For Woody, For KC, and for MK

I started another blog. I won't write on this anymore. This part of my life is over. A new year, a new blog.

This year sure has been interesting. A lot of laughter, tears, adventures, car rides, guys, energy drinks, alcohol, lost sleep, etc etc. I won't forget any of it. Everything this year has happened for a reason. I know it. I hate to admit it though.

My favorite memory of 2011? Meeting Woody. It was like seeing him for the millionth time. It was better than my sister's wedding and starting school.

My least favorite memory of 2011? All of July and August. Those two months were pure hell.

But seeing Woody literally completed my year. It was the best thing ever. He's my secret keeper. He knows me better than I know myself most of the time.

He also practices "tough love" with me. Which I'm not always a fan of. He tries to tell me something. I ignore him. I learn my lesson the hard way. And instead of comforting me, he goes "Told you so. Now you know better. Listen to me next time, will ya?" And I say yes and the cycle repeats.

He hates when I repeat the same mistake twice because the second time around, it's not considered a mistake. It's just my stupidity I guess. So, I can't really blame him or KC for being frustrated with me sometimes.

At one point this morning I said "Oh, don't go all 'big brother/dad' on me." And he just laughed. "Big brother/dad, huh?" "Haha yeah."

We stood where the water kissed the shoreline. When we had our little "heart to heart", we didn't even have to look at each other. We just stared out into the water and talked. Every once in a while, if I had to say something really important, we'd turn to face each other.

Oh my God, I just love him. Love him in a very brother/sister kind of way. Not in the romantic kind of way.
---
In August, I thought no one cared. I just hated everything and everyone.

I've learned anything in the past 2 months, it's that people care about me. KC and Woody care. My sister cares. In fact, they're protective. Because they know how I am and how I can get. They get frustrated with me sometimes, but that doesn't make them love me any less.

They accept my flaws and all. That's why I love them. They accept my playful nature, my loud laughter, my sarcasm, my crazy ideas, my random thoughts, my obnoxious text messages, everything.

They love me and I love them twice as much. If I could hug them all right now at once, I would.

Woody, KC, MK: I love you. And you are all amazing. And I wouldn't be here lying in my "Happy Fort" writing this. This was a whirlwind of a year for damn sure.

XOXOXOX,

Molly Sarah

"Don't Strut! Just Focus On School!"

So, I went to the mall to get LM's Christmas present at American Eagle. I ended up also buying myself a pair of jeans. And at Wet Seal, I bought an adorable sweater. And at Marshall's I got a cute sweater dress that would go perfect with leggings or jeans.

I'm heading back to the mall tonight with KC to return the jeans because I accidentally got the wrong fit, Hipster Flare instead of the Artist jeans. So, back to the mall! And AE was so packed today. I hope it dies down a bit by the time I get back there.

Me: Mom, am I vain?
Mom: Yup. 


I also want to try on clothes since I'm not in a rush this time. I love clothes way too much :)

"Stop Walking Like That. You Look Like a Hooker."

I was very much looking forward to today. But at the restaurant, I almost lost it in front of everyone. I could feel my eyes fill up with tears but I did my best to blink them back. So after that, I just kept quiet.

After pulling myself together, I went into this indescribable snob mode and talked about myself for a good 15 minutes.

After lunch, I almost threw a tantrum in the middle of the mall like a 5 year old. I wanted to scream.

Then at home, I got into yet another argument with my dad and brother. I just can't catch a break. i went up to my room and completely lost it. I just started crying and I ended up with a monstrous headache. Thank God for waterproof mascara, right?

So, instead of being at the gym as I had planned, I'm home, in the worst mood and all I want to do is sleep.

On New Year's, I'm hiding my cell phone because I know I would end up drunk texting someone and I'd regret it in the morning.

After New Year's, I have about 3 weeks left of my break. So, I'm hanging out with Woody, Stephen, KC, DV, and FJ. All separately of course. I think I'd die if they all met each other.
---
After the shittiest day this week, something is finally cheering me up. I'm finally learning how to play my all time favorite song in the entire universe. And it's fairly easy. Once I learn the notes, I can pick up the correct tempo and my week will officially be made :)

I also cannot WAIT to go back to school. Looks like i'll have to compromise my Burberry bag for a North Face jacket. Since I really want the North Face more than the bag even though I actually need the bag for school. I really need to sort out my priorities. Haha

Today before I went out, I did a test run to see how long it would take me to get ready for school if I actually "pulled myself together" and it took me TWO HOURS. As I was blow drying and straightening my hair, I thought "Is this really worth it???" HELL YES IT IS. Straightened hair, lip balm, foundation, eyeliner, curled eyelashes, and waterproof mascara = BAM.

Okay, I'm done sounding like a stuck-up princess. Back to learning my favorite song :)

I Love Noteflight

I'm so excited for today! My nephew's over and he only knows about 5 words: Dada, Mama, Nana, and OH SHIT. hahahaha.

Normally, when I go out, it doesn't take me long to get ready. But today's a good day and I'm going to pull myself together today.

Which means, it will take me a whole 2 hours to get ready. Blow dry my hair, straighten it, make-up. All that jazz. Put on my best clothes. Update my ipod. And I'll be invincible today :)

Adios.

"Hello Seattle" by Owl City

1:02am. I'm unbelievably excited for later today. Do I stay away and learn how to play "Hello Seattle" and "Three Cheers for Five Yeara" or do I sleep? I think I'll stay up. That's what I've been doing lately. I stay awake until I can't keep my eyes open.

I'm still in that phase where I can't fall asleep with too many thoughts in my head. I have to be exhausted or else I'll just let things get to me. And there's no sadness allowed in my fort. None at all. It's a fucking happy fort.

I've learned a few things over the past week. One of them is that I'm fucking weird as hell.

So, to sum me up, I love to laugh. I have a huge imagination. I dream a lot. I love adventures. I'm playful. I love to cheer people up. I'm always looking for new music to listen to. I'm too excited for my 21st birthday.

So, about tomorrow. Food and shopping! And more shopping! And riding in a car! I love car rides. I don't know why. Whatever :)

Well, I'm going to learn how to play "Hello Seattle" first. I've loved that song since forever :)

I Need To Get Rid of These Pictures

Writing Keeps Me Sane

I'm determined to make this a good day because last night a small taste of hell and I don't know why.

I slept in my fort last night. It wasn't so bad until I woke up to a sore back and stiff legs. -_-

2012, bring it on. I'm determined to make it the best year of my life. I'm going to do everything right. I'm going to break free of the walls I've built around myself.

