And I Don't Want The World To See Me

What did I do today? Where was I? How was I?

So many motherfucking questions. I did nothing. I slept until noon. Went back to bed at 5pm. Woke up at 6:30pm. I just didn't have it in me today. I made an important phone call today. But being me, I hung up in the middle of the conversation. I wasn't going to have it today. Too fucking soon. I couldn't talk. I just couldn't. I couldn't find the strength or the words. I was mute and weak today.

For the past week, I tried to be strong. I tried to smile. I acted so happy. I put on one of the best acts. Woody didn't see through it. Thank God. Everyone fell for it. They fell for the smiles, the laughter, and the sarcasm.

I am the actress and they are my audience. Let me smile and joke and play around. Let me play pretend. Pretty fucking please.

I act so strong in front of people. I act so happy energetic. I give people words of wisdom when I can't even listen to them myself.

How the fuck can I tell people to be strong, to look up, and to move forward when I can do none of those things at this moment?

I cannot tell Woody or my sister or LM these things. I cannot disappoint them. I don't want Woody to feel like a failure as a friend. I don't want LM to tell my parents what I do. I don't want my sister to feel like a failure as a friend, sister, and guardian.

I can't let these people down. I think about what I've done and it all comes back to Susan. Goddamn. Susan. My birth mother who gave up everything to give me a good life. And I've failed the most important person in my life. Fuck.

And another thing? The August Girl is back. But you'd never know. Text me, call me, whatever. You'd never know a fucking thing. Because, I'm going to put on my act. Not to intentionally lie but because at the moment, I'm avoiding it. I hate talking about my problems. I really do. And whenever my sister asks me if anything's wrong, I shut down. Just like that. And in general, I don't want anyone to worry. Despite the shit I'm going through, I love my family and my friends and I'm not going to be selfish enough to tell them what's going on.

This is my problem and my pain and I'll deal with it in my own way. Tomorrow, I'm going to lunch with my dad. I'll smile and have small talk. Then I'll go to school and joke with Stephen and Felicia about how old and senile our English teacher is.

It's called coping. At the moment, I'm not exactly doing well with it.

I think my cousin is suspicious. She can think whatever she wants. I'll never tell her. I've known her my entire life but this secret is too big and heavy and scary and it's mine.

[I'm probably going to delete this later. Because I'm a coward and I hate being myself these days, even on here. Sorry??]