becoming okay with it. Some day, when I move, it will be easy for me because I will have no one to say good-bye to. I'll have no one to miss.

I'm not sad about this. I'm still in a good mood.

I'm learning to love myself again. I'm learning to love the fact that I only have a dimple on one cheek. I'm learning to love when I laugh so hard that no sound comes out. I'm learning to love how I can't dance and when I try, I look retarded. I'm learning to love how I can't sleep when I have cold feet.

I'm going to quit smoking soon. After Christmas. It will be my New Year's resolution.

I'm going to start drawing portraits again. It's a good stress reliever.

I'm going to start walking the dog again. He's my favorite and Autumn is my favorite season.

I'm going to resume my writing. Just got an email from my British friend with more info.

My life is going to change one day at a time. I'm am alone. But I'll be alright. Life is going to be good. I can feel it.

Every homework assignment, every test, every quiz, every paper- they're all little steps towards my ticket out of this city, out of this state, and maybe this country. Who knows. Only time will tell.

Tomorrow is insanely busy. Declan's coming over. Wedding talk. Aunts and Uncles coming over. Maybe tomorrow's smile will be real :)

I'm in hell; here's a look but don't stare.

Everything is a fucking blur. I don't know any other way to describe it. I feel like I'm just running in place, out of breath and getting nowhere.

I'm frustrated and disappointed with myself. I'm better than this. This is a horrible, horrible, ugly side of myself.

I used to be so happy. I loved life and I loved looking forward to each and every day. Where did that girl go? She's lost. Somebody help me find her. She's been gone for years. Let's put up some MISSING posters. Maybe you've seen her. She wore lots of color. She laughed uncontrollably at times. She was kind and generous. She took everything in stride. She just went with the flow. She laughed at everything and anything that anyone said. And that laugh, that laugh was contagious. She wasn't the prettiest girl, but boy, she was pretty confident. She liked to get gussied up for a night out. She loved make-up and pretty hair-do's. She loved the company of others. She was there, you know? She didn't just exist; she lived.

So, if you find her, lemme know. I miss her.

I think it was last Tuesday night... I was on the porch. I had my iPod on. And I was just crying. I cried so hard. The worst part was that the tears just flowed nonstop. I didn't heave or make any crying noises. I just sat there and cried silently.

It was a cold, cloudy night. Being in New Hampshire, it was pitch black. So, there I was, staring into the blackness, crying. I cried for two hours straight. It was kind of relieving at the time, because I didn't know what was coming next.

I had my the hood of my sweatshirt pulled over my head. And it was a big hood, in case my mother came outside.

I just sat there and thought about everything wrong. I thought about the people I disappointed and let down. I thought about the people I'll never be good enough for. I thought about the people who had already forgotten me. I thought about the people who have left me. I thought about the people who are going to leave me in the future. I thought about my birth mom, who I may never get a chance to meet. I thought about my writing, and how no one cares about it. I thought about the possibility of giving up writing. I thought about escaping this place.

All of these thoughts brought rapids of salty rivers down my face. Despite me being alone that night, it felt good to let all out, into the darkness.

Since that night, I've felt numb. And you know what? This feels worse than any pain I've ever felt. I want to feel something, even if it hurts. A few nights ago though, I just lost it. I just started bawling my eyes out. Crying over the phone kills me. I've done it once with Lizzy in 2009. I was crying so hard that I was choking on my words. So, now I know that crying over the phone isn't good for me. The night ended with me crying myself to sleep.

I wish I could've written a letter from the future to my 14 year old self. I'd tell her to do her fucking homework. I'd tell her to stop crying and that he'll come home alive and in one piece. I'd tell her to study for her tests. I'd tell her not to worry because life is going to get much worse.

My feelings for Woody are not serious or deep. It's just a silly crush. It's a phase. His voice does not give me butterflies nor do I keep checking my phone for texts from him. He's a great friend though. He's funny and has a good personality. So, I'm glad I have him in my life.

I want to meet someone who has all of the answers to life. Not God or some psychic. I don't know. But I want to ask "Why me?" Why do I feel so trapped? What did I do to deserve this? I had an awesome life before all of this. i had a ton of friends. I went out almost every weekend. I went shopping on fucking Newbury Street. I got lost in Boston with my friends and LOVED it. I almost got hit by a car in Southie on Halloween and laugh my ASS off afterwards. I used to get manicures with my friends at the mall. What the fuck happened? What the fuck did I do that got all of THIS taken away? I had a life. I had friends. I had fun. I was careless and loving it. So, I would like to know where this life went. I would like to know where this girl is. If you find this girl and this life anywhere, please return them to me.

I miss them dearly.