I'm going to learn so much from my friends and family. I'm going to be open. More calm. Less judgmental. More confrontational without turning into a bitch. I'm not going to be a pushover anymore.

I'm going to have fun. I'm going to perfectly balance a social life, school, and music. 2012 is going to be perfect. I know January is going to be amazing. I know that I'm going to start Spring semester with a BANG.

I'm going to look unapproachable because I honestly don't want to be approached. Don't talk to me or nod at me or whistle. I'm going to go to school and maybe talk to classmates, but that's about it.
---
I know I say this every once in a while but I can't believe I haven't smoked already because all of the stress I've been going through lately.
---
I'm spending as much time outside as possible before it starts to rain today. Maybe test run the new songs I'm trying to learn. And hopefully WRITE!

I Don't Know What I'm Doing Here But I Know This Isn't Home

I'm sleeping in my fort tonight. I feel like I'm 5 and I sadly find it hilarious. Oh well.

I've been trying to learn new songs to play. I really want to play some of my favorite songs but it's so hard to find sheet music, tabs, or tutorials for them. I would die if I learned how to play "Three Cheers for Five Years" or "Miserable At Best". I'm currently obsessed with Mayday Parade and E for Explosion.

I'm also in love with my fort, my keyboard, my American Vintage hoodie, Tumblr, my pink bunny slippers, and my future Burberry bag which will be mine in a few weeks :)

This is my last week of Netflix and a free trial of OnlinePianist Premium. So, I'd like to be a lazy bum for the next few days and watch Netflix and learn as many songs as possible :)

Things have been a lot simpler for me these days. I can't describe it. It's like everything is sinking in and I'm finally okay with everything happening in my life. Life is not great but it's good. I've got good friends, a strong family, and good music. That's all I need right now.

The Things I Love:

Piano
Guitar
Writing
Music
Family
Friends
Tumblr
My badass fort
School
Fashion :)

"Three Cheers for Five Years" by Mayday Parade

I woke up today at 3pm. I suck. I was so mad that I missed an entire day. No matter how late I go to sleep tonight, I'm waking up at 9am tomorrow. Promise.
---
I'm getting a Northface on Wednesday!!! I'm so happy! I'll finally have a jacket to match my favorite hat :)
---
I'm currently texting my mom from my fort. I'm begging her to let me invite my favorite family members over for my 21st in March. My mom's side of the family is my absolute favorite but there's a TON of people. So, I hope she says yes :) I would just have my favorite family and a few close friends over. And then that night, I would go out drinking with my friends. Can't wait!
---
Wednesday's so busy. I kind of wish my "busyness" was spread throughout the week instead of one day. But at least I'll get my gym membership, lunch with my cousin, and a North Face jacket :)
---
I'm current'y obsessed my BAMF fort. It's where I have my laptop, iHome, and keyboard. So, I do everything in here from writing to online shopping to school work. Love this :)

"Christmas In Hollywood" by Hollywood Undead

Another Christmas has passed. I feel like it never happened. I am grateful for my family but it wasn't the same. It was like it wasn't real. I felt so bad. And on top of everything, at KC's house, she was showing off all of her presents. It was juvenile jealousy, I know. But I still felt like shit. Sorry.

She kept asking me what I got for Christmas and I changed the subject. Hopefully, next Christmas will be better. Overall, dinner with KH's parents was nice. It was a decent day. I could've gone without the presents because what I got was embarrassing.
---
Before next semester starts, I'm buying new clothes and maybe a Burberry or Louis Vuitton bag. A big bag to hold my school books because well... a backpack automatically ruins an outfit :) I sound like such a girl. I also want a new phone cover.

I just want to start off my semester on a good note. Cute clothes and a designer bag. I also plan on buying myself a Northface to go with my FAVORITE hat. I have a favorite hat that I usually wear in the winter. I can't wait to wear it to school :)
---
Now that Christmas is over, I finally have free time. So, there's a good chance I'll be hanging out with Woody at some point. And I'll probably chill with Stephen too.
---
I'm getting my gym membership on Wednesday. My brother is training me every day at 5am and KC wants me to go with her during the evening every day. I just might die but at least I'll look good :)

I plan on buying my new clothes a week before classes because i don't want to order them now and have them be too big by the time school starts back up again.
---
Me and mum are meeting my aunt and cousin for lunch and the restaurant is connected to the mall. Hopefully I can resist the urge to shop :)
---
It's 6:36am. I still haven't slept yet. Later today, if the weather is good, i hope to spend it outside.

IT'S CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!

I have 7 days to accept everything that has happened to me this year. 7 days to accept the people who have come in and out of my life. I have to accept what has changed in my life. I have to accept the hell I've been put through.

Accept the pain and the pleasure of being human. The truth and the lies and the pure, raw honesty in everyone. The flaws and imperfections of the people we admire. The addictions and shared pain among friends.

Secrets, quietly resting in our hearts. Ready or not ready to be revealed.

To be completely honest, I'm afraid. I want a confrontation. But I'm not good at it. I yell and cry and I lose control and I just lose myself in the moment.

But I am afraid. I'm afraid because things are happening. School is happening. Life is happening. A social life is happening. What is it called? It's called growing up. Wow.

I feel like 2011 was the year of pain and 2012 will be the year of reward. Rewards for being strong and surviving 2011.

I'm ready and strong enough to move on with new people and changes. I'm afraid of change but I'm ready nonetheless. I'm ready for new people and a new scene.

I'm Obsessed With E for Explosion

Today is better because last night ended so well. I went out with KC around 10. We talked at the beach for two hours. Then, my friend Stephen was all cute and said sweet dreams. I don't like him like that but it was still adorable.

And then after that, I texted my mom about it because she met Stephen before. I'm the most random and awkward person ever.

Me: Hey, mom. Remember Stephen?
Mom: Yes...
Me: Do you think he's nice? I think he's nice. He's a nice guy.
Mom: What r u talkin about? r u drinking? i'll come after u!!

So, last night, I was accused to drunk texting. So I asked KC if we could stop by my house for 2 minutes to prove my sobriety to my mother. Fucking hilarious.

Mom: What do you two do at the beach anyways?
KC: [silence]
Me: Bitch about guys. Listen to music. Walk.
Mom: You walk? At night? The two of you?
Me: YES. Because there's street lights and cars and people....
Mom: ...Oh. Okay. Well have fun.

My mom's so weird sometimes.
---
So, I'm sitting in the fort I built. I have my laptop, iHome, and keyboard set up in here. I also have white Christmas lights for lighting. It's so cute. This just made my day.

Secrets That Eat You Alive.

I can't calm down tonight. I don't know why. No amount of cigarettes, writing, music, or energy is going to calm me the fuck down.

I haven't done it in over a week. I'm not going to give in already. I can beat this. I know I can. I just need to focus. No matter what I feel, I always need to stay focused or else I will fail terribly at this and it's back to square one for me.

I don't think I could ever tell another soul. KC was enough. I told her because she cared just enough, not too much and not too little. Just enough.

I Think I'm Floating.

I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream.

I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream.

I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream.

I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream. I am going to scream.

Such A Beautiful Wreck; A Little Too Broken

It's 9 in the motherfucking morning. Shitty mood. It's raining. Nothing to do and nowhere to go until tonight.

I would stay in bed, but I know that would make everything worse and I would probably end up crying.

I want to keep myself busy today but I have no energy. I'm lying here listening to sad songs and my thoughts are eating me alive.

God fucking dammnit. I want to sleep alllll day today. I should not feel this way, 2 days before Christmas.

I guess I did this to myself. I have no self-control, no self-respect, no will power, nothing. I'll never learn. Ever.

To be totally honest, I feel like screaming. Really loud. Like an earth shattering scream.

Part of me is beginning to hate myself again. And part of me is still holding on to loving myself.

Part of me feels stupid, worthless, and a waste of time and space. It's done being nice.

And the other part of me knows that it just has to get better. There's still hope. The world still needs to be seen.

I want so badly for all of this to be gone by next semester. I want to be less broken. I know this will sound cocky as hell, but if I keep dressing like I didn't just roll out of bed for school, I'm pretty sure I'm going to get asked out next semester.

Sure, my looks will get you. My brokenness and my flaws and my past sure as fucking hell won't keep you. I could just be fake, get the boyfriend, and use him for free stuff. Kidding. I'm not that mean.

I almost want to be an absolute bitch to everyone next semester to just keep everyone away. Because I feel like I just need time to myself. But I don't want time to myself. I hate being by myself. I hate not being busy because that's when my thoughts get to me.

I feel like I have no more fight left in me.

This isn't really me. I know who I am and this isn't it.

The real me is a huge jokester. My mind is always in the gutter. I'm a flirt. I laugh at almost everything. I'm sarcastic. I'm mentally strong. I'm playful. I'm annoying as fuck and I love every minute of it. I think everything's hilarious. I'm not bothered by the little things. I love annoying the hell out of Woody and KC.

I've been in this phase for too long, since July. Too fucking long.

I can't wait for next semester. I'll be so goddamn busy with school that I won't have time to think, or feel, or hurt.

No Poetic Title.

This Year....

I learned how to forgive. I learned how to let go. I learned how to read music. I learned how to play the piano. I learned how to forget. I'm still learning how to drive. I learned that my pain does not own me. I learned to fuck fear. I learned to leave the past in the past. I learned to be cautious. I learned how to live. I learned how to act my age. I learned how to be honest. I learned that not everyone can be trusted. I learned that time is key.

I learned that everyone matters. I learned to not hold people's past against them. I learned not to judge people. I learned that there's always more to a pretty face.

In a way, I learned too much. I've been through too much in one fucking year. I didn't deserve it but I got what I got. The tears, the questions, the screaming, the secrets, everything.

I'm only 20. I feel like I'm 40. When I was in high school, I was really mature. I acted so much older. I got along better with adults.

Now, I'm finally acting my age. Doing stupid shit. Laughing my ass off. Sure, I still have my issues, like every other person in the world. But I'm young. This is my prime. I'm taking advantage of it.

Deuces.

Sweet You Rock and Sweet You Roll

Ah! I'm writing again!!!! It feels like my heart and soul are in flight. I've missed this feeling for so long. Oh my goodnessss. This feels amazing.

To escape to another world for a little bit every day is a little slice of heaven :) To escape into someone else's life for a little while and to live her life is an indescribable experience. It's what I love about writing. It's like I get to play God and decide's everyone's fate. Such a creepy and awesome feeling.

It's like. Hey, Aria Bowen, you're going to fall deeply in love with Oliver McCallister. And then when everything is falling into place, you're rehabilitated sister decides to move in with you and fall in love with Oliver's brother, Benjamin. And everyone will live happily ever after :)

I'm so giddy. This feeling is so powerful and it's taking over me like a full-force tropical storm in my soul.
---
I'm not fully okay yet. I'm getting there, I think. I mean, I'm in a much better place that I was in August. At least I'm not borderline suicidal anymore. That's a plus, right? Right.

But the way I've been coping with pain lately is not acceptable. I've stopped. I think. I hope.

In place of that, I've started playing piano. It's a good way to channel my pain and emotions in a healthy and non-harmful way.

Two Clouds

I'm determined to be productive today. Clean the rabbit cages, master "Written In the Stars", and WRITE!

I'm going to work on Two Clouds during break. About the girl who falls in love in England and is submersed in the simple world of the McCallister family. And the music I listen to it perfect for the story. So excited.

I also want to take Sam for a long walk. It's so nice out. Windy but nice.

I'm determined to have a good day. I guess I could take a break from music. I have so much to write and so much to clean. Oh, and this fucking goldfish is dying. Goddamn.

It's 10:30 am. If I don't get up now, I never will.

Hello, Winter Break!

Not everything is okay, but I do a damn good job at hiding it. I'm also coping and keeping myself busy with writing and learning new songs.

I haven't been in the best mood lately. I'm just tired, like mentally exhausted. I'm too young to feel this way. I try putting on my best act because 1. it's the holidays and 2. I dont feel like telling anyone what's wrong over and over again like a broken CD.

I've already mastered "Lighters" by Eminem and Bruno Mars and "Written In the Stars" by Tinie Tempah.

I'm supposed to hang out with KC before Christmas, so I guess that would be tomorrow or Friday night.

So far on this winter break, I've been sleeping and learning songs. I'm beginning to breathe music and writing at the same time. It's an awesome feeling. I haven't written in a while.

I've also been sleeping a lot. I guess I'm finally catching up on lost sleep from October haha. Before I "let loose" for break, I do want to do some serious sleeping :)

I cannot wait to get back to writing. I want to write as much as possible during break since I won't have any free time come January 19th.

I also plan on taking 3 courses during the summer. So, I won't have much free time then either. Hopefully, these summer courses will help me catch up on lost time.
---
I've come to a weird realization. Guys don't like my personality. Just my boobs and ass, and maybe my face. So, what if I did a mini experiment and dressed like I did this Tuesday?  I wonder how many goddamn motherfucking nods and whistles I would get. All semester, I wore jeans and a hoodie, because it's just school and I usually leave after class right away. No one ever gave me a second glance. All of a sudden, when I decide to dress like a girl [LOL], I get reactions.

In all honesty, I didn't think my top was that revealing and my jeans were that tight, but apparently, they were.

That is so sad. My face is up here, assholes. Why isn't my IQ more intriguing than my cup size?

Once I start my core classes, and take my Final Cut Pro course, I'm going to do a documentary on this. I'll do an actual experiment with an independent variable, dependent variable, and a control group.

Yes, it is technically a compliment and yes it was a bit of a confidence booster, but it is still repulsive. Do not whistle at me. Take your eyes off my tits, and keep on walking.

And unless you have some sort of musical artsy-type talent, there's no chance. Call me shallow, whatever. I cannot "click" with someone who does not understand the art of writing or music. Sorry.
---
I'm not in the mood for whistles. Maybe I'll stick with scrubbin' it next semester. Next fall is when I'll be able to do my core classes. And that's when I'll do my experiment.

Lots of Chusetts

Winter break has officially begun!

Hopefully, I can learn to play more songs. I've been copying down music allll night so far. Hopefully, I'll spend most of my days at the gym, with or without KC.

This means I can also hang out with friends any day of the week and sleep the next day until the afternoon :)

Winter break = fun, writing, music, and gym!!! So stoked!
--


So, today, I wore what I thought was a decent outfit. Low cut tank top, thin/flowy sweater, fitted jeans, and fur boots. I figured it was my last day at QC so I would dress nice.

Little did I know I'd get "the nod". You know the nod. The nod you get when a guy is either checking out your ass or your tits, or both. Well, I got the "tit nod". I honestly looked around to see if they were nodding at someone else. But they weren't. So, I was a bit turned off at that point. I had a great day until I got "the nod".

And on my way to the train station, I see more guys. I hadn't had the chance to put my jacket on, so I just carried it. As I passed them, I heard a whistle. I kept walking and then I heard "Dayumm girl! You like that?" So, I walked faster. Like really? Grow the fuck up. I realize that it is somewhat of a compliment and to let it go, but still. It bothered me.

There's still a level of insecurity that I have and I'm not used to the nods or whistles. I was nodded at occasionally in high school. So, it's been years since I've had that kind of reaction to my body image.

Sure, I like compliments, but only from the right people. I guess my outfit today attracted the wrong type. Maybe next semester, I'll wear the same jeans but sweaters and shirts with more coverage. Who knows.

I'm just glad I didn't wear my leggings and mini-skirt.

I told my sister what I'm wearing a hoodie and sweatpants allll next semester.
---
Tomorrow is Bru's graduation. I haven't seen her in ages. I miss her tons.
---
Well, after copying music onto paper, I'm going to head upstairs to practice and maybe fall asleep to some Netflix :)

AG#F#EDC#

I am currently obsessed with my keyboard. I have it on the Grand Piano setting. I love it to death. It's so easy. Tonight, I learned how to play "A Thousand Miles" by Vanessa Carlton. Now, I'm learning "Stereo Hearts" by Gym Class Heroes and "Fuckin' Perfect" by Pink. I'm also learning to play by ear. If it's a song I know, then I can point out wrong notes and tweak it to make it sound better. I LOVE playing the piano!!! :)

I'm still playing the guitar too. It's more difficult to play since my fingers are painfully short to reach the frets. 

I seriously want my own piano. I would play it every single day. See, I knew this would be bad timing because i'm going to be so busy next semester that I won't have time to play. At least I can use my winter break to just have my own little jam seshes in my room. Haha. 

Tomorrow is my English exam. I still have to write a late paper tonight and pass it in tomorrow. 

KC, FJ, and DV are supposed to spend New Year's at my house drinking and getting high. But I honestly don't want to anymore. I kinda just wanna spend it alone and have a quiet night at home. 

Well, I need to write this paper and study for a bit. After tomorrow's exam, I'm officially on break until January 18th :) 

2011, I Won't Miss You.

I've learned so much lately from so many people. It's unbelievable to know that I've gotten this far despite everything that has happened in the past year.

Unfortunately, I know true pain. I've become accustomed to the taste of tears. I know disappointment and sadness. I know happiness, joy, and excitement. I know anxiety and fear and courage. 

I know so much now. I learned so much. I've learned some of the hardest lessons this year. It's unfair, really. But then again, I've gained as much as I've lost. 

I've gained confidence, strength, and security. I've also gained distrust. I cannot trust anymore. I'm wary of strangers. I'm hesitant to let people become my friends. I won't let anyone in anymore. It's a defense mechanism. Can you really blame me? 

For the past two years, I've been so cautious and careful. And recently, I've become so reckless and so carefree. But I'm young, and that's a good enough excuse for me. 

This year has given me a taste of both heaven and hell. All I know now is that I'm ready. I'm ready for the world. I'm ready to submerse myself in solely school. I'm ready to get my degree and move on to get my Bachelor's Degree. And after that? I'm going to England. 

Fuck another state. I need another country. My closest friends know what I've been through in the past 6 years. And they've all said the same thing to me. "You need a break." 

And I do. I really do need a break. I just need to breathe and take everything in. I need to reevaluate my life. Regroup my thoughts, dreams, and desires. When I'm ready, I'll return to Boston. I'll just know when I'm ready. I'll feel completely at peace and then I'll know to go home. 

After everything that has happened this year, I know what to do. School, work, and job. That's all. 

If DM has taught me anything, it is that I cannot drag people from my past into my future. Education is the key to everything. A job will be my escape. Don't sweat the small stuff. And fuck fear. 

If KC has taught me anything, it is that I have to stand up for myself. I cannot be afraid of confrontation. I cannot run away from my problems. Ask questions until I get clear answers. 

If I have learned anything in the past month, it is to just breathe. To live, laugh, and let go. 

Hopefully, 2012 will be kind to me. No matter how much I lose or gain, I'll always have faith and hope. And that will be enough. 

Good, Organic Music

I don't like the piano as much as the guitar but it's easier to play. I'm learning to play "Bad Romance" and "Love Story" by Taylor Swift. I'm glad I have something to do over my too-long winter break.

I basically assume my winter break will consist of:

a) Getting high
b) learning how to drive
c) every day at the gym
d) playing piano
e) hanging out with friends

I love being young. It's so fun and free. I can't wait to start my next semester :) I'm really interested in Psych 101. And First Year Seminar which should be an easy A.

I'm not too keen on writing my late English paper which is due on Tuesday, the day of my final exam. Oh well. If I could live at school, I would. But no dorms. Boo.

A gym membership and clothes is all I really want for Christmas. Just sayin'.

Back to practicing :)

FD'DA'G

I wish winter break wasn't so long. Goddamn. But at least I can put my new gym membership to use and I can practice on my keyboard. I'm so close to finishing "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri.

I went to the beach again with KC tonight. We were freezing our asses off of course but it's whatever. Then after a few hours with her, I went home. I had a missed call from Woody.

So, I called him and he called me back. It turned out that he had other friends on the phone. So, I talked to all of them. I felt like I was in middle school but I was cool with it. And Woody was like "Oh, did you have something serious to tell me?" And I was like "Yeah but it can wait." But after a while, he said to his friends that he had to go so that he could talk to me. I thought that was thoughtful.

So, I vented to Woody for a good half hour. He's like a big brother to me and I love that I can tell him anything. Anything except for what's really going on.

Because here's the thing. I tell my secrets to people who don't matter. To the people who do matter, I'll never let them know because I care about them too much. I'll tell a stranger or a classmate or an acquaintance. I let strangers in because they can't hurt me and their judgment doesn't affect me.

This is what I asked for for Christmas:

American Eagle gift card
Oscar Schmidt guitar
gym membership


That's all I really want. With those three things, I will be the happiest person on Earth.

Well, I guess I'll get back to my song. I want to have it perfect by tomorrow :)

Now I Kinda Love School

Well, training was pure hell. I seriously wanted to strangle this woman. I felt my soul die a little on the inside, no joke. It turns out I don't have the job. THANK GOD. I'd rather have a root canal than work for her.

So, I lied and told her that I had to leave early at noon. I was out of there in less than a second. I walked down the street to Starbucks and got my favorite latte. Even that didn't make my day better.

So, my dad picked me up and drove me home. I took the extra time to finish learning a 4th song for my presentation.

I was in a terrible mood until I went to my English class. I'm not even going to get into it because I could ramble on forever. But it was an awesome last class :)

Tonight, my brother started teaching me a song on "our" guitar. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I cannot feel my finger tips. TK was so strict with me, I was kinda shocked. He had me practice forever. I was almost tears and screamed in pain at times. I hope I regain feeling in my fingers soon. It hurts to just type this.

I really want that blue guitar. I asked my mom for it for Christmas but she said no :(

On the guitar, I'm learning "3 Libras" by A Perfect Circle.

On the keyboard, I learned "Where'd You Go" by Fort Minor. And I'm in the middle of learning "Adam's Song" by Blink 182 and "Boston" by Augustana.

Multi-talented much? I don't want to sound cocky, but I think I'm a fast learner when it comes to music.

Today, I had this weird epiphany as I walked into my class today. I feel so weightless ans just better overall :)

Tomorrow is my math final. All of my homework is due tomorrow too.

Deuces.

Roll One, Smoke One

As much as I would LOVE to escape to Boston for a few hours, I have SO much work to do for school. I also have to finish this song.

Tomorrow, I start training at 8am. So, I really need to get all of my work done today so that I'm not dead tired tomorrow morning.

I took Sam for a walk again in the dark. Why have I become so reckless lately? Roxbury? Walking alone at night in a coyote-infested neighborhood?

I can't decide what song I want to play for my class tomorrow. I have to decide soon so that I have time to learn it. I'm debating between "Boston" or "Lose Yourself".

We can't decide whether we want to spend New Year's in Boston and get a hotel OR spend it in Boston, come back to my house and make hash brownies. My parents are away, so it wouldn't matter. Hmm. I can't wait for this week to be over.

I wish I could write more, but I'm already behind since I woke up late. Boo.
---
I finally found a song to learn and I mastered it in less than an hour :)

Guess Who Has A Hidden Talent!

[homework for English class :)]

I never thought I'd EVER say this, but at the moment, I'm balancing school, work, and MUSIC. Yes! Music! Who would've known that I had a hidden musical talent?!?!

I'm in the middle of learning 3 songs: "Adam's Song" by Blink-182, "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri, and "Boston" by Augustana.

I also learned how to play the guitar. It's fairly easy but the guitar I have is too big and bulky. So, I'm buying a slightly smaller one after Christmas. The frets are too far apart and the neck is too thick. I found a brand that makes smaller guitars for girls. So, I'm going to buy one of those.

Today was fine. I'm exhausted though. My fault for coming home early this morning. The only downside of today was the Jehova's Witness who I could not escape in time to catch my bus. Other than that, I've been up in my room practicing on the piano.

I have to learn one of these songs by Thursday. I can't pull an all-nighter tomorrow because of training on Thursday. So, tomorrow, I have to learn one song and write 3 papers. I would love to learn a whole song on the guitar but I don't have that kind of time, especially before Thursday. So, I guess I'll be bringing in my keyboard to school.

My eyes hurt from looking at my laptop and reading music and watching tutorials. I would love to go to sleep but that's not an option right now. I should probably get back to work. Adios.

Livin' Young And Wild And Free

I got around 3am this morning. We drove through Roxbury, got lost, and finally ended up back in Quincy somehow. Had an energy drink. Snuck back in KC's house for food like 5 year olds. Called DM. KC was being obnoxious and tried throwing rocks at me and was yelling into my phone. I don't normally make phone calls when I'm with someone else but KC was on her phone too but unfortunately, she got off before I did. After I got off the phone with DM, I just walked away from KC.

KC: STOP!

Me: Why?

KC: Because you're mad at me!

Me: No, I'm not. [kept walking]

KC: Turn around!

Me: WHAT???

KC: You know what your problem is?

Me: No, tell me!

KC: You can't confront people. You just walk away from everything!

Me: I'm sorry! I just don't know how to deal with certain things!

KC: You have to learn! You can't keep doing this to yourself! Staying up at night wondering and thinking is going to eat you alive! You can't do this! You can't run away from these problems!

Me: Well, I don't know what to do!

KC: ADDRESS THEM!

And from that point on, it just escalated. I can't even remember half of what was said. KC had so many good points and she said a lot of things that made sense. We were both yelling at each other over the sound of the cars driving by and the crashing of the waves.

After another 10 minutes of screaming, we just started walking and talking about what the hell we're going to do with our current problems. It was so cold last night. We couldn't feel our faces but we kept walking. It felt good to get all of that out though. But she's right. I run away from my problems. And when I run away, they chase after me. I can't escape them no matter how hard I try.

---

I'm heading into school early to practice for my English presentation. Should be interesting. Tonight, I'm learning "Boston" by Augustana on the piano. I don't like the piano as much as the guitar but I'm holding off on the guitar until I buy a custom-made one for myself after the holidays.

I also can't wait to start my job on Thursday. So excited for that.

Hopefully I'll be gettin some weed from Farrah as long as we don't have to go to Mission Hill at midnight to get it. I think this week is when everyone goes on winter break. Hash browniesss. Hells yess.

--

Well, gotta get ready for class. Life is so difficult sometimes.

TriggerTriggerTrigger

I have a ridiculous amount of school work due tomorrow. But I'm dying to go into Boston tonight. Maybe I'll beg KC and see if she wants to go. I just need to get out of here for a bit.

-----

I've tried many things to channel my emotions instead of what I do now. Now, I'm playing guitar. I love the sound of it. It makes me melt in such a good way.

I also have a perfectly good keyboard that's in my bedroom closet just collecting dust. Maybe, I should take that out too and start playing around with it.

To be honest, this is a terrible time to start these new things because I'm taking more classes next semester and I'll be working. But this will keep me busy and distracted from any triggers of any sort. So, I need this. I'll find a way to balance music, work, and school.

I'm asking KC to take me to the music store in Weymouth to get a few things for my guitar so that I can play all different kinds of songs.

--

I love being an artsy person. It's a Pisces thing. I just love writing, drawing, photography, and music. I love all of it. And this art thing is my last hope. My last chance to pull myself together. I'm going to combine my pain with my creativity and imagination, and see where that gets me.

-

I can't wait for Woody to be done with finals. I need to see him and talk to him. I also can't wait for Devonna, KC, and Farrah to start winter break too. I'll have money by then and we can just have fun in Boston or at the beach.

-

I'm heading out tonight to pick up some stuff for my guitar and my keyboard. Adios.

This Year, The Holidays Are Difficult.

I'm trying so goddamn motherfucking hard to not care.

Let's go to Roxbury. Let's skip rocks at the beach. Let's scream into the starry, cloudless sky at 2am. Let's do crazy fucking shit because we're young and stupid. Let's expose our hearts to the people who have the ability to hurt us the most.

You know what? I have nothing to lose. Nothing at all. I'm done being afraid of judgment and all of that shit. I'm done being afraid to speak my mind. I'm done being afraid of confrontations. I'm just done.

I'm done being real. I hate being real. Because when you're real, you're vulnerable. Real people are rarities, even treasures. But I was real. I've been real for 6 goddamn years. And where has that gotten me? Nowhere, really.

I don't want to have a "pure heart" anymore. I'm too nice. I care too fucking goddamn much. I always feel guilty. I always feel like I have to make other people happy. I feel like it's my job to listen. I hate being nice. I hatehatehate it. I'm just soooo "caring".

I know I have an addiction. At least I'm admitting it. I know I need help. But I'm not ready. I don't know any other way to cope with pain and stress. I'm sorry, Mom and Dad.

I'd rather be fake. I'd rather be superficial. This way, I am invincible. I can never get hurt. My heart and my peace of mind will be just be immortal.

"CAN I SING A FUCKING LULLABY TO THE FISHIES?!?!"

I'm kind of obsessed with my guitar right now. It's like my baby, really. TK uses it most of the time but I'm getting back into it. I just wish I had a place to hide it. haha. Oh well. I'm learning "Adam's Song" by Blink 182 right now. Love that song.

Today was a pretty good day. My whole family was together today. We decorated the house a bit for the holidays. We watched the Pats game too. Such good times.

I think I might be going out tomorrow night. I hope so. I hate sitting home at night. Lately, I haven't done much of that. I've been out almost every night, all night. That won't be for long. Next semester, I'm taking more classes and I'll be working. So, I won't be able to go out as much. So, now that my semester is almost over and my friends are home for winter break, I'm probably going to be out as much as possible before next semester starts.

You're only young once, right?

---

Playing guitar would be so much fucking easier if I had longer fingers. Goddamn.

So Careless, I Could Care Less.

I just re-read that. God, I'm a bitch. And I decided that the school work can wait for a day or two. I'm heading out with KC tonight to bitch and vent and all that wonderful shit. Maybe walk on the beach or something. Scream into the night.

-

I forgot to write about my nightmare. I dreamed that my brother discovered my secret. He told my parents. And I had an intervention. And I was sent away. And as the car drove away, I woke up. Scared shitless of course.

-

I hope to drove again tonight. I'm getting much better at it. Turning, stopping, whatever. I like driving. A lot. KC is good at teaching me. She doesn't yell or anything. It's good.

-

Well I'm heading out for a night of stupid jokes and "we almost died" stories. Maybe pick up Josmer or something. I dont fucking know. I used to always have to know what my plans were. What we were doing, who we were meeting up with, and where we were going. I was SO paranoid. And that was only like 3 weeks ago. I've changed, obviously. I don't give a fuck where I end up or what I do or who I meet.

-

I'm getting out of here. As soon as I get my Bachelors Degree, I'm getting the next flight to England. I fucking hate this place. There's nothing and no one for me here. Just a motherfucking wasteland. I don't need nor want this. KC and Woody can visit me whenever they want. I'll pay for their plane tickets. Anything.

Boston, as beautiful as you are, I am leaving. And I'm not looking back. I love you but I'm sorry. I need this.

-

Just got back. Hung out with KC for a while. We had a good, serious talk. Of course, this was after I had a NOS energy drink. We were at the beach. I howled at the full moon. I walked down to the water and told the fish to "go to sleep" and then proceeded to "sing a lullaby" to the fish. And then I started yelling and screaming nonsense. It felt good to get everything out. Then I just crashed and that's when KC and I had our "serious" talk.

And then I hung out with someone else. And yeah. But it was a good night in general. I'm so fucking tired. Tomorrow's going to be busy as hell. But I cannot wait to see my sister and brother-in-law. I haven't seen them in ages.

I have less than 100 texts left before I get overage charges. BOOOO.

Superficiality Overdose

This can be taken in a one of two ways, but I pulled a jaw muscle today. And I'm kinda sorta pissed about it. I guess I'm having yogurt for dinner tonight?

-

I unintentionally dressed like one of those annoying skater kids today. I was a walking stereotype, I swear. Tight jeans, black and pink skate shoes, and a purple/black checkered hoodie. Gross. I was only with my mom though. I'd never go out wearing this outfit. But unfortunately, I'm wearing all of my favorite clothes at once. I'm like a walking advertisement for Hot Topic.

-

KC and I changed out plans for New Year's. I think we're spending it in Boston. I'm just glad I'll be out with people.

-

TK tuned my guitar for me today so that I can play for a bit tonight. So stoked about that. Plus, he's working at a club tonight as a favor for a friend.

-

I need to go out next week to get guitar picks. TK and my cousins can finger-pick but I learned that I absolutely suck at it. So, picks for me, I guess. And we need to go to Braintree and Hanson too. Jeesh. I cannot wait to get my first paycheck and get my iPhone. So stoked for that. Hells yes.

-

Tonight, hopefully I'll get playing my guitar and working on my school work. What a fucking BLAST. Me? Sarcastic? OF COURSE NOT. NO WAY.

-

Guess what. Just guess. Go on... No? Remember how this site used to be? About my feelingssss. And my thoughts. And opinions. Remember? It's gone. No more feelings. None. It's gone.

This is just superficial "what I did today" kind of shit. No more deep feelings. None of that pussy shit anymore. Plus, no one reads this anymore. So, who the fuck cares? I sure don't.

'Tis The Muthafuckin' Season

"Behind every bitch is a girl who got tired of being broken."

So, I'm basically stoked for New Year's. I CANNOT wait! My mother thinks KC and I won't be able to pull it off but we will!!

-

I feel myself reverting back to my old ways. It's a defense mechanism. I've noticed a pattern over the years. It's a fucking cycle. A stupid, retarded, but necessary cycle. Oh well. Deal with it. Everyone has a good side and a bad side. For now, the bad side is what I'm comfortable showing. This side of me is incapable of being hurt or affected by judgment. It's fearless. It's a shield, a mask, an act. Ready for a show?

-

Finals are next week and the week after that. Fucking ridiculous. I have to do an oral presentation in English. It's the same day as my 8am training for my new job. I'm going to be so tired that I won't have any energy to be nervous about talking in front of my class. GOOD.

-

You what I hate? I hate how people take advantage of the fact that I'm a good listener. I will literally listen to someone vent and bitch about their lives and issues. For hours on end. I'm not complaining about that, REALLY. If venting helps, then I'll listen. I will because I care. Too much, sometimes. I'm complaining about how people won't let ME vent and won't listen to my problems. Helllooo? Don't expect me to listen if you won't return the favor. I'm fucking done with it. A few of my friends do it and I'm fed up. I won't be used like that. No fucking way.

-

Woody and I are cool. He was studying. Still is. And being the obnoxious friend that I am, I was bothering the shit out of him. But he promised to hang out with me soon, before Christmas. AND I might see him on New Year's!! So excited!

-

Okay, well... anyways. This month should be fun. Get finals over with. Start my new job. Chill with Woody. And plan for New Year's!! AND get my iPhone 4S!!!! Woohoo!

Endless Fruit Baskets. I Guess.

The downside of today: Woody still hasn't talked to me. He's upset with me. Okay? Cool. Awesome. This is fantastic. Apparently, I pissed him off. I have a knack for pissing people off, don't I? I swear to God, I just repel people, by accident in most cases.

The upside of today: I got a motherfucking job!!! So stoked!!!!! I cannot wait! I start training next Thursday at 8am.

And I'm getting an iPhone for Christmas. Woohoo. I can't wait to beat KC at Words With Friends. Muahaha.

Today, I was supposed to write 3 English papers. Instead, I found myself on Netflix. Fucking lovely.

One of my papers has to be a 10 Year Plan. Excuse me, but I have no fucking idea what I'm doing next week. How the hell am I supposed to figure out the next ten years???

All I know is that I'm getting out of Massachusetts. Maybe move down south, to the midwest, or the west coast. Or maybe England, like I've always dreamed of. I know I want to get married and have kids. Being the girl that I am, I have my future kids' names picked out. Of course. Why the hell not? Hahaha. I know what my ideal house will look like. But what I don't know is what I want to have as a career. I know I want a degree in Computer Science.

I've learned that the older I get, the more I fall in love with Boston. The lights, the skyline, Boston Common, history, the sports, everything. I love it and I'll miss it. But I won't miss Quincy at all. I won't miss the quiet little neighborhood full of designer brands and gossiping neighbors. Sorry, Boston, but I'll see you again some day.

And before I die, I would love to make a compilation of my stories. All of them. All little tragic and beautiful stories in one book. Perfect. I've already written 2 stories. And I'm working on 2 more at the moment.

I've channeled my emotions in 2 ways in the past month or so. Very negative ways. I'm breaking the addictions. I'm going back to writing. The only thing that makes me feel at "home".

"Two Clouds" and "Careless Souls". Two VERY opposite stories. One is heartbreaking. One is a breath of fresh air. One is about love. One is about finding peace. One is happy. One is sad.

I always work on 'Two Clouds" during the day when the sun is bright. And I work on "Careless Souls" at night when all of the problems that I've pushed away come flooding back to me.

One is for Good Mood Molly and the other is for Bad Mood Molly. Two Clouds is an adorable story, in my opinion. i'm kind of obsessed with it, actually. It takes place in the English countryside.

Careless Souls is a wreck, just like its main characters. It's so rigid and full of structural flaws. I love it almost as much as Two Clouds. It takes place in a treatment facility for mental health issues and substance abuse. The characters are fucking crazy.

Anyways, I have 3 papers and 10 late homework assignments to do. And it's midnight. Boo.

idgafasjkl

I'm such a bitch.

And I Don't Want The World To See Me

What did I do today? Where was I? How was I?

So many motherfucking questions. I did nothing. I slept until noon. Went back to bed at 5pm. Woke up at 6:30pm. I just didn't have it in me today. I made an important phone call today. But being me, I hung up in the middle of the conversation. I wasn't going to have it today. Too fucking soon. I couldn't talk. I just couldn't. I couldn't find the strength or the words. I was mute and weak today.

For the past week, I tried to be strong. I tried to smile. I acted so happy. I put on one of the best acts. Woody didn't see through it. Thank God. Everyone fell for it. They fell for the smiles, the laughter, and the sarcasm.

I am the actress and they are my audience. Let me smile and joke and play around. Let me play pretend. Pretty fucking please.

I act so strong in front of people. I act so happy energetic. I give people words of wisdom when I can't even listen to them myself.

How the fuck can I tell people to be strong, to look up, and to move forward when I can do none of those things at this moment?

I cannot tell Woody or my sister or LM these things. I cannot disappoint them. I don't want Woody to feel like a failure as a friend. I don't want LM to tell my parents what I do. I don't want my sister to feel like a failure as a friend, sister, and guardian.

I can't let these people down. I think about what I've done and it all comes back to Susan. Goddamn. Susan. My birth mother who gave up everything to give me a good life. And I've failed the most important person in my life. Fuck.

And another thing? The August Girl is back. But you'd never know. Text me, call me, whatever. You'd never know a fucking thing. Because, I'm going to put on my act. Not to intentionally lie but because at the moment, I'm avoiding it. I hate talking about my problems. I really do. And whenever my sister asks me if anything's wrong, I shut down. Just like that. And in general, I don't want anyone to worry. Despite the shit I'm going through, I love my family and my friends and I'm not going to be selfish enough to tell them what's going on.

This is my problem and my pain and I'll deal with it in my own way. Tomorrow, I'm going to lunch with my dad. I'll smile and have small talk. Then I'll go to school and joke with Stephen and Felicia about how old and senile our English teacher is.

It's called coping. At the moment, I'm not exactly doing well with it.

I think my cousin is suspicious. She can think whatever she wants. I'll never tell her. I've known her my entire life but this secret is too big and heavy and scary and it's mine.

[I'm probably going to delete this later. Because I'm a coward and I hate being myself these days, even on here. Sorry??]

Let's Shout It Loud And Clear

Today was pretty good. I went to Rhode Island with my dad and TK to drop off my sister's new dryer for her and KH's new house. I love where they live. A quiet little town in the middle of nowhere. I also watched a little bit of the Pats game too.

Then I went out with KC. We picked up Josmer. Then she taught me how to drive in an empty parking lot. That was really fun. We drove through Woody's neighborhood so I texted him and he was psyched. And then we hung out at the beach for a while, which was hilarious too.

I have nothing personal or inspirational or any of that. KC and I talk about serious things lately. It's good that we can talk like this now. At one point tonight, she just pulled the car over, parked, and we talked.

-

Tomorrow, I have nothing to do. And am basically stranded at my house. I can at least work on my paper and presentation for English. And I'll probably end up taking the dog on a walk through the neighborhood. Hopefully, I'll have a quiet day. I've been out 3 days in a row and I'm exhausted. Plus, KC and I are going out again at some point this week to return something in Braintree.

-

I'm exhausted. I can't wait for tomorrow and the days to come. I still have faith and hope. And that's why I'm looking towards the future. I can't wait to see the world. It's waiting for me, I just know it. I will not let my pain, my fears, and my past hold me back. I will not let them have any power over me. I'm stronger than all of that. I am.

A Whisper In The Dark

"We get to say that these terrible wonderful journeys are priceless and we must keep going. Not because we have to but because our stories our bigger than ourselves and because we just might be surprised." -Jamie Tworkowski

What is bravery?

Bravery is moving on towards the unknown. It's facing your deepest fears. It's heading into battle with your inner demons, knowing the possibility that you might lose. It's trying something you've never done before. It's going to a party where you don't know anyone. It's mustering up the courage to ask for something huge, like a marriage proposal. Bravery is what addicts have when they admit they need help and ultimately seek it. Bravery is what people with terminal cancer have when they live their last days to their fullest. Bravery is what a firefighter has when he runs back into a burning building. Bravery is letting people in when all you want to do is shut them out. Bravery is sitting your family down and telling them that you need professional help. It's looking your mother in the eyes and hoping she doesn't feel like a failure to her child. It's looking at your siblings and hoping they don't feel like their love isn't enough. It's calling a treatment facility and admitting yourself. Bravery is all of these things and more.

Bravery is getting out of bed in the morning, not knowing what will come your way today.

We are all brave in our own ways. Sometimes, people see our flaws and actions as weaknesses. But what they don't know is that these actions are ways of coping. It's all we've ever known, depending on our upbringing. Some people throw things. Slam doors. Punch walls. Scream into pillows. Drink. Smoke. Cut. Fight. Listen to music. Cry. Run. Go for a drive. Go to therapy. Knit. Draw. Paint. Sculpt. All of these are ways of coping. Not all of these things are good or healthy.

The way we deal with pain makes us cowards in the eyes of strangers. But to us and the people who know us, we are brave. We are more brave than the strangers who judge and stare and whisper.

Some coping mechanisms aren't helpful. They destroy and deteriorate the people we were meant to be.

Sometimes, bravery is admitting that you're weak. It's trusting someone with your words and your secrets and fears and dreams. It's trusting that a friend will be there for you no matter what. It's revealing your true self. It's so many things. Bravery is a very frightening thing to have.

To be brave is a risk.

What does it take to be brave?

Put the pills back in the cabinet. Put down the razor blade. Pour your glass of alcohol down the drain. Call a hotline. See a counselor. Tell your family. Turn the car around and go home. Listen to a friend's problems. Trust a friend with your dreams, secrets, desires, and fears. Cry and let out the pain. Take the risk of being judged.

Bravery is not just a seven letter word. Many meanings. Many examples.

To be brave, all it takes is one phone call. A visit. A meeting. A picture. A word.

To be brave, we must live the life we've been given. The pain we've been given. Our past and our pain and our unknown future. That's bravery.

There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

look at how bright Massachusetts is :)

Last night I went out. Funniest shit ever. We are retarded, really. We couldn't stop laughing. I just kept saying "I can't believe we did that completely sober." I'm laughing just thinking about it.

-

And the night before last, I was on the phone with Woody until 3am. We were laughing so hard. Just like old times. Sure, he annoys me and pisses me off sometimes, but that's how we've always been. Like any other friend, there are some things I cannot stand about him. Oh well. And we're hanging out in Boston the week after next. Can't wait.

-

Text Conversation

Me: I think I'm going to change my major.

KC: To what?

Me: Accounting.

KC: But you hate math...

Me: But I'm wicked good at it...

KC: ASIAN

Me: OMG YOU ASS.

KC: True story.

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My brother is getting back together with his ex. My parents cannot handle this kind of stress. Especially my mother. He's so goddamn selfish. I know that my family will never accept her. He's going to ruin the holidays for my entire family.

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Anyways, I might be going out again tonight. And definitely working on my paper and hopefully watching the Bruins game. Adios.